Managing, Forgiving and Dreams

Dealing with this virus and social distancing after losing my husband 5 months ago is hard. More isolation, postponement of plans. I think for me, I am learning to be forgiving of myself for all my imperfections, not knowing how to handle this new life I have been given-- a life without my spouse, all my plans for our future gone or changed, all the unbearable "unknowns."

I want to be strong all the time, but I am weak often. I want to be sane, but I'm crazy. I want to be sad all the time but sometimes I'm falling in love with someone who is married and everything is simply topsy turvy.

I am managing. Each day is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Maybe I am learning to let go of any preconceptions of myself and life, to find love where there is love, to continue to want and yearn for love, although love is imperfect and unbearable.

I can sometimes appreciate the moment, other times, I'm thinking life is short, what do I have left to do and that's it. Just do it, and move on. My kids are on that list. My novel. Maybe part of my own journey has ended with my husband and that's okay. What is there left to do, find it, do it, changing expectations.

My husband comes to me in my dreams and there is love. This is wonderful but then I wake up and I look at a picture and I'm sad, or angry, or tired of being alone in this physical world, even though I know his spirit is there, loving. Still, I want to hold onto my past. I also want to run away.

I think we need to do what we can to manage each day, forgive ourself for our imperfect life, that is often unfair, and maybe, maybe, identify something, hold onto a few dreams that matter.

 

Exactly this!

 

Thanks for writing this, I lost my husbands 3 months ago and I feel just the same way. Its simply horrible all the ups and downs and anger and anxiety. I have found many short walks help and doing this during a pandemic is just so much harder. I am often at a loss of what to do. I was silly enough to go on a date recently and discovered I am not ready for that at all..... its just horrible

 

Hi Jane,

There is nothing silly about going on a date. Not many widows want to admit how much we need love and affection and hope in the aftermath of such great loss. It can be confusing and there's guilt. We are "a bag of needs" as another member of this sight once said. In the movie, Silver Linings Playbook with Jennifer Lawrence, the young widow sleeps with every many in her office after her husband dies suddenly in a car crash. There are layers to her story that make sense emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Have compassion for yourself at all times.

Today makes 11 months since my husband died suddenly. Nov. 26th, 2019...Almost a year. Shortly after his death I had a reencounter with an old friend and our relationship was both crazy and instrumental in my healing, and he continues to be a support, in a strange way (long story) By February, COVID came, so fast, then quarantine, my son having to do last semester of college on line, so much, a monster dose of change and forced to confront our vulnerability and mortality. So much and me at the center alone.

We were married for 25 years. I met him when I was 19. I loved him dearly; he was my best friend. There are so many emotions, even now as I write this. It is not a coincidence I read your reply today. I had just had a dream about him and all day has been kind of heavy,, thinking about this year and my marriage..and my future. I will tell you that even though it feels impossible, this pain and suffering, this sense of total craziness--does begin to settle. You will eventually begin to find light and hope in something new, a life less marked by pain and loss. It takes a long time. The gap and loss, his presence in your life, never go away-- but we are incredible creatures, humans adapt and survive and recreate and find hope and purpose in living.

Exercise daily has been a life saver. I run. I need the pump of my heart and the endorphins. Adrenaline. It keeps me out of depression. I also meditate daily 30-40 minutes. Anxiety was big, still sometimes, but much less now, 11 months. You will find a routine to help keep a sense of groundedness while flying off on this surreal journey that is called, "the dark night of the soul"

I had a lot of anger. Sometimes that flairs up, still, although now after so many months of grieving, it is less anger. Now more compassion, forgiving.

I am 50 years old. Not young, not old. You're close in age, that strange age, when you want to settle down, not retire, settle in and feel exhale. What happened sucks. I'm so sorry.

If you want to write, start a conversation privately, I'm here and open. Whenever.

Warmly,

Kelly

 

Wow Kelly thank you SO much for your detailed response and so open. I am glad that with time things may become a little easier. And you are right this age is weird to be suddenly a widow. 55 is kind of in between. My last kid goes to college next year and then a new reality will start. I just try not to think about it at all and do the day by day. The exercise is key, I got bored of running, hence many short walks a day especially when I find myself very anxious for what seems no reason. Keeping up with friends somewhat, with COVID is challenging and I am glad I have a good job and can work at home. Your story was very helpful for me, I thought I was going crazy and just when I have a good day then I have a really bad day and still find it all so unbelievable and unreal. I dream of him a lot and am sure I feel his presence, I am quite spiritual, I am not sure its real or wishful thinking. Wow! the anger is real, but seems to be turning more to compassion as the very long days go by. Also, still struggling with going to sleep and waking up alone every day. I think I will get a Peleton for Christmas and cycle, the exercise will help this winter.

My kids have been a huge help (he was not the dad obviously) and so have my friends. Dealing with being alone and lonely is something I need to work through.

Thanks so much I cannot tell you how much your email helped me.

Jane