Lost Widow as of 2 weeks ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Kiers, Feb 7, 2020.

  1. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    Hi
    My husband was diagnosed with glioblastoma after he had a seizure on May 30. He died eight months later. He slowly lost The use of his body and then his mind and so choose a medically assisted death.
    Every moment of every day feels like a nightmare. I have friends and financial support but none of that matters right now. I miss him and I miss my life. My son is moving out in three months and I will be alone. I know I will have to reinvent my life. I am only 56. We were planning a retirement filled with travel and friends. I don’t know what to do about this constant crushing feeling in my chest and stomach. I am trying grief counselling next week. I hope it helps.

    I cannot find where to add my profile
    Kiers
     
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  2. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    Really helpful
     
  3. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    I understand everything you are going though. My husband also passed at 59 very quickly. We had so many plans for our future and children and grandchildren that he will never be there to see. That is very hard on me to think about. But I know he would want me to keep going and keel his memories alive. I don’t want my children and grandchildren to forget what an awesome husband, father, papa he was and will always be. I miss him every day and it’s very hard to keep it together but I am trying my best and talking to others in the same boat helps me a lot because others just don’t understand the pain we are going through. I hope you continue to post and reply to others to. A lot of good people here just trying to live. Take care
     
  4. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    Hi Cora. you are the Only person who responded to me. I appreciate that.
    Hopefully I can keep on going. It seems to be more difficult every day to put 1 foot in front of the other until I can go back to sleep
     
  5. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Hi Keirs Very sorry for your loss I do understand at least part of what your going through, my wife passed in December 2019. We too had many plans for retirement of travel and relaxing on our little bit of paradise by the lake but those dreams were shattered by cancer. It's just so sad to think after a life of hard work that she isn't going to get to experience the chapter we were looking so forward to sharing, makes my cry everytime thinking about it !!?? I do take some solace that she no longer suffers and in my heart I know it's me who is doing the suffering now but as you said we will have to reinvent our lives which I believe can be done, in time. Keep working at finding your way through this grief, yes it's a nightmare but we all can find some sort of new normal whatever that looks like ?? Dan
     
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  6. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I hope it helps too. My husband died after 43 years of marriage of cancer. Grief counseling worked for me a little bit but found it difficult to keep going. I know all the answers and just feel I need to wait until pain subsides. I am trying to be more social but it is difficult. Is that how you feel?
     
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  7. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    Yes Kathy that is exactly how I feel. I have lots of support but still need to force myself to get out there and socialize. I feel like I am in a different world. Time is all I can think of that may help.It has now been one month and six days and I just want to crawl out of my skin.
     
  8. Kiers

    Kiers Member


    Thank you for sharing Cora. I also know he would want me to keep going but I just don’t know how To live without him. It is so lonely in my house.
    I have A 26-year-old son whose heart is also broken. We were once very close and I’m sure we will be close again but right now our broken hearts are causing us to bicker a lot. I think I want more from him Then he can offer and he is feeling a lot of pressure which makes him say harsh things which breaks my heart further. Never thought that would Happen. I thought it would bring us closer together not further apart. Like you say, just trying to Live.
     
    Cora1961 likes this.
  9. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    Hi Dan
    That was a comforting reply. Thank you. I find it difficult to see my friends who are following their retirement dreams while I am grieving at home. I know I shouldn’t be jealous but I am. They are great friends and would do anything for me. They just can’t Bring my husband back. Forcing myself to get through every day is exhausting.
     
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  10. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I remember those first two months. I was in shock and felt I was going to lose control. I just couldnt imagine how I was going to go on living. I am giving myself one year. After 6 months some things are better. His death feels more real and I can feel that i can see a future ahead (what type of future not sure yet). I live in another country 5 months a year and in that country women whose husbands have died are told to do nothing but grieve for one year. in fact, they are not even allowed to leave the house before 40 days! I think one year sounds like a reasonable time frame. I have been told that 18 months is the real cut off but I am going with 12 months. Today I cried alot after watching a particularly sad moment in a movie and couldnt stop, but then after lots of tears I felt better the rest of the day. Each day is unique. This one isnt ending so badly but started off terrible. I will see how tomorrow goes.
     
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  11. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Yes, every day is different and anything can set me off. Just looking at my grand babies and thinking how he loved them so much. How he was so excited for retirement so we could travel the states in our rv.
    Any company vehicle or co workers I see , makes me sad. Every day is a struggle but I have to make it for my kids and grandchildren, one foot in front of the other every day. It really helps talking and listening to others having the same issues and struggles.
     
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  12. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    You are generous, I am just trying to make it for myself. I know my kids and grandkids will be ok, they expect their fathers and grandfathers to die eventually, but the shock of losing the one you go to bed with every night is more personal for me. Do something selfishly for yourself tomorrow.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Kiers, I am so sorry for your loss, this new life that has been thrown at us is so difficult. I know everything your feeling and it’s torture. Foggy brain, can’t sleep, nothing feels right, absolutely nothing. This site can be very helpful it has helped me and I’m hoping it can help you. We know and understand the feelings your having, you’re not alone. That crushing feeling takes time to disapate but in time it will. This journey is full on road bumps, hopefully you have support to help you through. My daughter has been my main support, we help each other. She stayed with me for months to help me through, she even worked from my house. She’s back at her house now and it’s been a rough transition for me. The house feels so big and quiet and lonely. My husband passed suddenly from a massive heart attack, his brother passed in 2011 from glioblastnoma. So I’m mourning my husband but I also know a little about that god awful brain cancer. My brother in law started acting different and started having bad headaches, that’s when he got diagnosed. He had surgery and chemo, radiation and he was even chosen to try a new drug. He lived about 1 year 3 months after diagnosis. He woke his wife up and said his headache was horrible, I think this is it, they got him to the hospital but he passed the next day. So sad, they had just moved to New Hampshire and didn’t have family close.
    My husband and I also, like Ive read many other posts about, were about to retire and also planned to travel, he wanted to buy a RV and travel the states. We planned to retire from our business this coming Sept. now what? Only time will tell. Like everyone else, we worked and saved to enjoy retirement. That was stolen from us all.
    Reading other people’s stories has been cathartic for me, the not feeling alone is so helpful. Hopefully for you too.
    Robin
     
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  14. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    Thank you for sharing that Robin. I am so glad there are people here to share with. Did you join a bereavement group? Did it help?My son is moving out in two months. I will be completely alone. Very bad timing. I don’t know how I will cope with that.
    There is a memoir that my cousin who lost her husband tragically gave to me. It is called Heartbroken open. After not being able to read for six months I cannot put this book down. It is very cathartic. I would share it with your group but I don’t know how. Still trying to navigate this site. You might want to give it a try
     
  15. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    My husband and I were looking at an RV before his last three months when he became very ill. We almost bought one. It was our dream to drive around for many months. I still want to take that trip as somehow it feels that I am fulfilling a dream he and I had. I only hesitant because of the loneliness. Its not something I feel I can be comfortable sharing with someone else. My husband I had taken so many car trips before and we had our routine. It was the routine we enjoyed as much as the travel. in fact, what I miss more than anything about him is not the great conversations, but just our routine together. It was comfortable. Do others feel like that? My husband for 43 years made me coffee in bed in the morning and plopped down in a near by chair and we talked. Sometimes it would be the only time we talked all day. Maybe we should plan an RV caravan for those who have lost their spouses over the last few years. We could be alone without being alone.