Im not sure where to start ...,My emotions and heartache are totally overwhelming me .I lost my husband of 46 years on the 24th of February this year .I live in a foreign Asian country .That is having very strict lockdowns as Covid is out of control here..I live alone ,my daughters live overseas and have not been allowed into the country to grieve for their father . I do have a son and his family living close by .Thank God !! but Im still feeling totally isolated from friends and family .I guess living in an apartment alone and not been able to drive is making my situation worse . My husbands possessions are all around me ...I feel I cant move anything as I want to believe hes coming back !! I know Im being silly ,but seeing his clothes and all his daily items give me so much comfort .Im feeling totally lost .Im not sure how to go on without him .I cant leave the country to go back to the UK as I have all the admin to sort out ,everything is closed here making my job impossible . Just writing this a step forward for me ,as I put on a very good front and everyone thinks Im doing fine .But in all honesty Im just in a shell that protects from the real grief and showing my emotions .
Loraine, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died on April 11, 2021. Grieving someone who you loved, still love, with all your heart, is both physically and emotionally draining. The emotional pain is unbearable. I can't stop thinking about my husband. Random memories pop into my mind. It doesn't matter whether it's a beautiful memory, or an ugly memory, every thought, both good and bad, has me in tears... As I said in a previous post, I wish I had an off switch for my brain. My husband and I were together for 35 years. I'm not sure who I am without him. All of my dreams, plans for the future, shattered... I'm in survival mode, existing, but not living... My husband is the reason I get out of bed every morning. He wanted more than anything else, to be here. No matter how much pain he was in, he was grateful for each and every day he was on this earth. I know he would want me to be happy. I don't know if this is possible, but I start each day by finding something to be grateful for, no matter how small it is. I find that fresh air and exercise help me cope. I take long walks after breakfast. (I skipped it today, but I'm getting off track, so won't explain why here.) I make lists of things I want to accomplish each day. Sometimes the list only has one or two small items on it. Today it only has one thing on it. When I'm finished "talking" to you, I'm going to buy a neighbor who isn't feeling well, some flowers and a book. I find that adding some structure to my life, keeping busy, helps me cope. It also helps me feel a bit less lonely. (I don't have any family or close friends where I live now.) Everyone's grief journey is unique, even though we share some of the same thoughts and feelings. Surrounding yourself with your husband's possessions is comforting to you. This is not silly! You need to do whatever it is that brings you comfort. My husband had cataract surgery prior to his death. When he went to have his eye rechecked in February, his eye doctor took the right lens out of his glasses. He could see better without it after his surgery. We were planning on getting him another pair, but never had the chance. From the time the lens was taken out of his glasses, until the time he passed away, it was an endless stream of appointments with specialists, and hospital stays. I can't get rid of those glasses. I have them on my entertainment center and look at them all the time. I'm glad you found this site, but wish you didn't need to be here. You are not alone! All of us understand the heartbreak of losing someone who we loved, still love, with all their hearts. Please continue to share your feelings with us. We're here for you. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB321
I will pray for you. I remember running the gamut of those very same feelings when my beloved Janet went home to heaven on October 18th/ 2019. The pain is still there along with that helpless, vacant feeling. Triggers call for plaintive tears without warning, and I still miss her terribly. The void is still there, but I have adjusted my life to live on beside it. I recently wrote the following hymn in tribute to my Janet. ABOUNDING LOVE Bill Lathrop (2021) A HYMN Your love abounds, It abides, it surrounds and among the things I have found is, you’re here to love me… From above and from below, and everywhere I go…you love me. I want to make it clear that you’re always somewhere near, Close enough for me to feel your presence. And as I’ve said before (and it won’t hurt to say once more) There… I can absorb your essence. So, reach for the light and know that things will be right when all will be revealed in His presence. You’re Love surrounds, it abides, it abounds…and I know that he’s bound to Love me…(Repeat) Sent from Mail for Windows 10
Thank you DEB321. I really appreciate your support. When I started writing songs of tribute in honor of my Janet, I prayed that my songs might touch the heart of just one person, and help to ease their pain. According to my ex Hospice Grief Counselor (Joanie) I have reached my goal. She has shared my music with several of her clients, and the songs have helped. Thank you God. Bill
Thank you so much Deb,your message gave me so much comfort ,and made me realise That Im not alone.Reading the posts of so many people walking the same path of grief .Im so sorry for the loss of your husband Deb,,and yet you still reach out to others by giving your time and care ,when your own heart is broken .Thank you Deb !! sending you lots of peace and love.
Hi Bill .Thank you so much for your message , prayers and beautiful Hymn .Such a heartfelt tribute to your wife Janet .Im so sorry for your loss .Im sure Janet knows how much you loved her .Your Hymn really gave me comfort and gave me hope !! life will get better !Thank you Bill .wishing you peace and please keep writing your Hymns and poems !! such beautiful talent you have .
Thank you for taking the time to read my hymn. I am blessed that my words helped. God grant you peace and respite from your pain.
Dear Lorraine. I feel your pain. I was widowed last August 2020 after 43 years. It's been a very difficult 11 months although I have a wonderful support system and a very warm community and a loving daughter not too far away. I realized today that I am still waiting for him to get better, he always did before from minor things... Anyway my thoughts are with you and I am casting the net of light over you. (Netoflight.org)
Hi Ellen,thank you for taking the time to write to me .Im so sorry for the loss of your husband too .I think we will never get over our loss, but we will learn to live without them .They left our hearts filled with love and beautiful memories that we can cherish forever . That will give us the strength to keep going .Its good to hear that you have support and your daughter is nearby .When my husband was in ICU they allowed me 5minutes every 3 days because of Covid restrictions .I found that very hard ,and now I relive each moment I spent with him as he was dying .Since his death I have been in our apartment ,not been able to get out and see friends ,as where I live we are in a very strict lockdown for the last 3 months .Maybe thats healing for me ,as still feel he's here with me .Sending you love ,peace and comfort .Thank you for the link you sent me ,and casting the net of light over me .love and hugs to you xxxxx
Hi Loraine. You're very welcome and thank you for your condolences also. It must be very difficult not to be able to go out of the apartment. I did feel that grieving during covid was part of my process, however I was always able to go out of the house, walk in the small community and see a small number of supportive friends. I'm so glad you feel your husband with you, I have been very fortunate in that respect and have been told that his connection with me and friends and daughter to this extent is very rare. I imagine you are still in a lot of shock and altered state. I am still in shock myself, I feel it and have been told that by professionals. They always say there's no way to rush this and I have found that out. I'm sure you know that when we grieve we breathe shallowly and although I have post-its up that say breathe, I'm starting to realize that continual monitoring on my breath helps me a lot. My continued thoughts and blessings for you Loraine. Hope you will be able to return to the US at some point if that's where you're from and you want to. Ellen
Thank you Ellen for your kind words ,you are so right about Shallow brwathing ! Im now doing 3 mins of deep breathing exercise everyday .Im quite excited today as Im getting my astrazeneca vaccine !! I think Im just happy to go out !I pray that you find peace and comfort Ellen, Im sure your hubby is watching over you each and everyday ,.Giving you the strength to walk without him .God Bless .Lorraine .x
