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  1. Mary Crawford

    Mary Crawford New Member

    My husband died unexpectedly at 47 year's old of a massive heart attack. This has been 5 1/2 year's ago. Since then I have made 2 huge mistakes. I got married again not once but twice. They both ended in divorce.The simple fact is that I am not over my husband dying and never will be, he was my soul mate. He is the father of our 2 grown children. I have been having more problems lately with him not being here. Physically and mentally. Its to the point that I don't want to be here anymore. I miss him so much.
     
  2. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Mary:
    I am so very sorry about the loss of your beloved husband. Even though it was 5 1/2 years ago, when it comes to grief, there is no timetable. It's a very personal journey and sadly, one that is inevitable for most of us. What makes your situation so very hard to deal with is that your husband was so young when he died and I'm sure you had planned and counted on him being with you for a very long time. I know quite a bit about loss myself. In the past 15 years, I lost my only daughter at the age of 26 from leukemia. I thought I would never survive that. I also lost my Dad 12 years ago and we had a very special relationship. Technically he was my step-dad, however he was in my life for more than 30 years and he was my Dad and I was his daughter. His passing was very unexpected. And I lost my Mom in May of 2015 after battling lung cancer and COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. I was her primary caregiver for the last year of her life. Very, very hard. And in between all of this, I ending my marriage of 19 years (was with him for 25) in 2015 because he was having an affair for 10 years. He's still alive, but it's still very much like a death. I also had to put down my cat of 19 years, right before my Mom died, and she was family. Some people don't understand the bond we have with our pets, but nonethless it spells heartache. So I think I'm fairly skilled in dealing with and surviving loss.

    You say that you got married twice in the past 5 1/2 years, and both ended in divorce. Even though they were mistakes by your own admission, at least you were strong enough to end them both. That is also something to deal with that's not particularly easy. But you found this site, so you do realize where you are emotional and physically and you're reaching out. That's not easy and I give you credit.

    I could lie and tie it up with a bow, but that's not my approach to life. I'm somewhat of a straight shooter, so I'll share with you what I've learned and I hope it gives you some comfort.

    I'm assuming that since you have grown children, that you first got married when you were in your twenties or perhaps early thirties. That's a long time to be with someone for sure. The truth is that you may never get over losing your husband and the pain will always be there. However your ability to deal with it and continue on will improve. Trust me when I say I know it's true. The bottom line is that you only have 2 choices and I'm certain you know what they are. Your husband would want you to have as happy a life as possible without him. I'm of the belief that even though our loved ones are no longer with us physically, their spirits are very much alive. Not only within our hearts and memories, but all around us. I'm a person who believes in signs and they are everywhere. You just have to be open to them. Yes, it's hard learning to live alone. I was married briefly when I was 21 and divorced within 9 months. He was a NYC detective and got physically abusive....once. Put me in ICU for nearly 2 months. I got the quickest divorce I could. I remained single until I married my 2nd. husband at the age of 42. Huge mistake, but live and learn. The years I lived on my own were truly liberating, even though I had some practice because I've been on my own since I was 16. And right now at the age of 63, I find myself again on my own, with the exception of a big white furry cat who I rescued. Truth be told...she rescued me. I never thought I would be living out my life alone, but I have to believe that things happen as they were meant to be. I really have no family left and yes, it's hard sometimes, but I know I can survive whatever comes along and I'm a strong and resilient woman. Life made me that way. I may not be overly ecstatic, but I am at peace and I am content. You can't put a price on that. I suppose the only regret I do have is that I never had any children. I don't know how old your kids are, but I do know that you should cherish each other.

    If you haven't already done so, try to find a support group in your area. I joined a bereavement group early on because I was overwhelmed and I felt I didn't have any control over my life. It really helped to just be around so many other people who were dealing with broken hearts. Each story is sadder than the one before it. I also decided that if I wasn't kind to myself, no one else would be. So I did all the things that I enjoyed doing, whenever I wanted to. That included music, writing, gardening, swimming and horseback riding. Those things gave me joy. Even if I did them alone, I learned to enjoy them. And absolutely there were many days when I had to force myself to get up, take a shower, get dressed and get moving. It was hard, but if you take one day at a time, it's a bit easier to tackle. As you can tell by now, I like to write, so I started to keep journals. That was 15 years ago, and now I have more than 40 journals. When I read back over them, I am amazed at how far I have come.

    You will get there also. If for no other reason than you have to. I am glad you found this site and please reach out whenever you need to share, vent, scream, need advice, whatever. Always happy to listen and help.

    Take good care~Ellen
     
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