Lost the love of my life

4/3/20. A day that will just never ever make sense to me. My beautiful, just 39 years of age, girlfriend of 7.5 years left this life suddenly. The disbelief, shock, anger, guilt and sadness were and are, overwhelming. We had absolutely everything right in front of us, she was finally moving in with me end of April and we'd have been house hunting later this year. I can't fathom any of it, can't wrap my head around a single part of it. I have so much guilt she wasn't with me when it happened. So many feelings of horror and loss. She is absolutely everywhere I look in my apartment (that she basically put together for me). Her scent and imprint is everywhere. Her belongings sit there and i've no idea what to do with them. Her beautiful hair, I still find everywhere throughout the apartment, her toiletries in the cabinet torment me every time I use the bathroom. I don't even know where to start with any of it. For the first week, I didn't sleep and barely ate. It's not much better now, although I no longer cry all day, just in my quieter moments. She is in my head every minute though.

I'm also completely alone, except for the dog I adopted in the wake of this nightmare. My kids live with their mom, I see them 3 days per week which helps a lot but the other 4 are terrible. My whole family is overseas, most of my friends in my adopted country live too far away to assist and Covid has put paid to any in-person support anyway. Whats worse is, my poor lady had no real family and only a very small circle of friends. Her father, the only family member who treated her properly, passed when she was in her twenties. She has no relationship with her mother, a vicious drunk, who of course, is next of kin and got to make all the decisions after her passing. I had no say. I was her emergency medical contact but we never did get around to making me next of kin. Her mother has not even created an obituary for her, 5 weeks on. Disgraceful. Her two boys are estranged and not in contact.

So I sit here in overwhelming grief, not quite sure what to do next. I will be planting a tree of remembrance at her best friends home today which will be lovely but so emotional. She had a storage unit which i'm trying to maintain. I found undeveloped pictures i'm going to get developed for her. I find that I want to continue to do things for her, even now. A picture timeline, the tree, a foundation in her name, continuing to try to contact her children. I don't know how or where to stop with it, keeping busy is all that stops me from crumbling into nothing.

Just needed to share, thank you.

 

Hey Steve,
I completely understand your grief and story as mine has a lot of similarities. My sweet wife Peg died suddenly on Nov 2, 2019 from a brain aneurysm. I felt exactly the same as you in the first weeks and months. Nothing you're feeling or doing is wrong. You're not alone. You'll be surprised how many of us there are out there. Try to just take care of yourself right now. Eat right and sleep well. Try not to get upset with her family. Cry as often as you need to. I'm still crying at least once almost every day. One hour, one day at a time is all we can do. Peace and happiness will come back to us. I'm sure of it. Hang in there!

 

Hi Barry, thank you for your heartfelt message of kindness. Sincere condolences to you also on the tragic loss of Peg. There are no words that truly help, grief is such a personal and unique thing to deal with. From reading this site quite a bit over the past 24 hours, it's sobering just how real loss is, so many people losing someone special. Thanks again for your kind words, every little bit helps.