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Missing my husband - my love

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Gwen, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. Gwen

    Gwen New Member

    I lost my husband, Lynn, on July 23, 2016. He had been diagnosed in the fall of 2014 with a lung disease, but had been seeing a specialist and was doing ok for the most part. Then during the night on Thursday, June 30, we neither one slept much because he was not feeling well. On Friday, he was still very weak, not feeling well, with low blood pressure and low o2 levels, so I called his doctor. They wanted an xray of his lungs, so I took him to the ER. Before the night was over, he had been intubated and put in ICU. But over the next few days, things somewhat improved. He got off the ventilator, and seemed to be making baby steps forward. He was diagnosed with pneumonia and being treated with various medicines, along with tons of tests. We had a roller coaster week, with baby steps forward and big steps back. Then on July 8, one week later, it all took a nose-dive. They had to re-intubate him and then ended up putting him in a drug-induced coma. We were never able to bring him back from that. Lynn's wishes were to not live on machines. He had agreed to the machines on a temporary basis. I have to say here, that his doctors and nurses were the best there is. They tried everything and took such great care of him (and us - his family). Once it was determined that he could not be weaned off of the machines, we made the decision to try one last time. They were able to bring him out of the coma, and even take him off of the first 2 sedatives. All of his vitals stayed good during that time. But then, everything fell apart again. Nothing was working and I knew what his wishes were and I could not have them put him back on the machines just to keep him alive. They stabilized him until our son could get here from out of town (our girls were already with me). Then on Saturday morning, they did as promised, that he would go peacefully, and that is what he did, with us there holding his hands and loving him as much as we could. I basically never truly got to say good bye to him because on the 8th, it was an emergency procedure and I had to leave the room and he never actually woke up again after that. I think that is one of the things that I am having the hardest time with is because I didn't know we would never get to speak to each other again following that day, so we never said goodbye. Oh, I talked to him constantly over the next 2 weeks, but he was never awake again. I miss him so much every day! But I am thankful for the last year that we had - God allowed us some special times together: just the 2 of us took a week long vacation and then we renewed our vows just last October (on our 33rd anniversary). I almost postponed doing that. I am so grateful that we didn't wait! While I live with various regrets, the Lord has blessed me with a lot of good memories as well. Some of those memories, and all of our dreams, make me cry, but with the Lord's help (and the love and care of friends and family), I know that someday I will smile more and cry less. But for now, the tears flow quite frequently and the ache is constant.
  2. john

    john Active Member

    Oh Gwen that must have been terrible I feel you pain Gwen I am soo very sorry.
  3. Kay Bob

    Kay Bob Member

  4. Kay Bob

    Kay Bob Member

    I understand completely. The pain of loss never leaves. I keep his empty chair beside me for comfort. I know he won’t ever use it ever again. But it’s comforting as he last sat there.