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Missing my boy

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by renae pugh, Aug 5, 2016.

  1. renae pugh

    renae pugh Member

    My 19 year old son was killed 3-30-16 by a DD. Miss him so much. It is devastating.
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Renae, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Our site has been designed to connect those who are grieving, and I'm hoping you find someone here to share with who will understand all that you're going through. Take care
     
    renae pugh likes this.
  3. OK2CRY

    OK2CRY Member

    I'm so sorry about your son, Renae. I lost my Jenny on 7-12-15 and its debilitating even a year later. I miss her so much. She was so vibrant and alive, funny and clever, talented and emotional. I am really struggling with her loss and other losses too. It's almost too much for one person to handle. So I was told to get group counseling. Maybe this place will help.
     
    renae pugh likes this.
  4. Beth

    Beth Member

    My 29 year old son committed suicide 4 weeks ago.
    It was a total shock.
     
    renae pugh likes this.
  5. renae pugh

    renae pugh Member

    I am so sorry Beth. I understand about the shock. We had begged Brent not to hang out with Jonathon because we were afraid he would get Brent into trouble. Never dreamed he would be responsible for his death. It is very devastating. I hope you have some support. Hugs and prayers to you.
     
  6. Beth

    Beth Member

    Renae, thank you so very much. I also am sorry to hear about your son.
    My son's girlfriend broke up with him, we did not know her. I realize he did this to himself, but I can't help but want to blame her.
    I did call her, I found her # in his phone, I did tell her I do not blame her, but I feel she was the catalyst. His last message to her, was begging her to call him.
    She never did. I know this pain will never go away, I'm just trying to figure out how to live with this. God Bless
     
  7. renae pugh

    renae pugh Member

    I didn't want to blame Jonathon but I found out Brent and Kate were telling him to slow down. Jonathon took care of his self first. Leaving Kate to nearly bleed to death in the road and Brent to die beside the road. Jonathon told multiple lies just to cover for himself. I am so thankful Kate is still with us. As matter of fact she came and seen us today. It breaks my heart to see her without Brent here also. I had a meltdown after she left but would never let her know that. She is having very hard time anyway. Please say a prayer for her. I just have to get by minute by minute.
     
  8. Beth

    Beth Member

    I can't even imagine how you must feel, and the lies he told to protect himself must have to feel like such a violation.
    In my son's case it was his own doing, which is very tough to deal with. We had no idea, and now I live with the guilt that I could have some how done something to help him. I keep thinking if he would have just called me, but for whatever reason...he didn't. It has been a month now, and the pain is intolerable. I have been doing research online, I have to believe that this pain can't possibly stay as intense as it is now. I'm just trying to figure out how not to lose my mind, and at the same time be here for my other son, and husband. I will pray for you, and your family, as well as Kate.
     
    renae pugh likes this.
  9. renae pugh

    renae pugh Member

    I am sure you have guilt. I would have. I do not know anything about suicide but I think I would feel the same way. As their mother our main job is to protect them even from their selfs. We tried to protect Brent from Jonathon but he was 19. Couldn't tie him up and make him stay home. How could you know how your son was feeling unless he told you? You couldn't. That's the problem when our children become adults. They have their own thoughts and make their own decisions. Unfortunately both of our boys payed too big of a price for theirs. Give your self some TLC. Eat, excersize , and get some rest somehow. I just get by minute by minute. Can't even think about day by day yet. Prayers to you and your family.
     
  10. OK2CRY

    OK2CRY Member

    OMG, my poor Beth. My heart hurts for you in ways I hope I can explain. I know the feelings of wanting to commit suicide since I have had those feelings for many years. I have wanted to die so many times during traumatic and stressful times in my life. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up because the pain was so unbearable. I liken deep emotional pain to those who lose a limb or find out they have cancer. People who feel very deep "go there" where most wouldn't. The emotional pain is indescribable.
    It's only been the pain I imagine others I love suffering from that decision that has made me not go through with it. Let me first tell you this: it is NOT the unforgivable sin. God knows us more than anyone and he knows what trials we bear and how I'm perfect we are. He knows how hard life is to live in this world. Second, know that if it wasn't this (his girlfriend), something else may have led him to do it or think about it at another point in his life. There is NOTHING you could've done. I promise. Deep emotions lead to deep hurt. Some can survive. Some barely do through drugs, alcohol or some other means (having children or others who depend on them - like me). Some just can't. I don't know his history but you do. Retrace what he was like as a child. Was he sensitive? Did everything seem to derail him? Was he highly emotional? These are all clues that he was affected by most things in life traumatically. Nothing you did.
    I also hope you will put away that it was his own doing. Your poor child was tormented by something that was out of your and his control. I hope you can take solace that he is now at peace. Please feel free to talk to me more. Hugs my sweetheart.
     
  11. POCO

    POCO New Member

    It's a sad and lonely road we travel.... After the loss of any child. You feel like you are the only Mother that has lost a Son or Daughter. It is so different not like any other loss and so very painful. I have lost my Grandparents, my Mother and Aunts and Uncles, Cousins and Friends. But this has brought me to my knees....I lost my Son, Jesse July 5th, 2016. He was 37 years and 38 days old. He was in an automobile accident just involving him in a rural area. I am still in disbelief and shock. I sometimes think it isn't real. Then I think about the early morning hour the Trooper come and told me, it plays like a tape recording over and over in my mind. At 4:00 in the morning I knew it was bad news never thinking it could be one of my 3 children. My Dad is 93 I just knew it was him never dreamed it was my only Son, Jesse. I can't get past the feeling of despair and guilt and overwhelming grief.
     
    Kellie likes this.
  12. POCO

    POCO New Member

    I live on a farm and don't want to go outside or anywhere for that matter. I don't want to run into someone that might say something to me or give me their condolences. I just don't want to hear it. I'm sad enough and don't want to be reminded that he is gone forever....
     
  13. Beth

    Beth Member

    Hello, first let me tell you how very sorry I am for your son. I too know what you mean about going outside. My son passed away July 12. 2016 he was 29.
    I find myself not wanting to see people afraid of who may know, and who may not know. We kept his services private, so only a handful of people know.
    So far, I have not had my first encounter of someone asking me, oh by the way, how is your son doing.
    I live at the beach so my neighbors are very close, so every time I walk outside I'm wondering do they know...
    I think the overwhelming sadness we have, will be with us quite sometime. I do believe in time it will ease up, the only thing I have been able to gather from others and a friend that lost her daughter, is that we will get through this. I do however think, that this is going to be our new normal. I know this is not much comfort, and if I could make a suggestion, since you live on a farm, maybe take some long walks. I do realize that getting out of bed and showered is a chore in and of itself, but if you could try and get any physical activity in, it really does help. I started back to my gym and it really helps me so much. I realize this is probably the last thing you want to hear but it really does help. The nice thing, is that no one knew him there, which helps a lot.
    I wish I could be more helpful, but our hearts are broken in a way we could never have imagined before. However, I do believe everyday that passes we will get stronger, we will never be the same, but I believe that we will make it through this. Try to get as much sleep as you can, and be gentle with yourself. I also have guilt as you mentioned, and every other imaginable thing that a mother can have. My son committed suicide.
    I don't think carrying the guilt, anger, and so on....is going to help us. I try and release it everyday. (easier said than done, but do I try).
    We have to keep in mind our Son's would not want us to hurt like this, if they could help it.
    I will keep you in my prayers, and hope to hear from you again.

    Beth
     
    griefic likes this.
  14. Kellie

    Kellie New Member

    I just lost my son on August 16, due to an auto accident. I had to make the decision to take him off life support. He was 30 years old, and my only child. He still lived with me and worked at my grooming shop. He was my life. I feel like I can never be happy again. The hurt is unbearable.
     
  15. Mona

    Mona Member

    Beth, my heart hurts for you. My son took his life 9 years ago. I have no idea how I survived that first year. But I did and I know you can, one breath at a time. Take care of yourself.
     
  16. Mona

    Mona Member

    I am so sorry Renae, it must feel so powerless to know someone took your sons life. The anger must make it that much worse.
     
  17. marie

    marie Member

    .My son took his own life June 8. How do u go on?
     
  18. Beth

    Beth Member

    Hello, I have not been on here in a while so I do apologize for now getting back to you.
    Well, let me say this, I know you think you won't go on, but you will.
    My son took his life July 12. this year. I had no idea at all, this was going to happen.
    The day he decided to this, he took my life too.
    However, I have done a lot of research since then, as I'm quite sure you have too.
    I don't think the pain that we have now, that we are experiencing can go on for any long length of time.
    The human body can't take that kind of grief,"long term".
    With this being said, I don't think we will ever get over it, I think we have to find a new normal. (whatever that is) Let me know if you find it...
    The one thing that I have done is going back to my gym. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it helps so much.
    I realize just getting out of bed, is a chore in and of itself. I try to keep in mind, my son and I'm sure your son, would not want us to be the way we are right now.
    I know he would not want me to hurt the way I do. Maybe if you can take some long walks, take naps if you need to. just be kind to yourself.
    I'm sure you are probably a bit like me, should have, would have, could have, if I only looked back. I really don't think this way of thinking helps us.
    There is a video on youtube called "tapping," I think it's similar to accupuncture, it's for grief, I like the guy that does it, I think he may be English.
    I was so desperate, I tried everything, you might want to check it out, it's called "tapping" mainly for grieving a lost one.
    I hope this helps some, I really wish I could give more wisdom, I just don't have it.
    We will get through this, for our sons.

    My prayers are with you,

    Beth
     
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