Hi Lou,
I hope you and N. enjoyed coffee and some good conversation at the Legion this morning. I don't know why, but your friend Ginny (?), in her 90's, just popped into my mind. She sounds like the most amazing woman!! I bet she's had a really full and interesting life. I can't even begin to imagine burying two husbands... She is one very strong person, with a great outlook in life. She's another one of your friends I would love to meet!! Now that I've gotten waaaaaaay off topic, I need to try to remember what I was going to say before Ginny popped into my thoughts. I know, I must have thought about Ginny, because from the little I know about N., he's also been through some very difficult and challenging times, and is working really hard to make his life better.
Backing way up to your way too early morning message, although I didn't read it in time, I fell asleep before I could start the book. After what you said, I'm glad I didn't get a chance to open it. If it's not too hot, I'm going to (try) to sit on my back porch with a large glass of iced tea, and read... I haven't been able to sit on my back porch since Bob passed away because of the ceiling fan. I remember when we went shopping for it, we knew exactly what we wanted, but had trouble finding the right one. As we were walking through another home improvement store, Bob excitedly said, "Hey Deb, I found it!!" He was so proud of himself. It was exactly what we were looking for. At the time we bought it, he was still able to get around with the help of his walker. He always enjoyed doing home improvement projects, but this time, he asked our next door neighbor to install it for us. I knew it wasn't easy for Bob to ask our neighbor for help. Bob was used to being the one doing everything for everyone else. It made me so sad..., but I didn't let Bob know it. Most of the time, just looking at that fan, has me in tears... I want Bob to be proud of me. I want to be able to enjoy simple things again... things that I always took for granted..., like sitting in a comfortable chair on the back porch..., the overhead fan keeping me cool... reading a good book. (I bet you already know what I'm about to say) This is another one of those TBC's (if I remember to tell you about it.)
I totally "get" "faking it until you make it." Karen says she does this often. I do it too. This morning as I was walking, I ran into neighbors. I was feeling so sad when I woke up, I knew I had to walk, I needed to get out of my house. I did that "fake it until you make it" thing when I saw them. In fact, I did it at least four times this morning as I kept running into people going for morning walks.
I saw a very elderly man, walking his small fluffy white dog, very s l o w l y... with the help of his walker. The small dog (super cute!!) was so patient, as if he knew how difficult it was for his owner to take him outside. I stopped to talk to him for a few minutes and of course, I just had to give his dog a hug. I think he was so grateful that someone stopped to talk to him. He seemed lonely. After I said good bye to him and was on my way again, tears started streaming down my face. I thought of how difficult life must be for him... Seeing him also brought back memories of watching Bob struggle to walk, to eat, to bathe himself... to do all those little everyday things, things that I always took for granted. I wanted so much to be able to erase these images of Bob from my mind, to replace them with images of much happier times, like the times when we were skiing, hiking, walking along the shore... but, I couldn't erase the images of Bob, the memories of him, once he became so frail.
After I walked for about another mile, I began feeling a bit better. It's amazing what some fresh air and sunshine can do. When I was almost back home, I ran into someone I hadn't seen since Bob passed away. He was walking the new addition to his family, an adorable puppy, a five month old black lab. We stopped to talk to each other. He asked me how Bob was. He didn't know Bob had passed away. After he told me how sorry he was, he asked me how I was doing. I was honest. I told him that it's been difficult for me because of how much I miss Bob. I thanked him for asking me how I was, and asked him how he was. He immediately told me about one of his neighbors who lost her husband two years ago. He said she had a hard time at first, but now she's fine. (I think he was trying to make me feel better.) I had to correct him, but I tried to do it nicely. I told him that I'm glad she's doing much better, but I also told him that grief never goes away. I told him when you least expect it, something might trigger a memory of the person who you loved, still love, with all your heart, and even if it is a happy memory, it is bittersweet - Happy and sad (to quote Robin again) at the same time. He seemed to think about this for a minute, but don't know how much of it he really understood. I hugged his dog, we said the usual stuff, that we hope to run into each other again, and each went our separate ways. Life and death are connected. It's sad that in our society, death is something that people try to avoid talking about at all cost, trying to sweep it under the rug, as though hiding from it will make things better. Better stop here, before I really get going!!!
I guess I really can write as much as I can talk. As always, I can (almost) hear Bob making a funny comment about this. Thinking about what Bob would say, is making me smile. Only people going though what we're going through, could ever even begin to understand this seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions!!
I hope you have many more reasons to be happy, then to be sad today...
As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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