Lost without her

That’s quite alright with me. Sorry for your loss Bogman this really sucks being us. I just couldn’t come up with a better adjective. This isn’t what I signed up for I’m sure you may feel the same way. Also I always thought that I would go first not her. Lately I have been taking advantage of the hospice counseling and am going to try a group thing in a few weeks. It’s hard when you lived with someone for so long turn your head and they are gone.
My faith tells me that someday we will all be together again. Good luck Bogman and thank you RLC for taking the time to read and answer all this.

 

Lostman, I am so sorry, and I understand. Time seems to stand still. I lost my husband on the 11th of December, I contemplate the ALONE and NO ONE also. Sure there are family and friends, but they don't understand that loss of your one and only.

 

Bogman, No worries, everyone is welcome. We’re in this sucky world together just trying to get through another day. The fact that everyone has the same thing happening with people in their lives not being supportive, makes me feel some better. I started to think, is it possible every one in our lives liked Ron and didn’t care about me? Was I that horrible of a person? But no, it’s them, not me. I see that through so many posts on here. The feeling that it might be me had me in a very low place, it hurts when you’re alone and no one cares enough to ask how you are. On New Years my second cousin lost his son, I didn’t know his son but I’ve been supportive to my cousin, cause I know no one will step up and be there for him. This is the most difficult thing to get through. Just when I think I’m moving forward I take steps backward. Such a slow process.
Thinking of you, take care!

 

I think I can say we all feel just like you’re saying, this sucks and not what we signed up for. I’ll say I was sure I would go first. Ron and I talked about who would go first and neither of us wanted to be the one left behind. We hoped to go together. Ron was so healthy, took no medications at all. I have rheumatoid arthritis and that can attack organs so I figured I’d go first. Not only am I struggling with the loss and being alone, but Ron did so much for me. There are many things I can’t do or have a lot of trouble trying to accomplish. Ron always jumped right in, he loved helping me.
I agree that we will all be together again some day. Thinking of you all. Thanks for listening.

 

Agreed, friends and family just don’t understand, and that makes us hurt even more because they don’t know what to say or do. But if they haven’t had such a loss, how could they know. Having no real support is something I read on here often and I write about it too. It makes the pain so much worse.
I am so sorry for your loss, and you’re right, the loss of your one and only is the worst thing to deal with. Take things slow, don’t push yourself. I can honestly say I wish I had found this site long ago, the people on here have been very helpful to me and reading that we’re not the only ones feeling this, helps so much.
Thinking of you!

 

Hello Lostman, RLC and Bogman. I am so very sorry for your losses. It has not been a year yet but still feels like yesterday. I lost my wife last April 15 2019; it happened so quick also. In February she went in for what we thought was pneumonia and then was told it might be COPD and was referred to a pulmonologist and finally got the worst news of our life! She had stage 4 lung cancer. We packed a couple of bags and went to MD Anderson and ran all the tests again, after a week was told there was nothing they could do. We checked into their hospice floor and I painfully watched my wife decline until she died in my arms. She was such a strong woman to go through what she did with such beauty and grace. I love her more than anything and always will. My faith has got me this far and will see me through; I just don’t know when the “through” will be. It hasn’t gotten better and I don’t think it ever will, but it has become a little easier at times and I feel it will get more easier as time goes by. I put on the “I’m okay face” for relatives and friends through the holidays and it really was hard, but it did help me to be around family and friends. I also knew I could leave at anytime if I needed to. There is no easy answer; believe me I have searched. I started seeing a grief counselor soon after I got back home from Houston that has helped me a great deal, she has actually treated me for PTSD a couple of sessions which I feel were very successful to ease the flashbacks. I am still currently seeing her weekly. I also went to a group session for a while called Grief Share which was very beneficial in helping me understand the different phases of grief and how to deal people in your life that become less supportive. I found it through hospice and you might have a group near you. There are groups all over the country. It’s a structured curriculum that’s held weekly for around 3 months. I’m sorry I feel like I just wrote a novella but it just started flowing out again. There is plenty more I could write but this is enough for now. It does help to keep yourself busy and grief counseling is not for everyone but it has been very beneficial in my beginning of this new normal. Just know you will feel alone in this but we are here and we understand! “She was my angel on earth now she is my angel in heaven”.

 

John, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you and your wife went through. Thinking she has pneumonia and finding out it’s cancer. So sorry. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack that came out of no where. No signs no warnings, two hours and my life was changed forever. Lost the love of my life, I was in shock for quite a while. And I had to empty and close our business, so that was another loss. So hard. I didn’t even start any healing at all until I had the business closed, took me about 2 months, because I just wasn’t up to the stress of it all. For me it has been a year and still feels like it was yesterday. I remember it so clearly I’m guessing I always will.
I agree, the I’m ok face is super hard, we’re not ok but that’s what people want to see and hear. The holidays were so hard! I’m happy for you that you were with family and friends.
No apologizes needed, that’s what we’re all here for. To unload and to listen and support.
I lost my knight in shining armor, but I do believe he’s now watching over me and taking care of me. I feel his presence.

 

Bogman, for me it was also December, you're not alone. For that matter, all of here have a new reality to deal with, I wish I had some magic words to make it all better. I don't, all I can say is you're not alone.

 

John, I am also sorry for your loss. Its strange to read someone else expressing there feelings and what they are going through. All I can say is I'm in the same boat lost my best friend and wife of 43 years Sept.30th and held her as she took her last breath her eyes opened so wide and one last gasp it was over. Our 44th anniversary was 13th Dec her birthday was the 22nd and Christmas. I like how you used the term putting on your game face for relatives. Boy oh boy is that every true. The only thing keeping me sane is my 15 yr old granddaughter we are raising who is still with me.
I have finally signed up through the hospital hospice to try the group session this Tuesday. The hospice pastor still comes around with books on grieving and we usually talk for half an hour and end with a prayer.
I guess in a sad way its comforting to know I/we are not alone in this journey of losing a loved one.

 

Lostman glad to see some support for you. The Hospice Paster sounds great. I went to a blood specialist recently, an oncologist. She lost both parents to cancer and that drove her professional career. We talked about grief and how it changes you. The brain is altered and really we never let go of our love for our person. Things come along that are new concerns and fill our lives slowly but we still remain true to our marriage and love of our person. Dual life of love and memories but small new relationships start to appear. Report back if you will on the group. Also glad you have the granddaughter to put love and concern into. Seems like some light is in your life.

 

Hey Paul,
Yes I sure believe that a person's brain gets rewired or altered. I think one of my biggest things is I don't ever want to forget anything about my wife. We were high school sweethearts so married for just 2 months short of 44 years. Oh plus going out with her 3 of those years we were pushing almost 50 years with each other.
Like I mentioned earlier she was my soul mate, my best friend. We could talk about everything and anything.
Losing her was like losing a large part of me.
Yes for the time being my granddaughter is still with me. Her father is fixing up a house and she's wanting to live with him. Our daughter passed away several years ago and we had to take him to court to get custody.
My wife and I raised her all this time and I understand where she is coming from.
The part that is hard for her is she's torn between leaving me alone to living with her father and his girlfriend.
I will get through this pain it may take me longer than a lot of people. I've told my granddaughter this and also I'm not her biological father he is and I understand her wants and needs. Also told here I'm not going anywhere I'll always be there for her.
The other thing is and I know people mean the best but when you hear, She went quickly and that was a blessing or this to shall pass.... I know it's only been since September 30th and it's still early I am thankful for hospice offering help with pastor, group support and all types of literature on grief.
Paul tonight will be my very first time going , honesty I'm nervous about sharing something so personal.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Lostman

 

Lostman

I think you said and are taking the best possible position with your granddaughter. She has so much life that is ahead of her. Your support on some level will always be needed. I am in the middle of some odd virus. A medical condition that could be severe but will likely be fine. I had to see a specialist in Hematology/Oncology who as it turns out was my wife's cancer doctor at least for a second opinion. So I somewhat knew her. What stood out in our visit was the fact she lost both her parents to cancer and that very much influenced her medical career. That topic of our brains rewired or altered came up and was confirmed. I was relieved in a way that this doctor could know grief first hand and we, therefore, knew each other in that common experience. We both agreed this never will really go away. I would add why should it. So I very much doubt you will forget your wife.

The trying to be kind statements by others is the best they can do. No one except those who have lost can fully understand how deep our connection was and is. They try to console but can not know the depth. I think no blame there just not a shared experience.

As to the group, of course, you can speak or not. Being in the presence of others that do in fact share our experience is enough. The common thread is sadness and loss but it is commonly felt and shared. Or at least understood. Life goes on I suppose just slow and so many holes. You are correct I think. We are altered and what fills our loss is tediously slow. Life will do that its just the timeline and what we may be able to accept. I would think not much for a good period of time but you are taking steps that hopefully feel right to you. Then there is the in-between that just is.

I hope your venture out was positive and less lonely being with others.

Best to you and all of us.

Paul M.