Missing Him

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Gigieva, Jun 20, 2020.

  1. Gigieva

    Gigieva Member

    Tomorrow is Fathers Day and also marks 4 months since he left. I Think I finally get the fact that he’s not coming home. My sweet, precious, kind husband. Oh how I miss him. The ache in my stomach and the anxiety is so real.
    The morning I lost him, he had got up when I was showering and sitting in the living room watching Star trek. I talked to him he told me I love you and I told him I loved him. He said “I’ll see you later” and I headed off to work at 5 am. .
    I never dreamed that would be the last time I talked to him.
    Life is so strange and lonely now. I miss his laugh, his kisses, his big bear hugs and even his messes. I miss his words of encouragement and him telling me “stop worrying about everything. It’s gonna be ok”. All of the little things that he did for me because he loved me and spoiled me. I am continuing to function well at work but home is still difficult. Maybe it’s getting a little better.
    I try to stay busy but end up napping a lot because I just don’t want to be awake and think about things. Sometimes I see him in my dreams.
    I wish I had a magic wand or 3 wishes and I would change things back to what they were.
    I miss him so.....
     
  2. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I'm teared up reading this... I know about the anxiety, loneliness, not wanting to come home but wanting to because of the 4 dogs that need me....I have trouble being busy even tho there is plenty to keep me busy. Motivation is not a strong point at 3 mos out in this mess. I lost my husband, mom and a beloved boxer dog within 2 1/2 mos. Then the covid outbreak making trying to get back to "normal" impossible. It would be hard enough but the covid has made everything so strange to me in trying to get back to a regular routine. People are different.....I miss all my husbands traits also but he was really sick the last 3 mos from January til March he wasn't home at all. Rehabs, hospitals, emergency rooms all became our normal. I hate to have lost him but I'm glad he went before the covid because he wouldn't have understood what was going on and why I probably couldn't have been with him in all those places as I was. I crossed the 3 mo mark Friday. It wasn't a good day at all....I miss my husband so much it's beyond the word hurt.....I wish I could give you a magic wand or 3 wishes....to make your hurt go away....
     
  3. Gigieva

    Gigieva Member

    I am so sorry for the losses you’ve had so close together. I couldn’t imagine having to handle all of that.
    I have a little dog My “Lulu” that has been my comfort and companion. I’d be so lost without her! We debated on getting a puppy, we were both busy with work and I was afraid that we wouldn’t have the time she deserved but we made it work. I cant imagine being without her now!
    It’s so scary being without a life partner, especially in these recent times.
    Robert passed before all of the isolation stuff started and we were able to have a funeral service for him and I am so thankful for that.
    I’ve been trying to go through some of his things recently.
    A member on this forum gave me a suggestion to have a quilt made from some of his clothes and I’ve finally been able to pull out some of his things to get ready to start on that. It was so emotional touching and remembering when he had last worn something.
    I know this post is all over the place but I start typing and it just feels good to see in print about him and our life. It wasn’t near enough time but it was so good!!! I was a Princess!! Just missing the magic wand!
     
  4. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you were treated like the princess. He's holding your wand for you in Heaven I'm sure. I'm sorry you have to go through all this also. I'm glad also that you have Lulu. Dogs are the best comfort in life you can have besides your spouse/partner I believe anyway.
    We have 4 dogs left. They are my life. I hate to be away from them for work. Tears me apart. I'm so afraid if something happens to me. What would happen to them. I have no one. A few friends that I did give keys to the house in case something does happen, at least they have access and would do what they could....Being without Jerry is crazy. He was gone from 1/6/20 to hospitals, rehabs, e/rs.....He didn't come home until I had Hospice bring him home in an ambulance so he could see our fur babies and I could be with him til the last which I was.....A forever video in my mind but I wouldn't have changed anything for him unless it would be to bring him back healthy! Last 4 years have been hell on earth for both of us. Mom lived with us too and I work f/t....only 3 days a week for now as they are letting me sorta slide back into the routine. But all of this has damaged me. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Jerry passed just as the virus exploded. I didn't want to lose him but I wouldn't have been able to see him in the hospital with all this virus. If he'd have caught that omgosh. So I too am glad that he got out of here before all of that hit the fan. And you are correct. It was not enough time. We almost made 10 yrs married. I still count it though. I don't do the word widow. I consider myself still married. He's just in a different plane now but he's with me. I see/feel signs all the time. On a daily basis. The dogs do too.
     
  5. Gigieva

    Gigieva Member

    You definitely had a full plate for four years, I’m sure you don’t know what to do with yourself having been a caregiver and being in and out of hospitals during that time. The loneliness and uncertainty of the “normal” is frightening. Jerry and your mother were certainly blessed to have had you by them during that time.
    My mother recently had to be placed in a long term care facility as she has advanced dementia. I live next door to my parents so it’s been hard not seeing her at home. I am a nurse and she lives at the facility I work in so fortunately i get to see her. Daddy can’t visit her due to covid visitation restrictions. She doesn’t remember my name but I think I look familiar to her.
    I went back to work full time a week after Roberts service. It was hard, but I made it. It was the only thing that made me feel normal. I felt needed and was super busy.
    Hospice is a wonderful thing! I am so glad you were able to bring your Jerry home to be with you and your fur babies.
    Those are surely precious memories that you’ll cherish forever.
    Robert passed away at home . I’m not scared to be here alone. This was our home and he loved it here. Someone asked me if I was going to stay here and yes, I am. I feel like hes here too...