George,
Words are totally inadequate at times, but since they're all we have, I want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss. Bob, my husband, will have been gone six months on October 11th. You lost Valerie only about a month before I lost Bob. We're almost beginning this miserable grief journey at the same time. Losing someone who you loved, and still love, with all your heart, is the worst kind of pain imaginable. There is no way of running from grief, it is always with us. It just sucks!!!
The weekends are the hardest for me too... Now, with the holidays almost here, it just makes the weekends that much worse. Bob and I met in the fall, went on our first getaway together over Columbus Day. Not only is Columbus day on October 11th, but it's also the six month anniversary of Bob's death. We got married in October. I could go on and on and on... the fall was always my very favorite season in New England (where I'm originally from and spent most of my life). The holidays were also a very special time of year for us. I'm dreading the holidays. I'm trying to focus on just making it through each day. As of this moment, the biggest challenge for me, will be making it through October 11th.
Backing up a bit, I feel not only alone, but also the most lonely, just like you, over the weekends. Weekends were always such fun times... sleeping in on Saturday mornings... waking up together... making breakfast together... talking about our plans for the evening over that first cup of coffee..., talking about our future dreams... our future plans.... I could go on and on and on, but will stop here (for now.) I know you "get" it, but wish with all my heart, you didn't have to "get it." I also wish that I hadn't taken all these little moments, the ones that make up so much of our lives, for granted. I think I could write a "book" on this, but sadly, I know you probably understand this too, so once again, will stop here (for now.)
I find that being outside, taking long walks in nature, the fresh air and sunshine, help me cope, and has a way of brightening my mood. I always make lists of things I want to accomplish every day, to try to give my life some structure. I find that it's especially important for me to do this on the weekends. There are times, that when I'm at my absolute worst, I just curl up on the couch and cry... I'm so sad..., I don't even want to talk to my closest friends from "home." There are other times, when I can't stand being alone, and so lonely, and I need to call a good friend. I always feel better once I hang up the phone. But, and this is a BIG but, as I know you already know, this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions, seems to have way too many downs, and not enough ups.
I think I'm rambling, and have totally lost my train of thought. I slept much later than usual today, but am still totally exhausted. I'm not sure if anything else I write would make any sense right now. I wish I had some words of wisdom, some suggestions that would make Saturdays a little bit easier for you, but sadly, I'm in the same boat you're in, the same boat all of us here, are in. It just sucks!!! I know it doesn't help you at all, but I totally "get" how you're feeling.
It's nice to "meet" you, but wish with all my heart, you didn't have to find us. This has become my safe place to come to for support, for advice, and to connect with others, who understand the unbearable pain of losing someone who you loved, still love, with all your heart. I hope this will become a safe place for you to visit too.
Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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