Lost the love of my life 1 month ago

Her name was Jessica Binion. I loved her with all my heart and soul. We connected on so many levels. She was a lot younger than me but taught me so much about myself. We were only together a little over a year. We knew each other a year before. Both of us have always been a bit on the wild side. The first night we got together we did some ketamine and orange sunshine lsd. We really felt a strong connection and that was pretty much the beginning of our love life. I had previously had a long on and off addiction with cocaine. About 3 months into our relationship she wanted to know about and share everything that I had experienced. I was a little hesitant at first, but finally decided why not. We had quite a few great together and when the Covid situation started the shut down, the cocaine supply had pretty much dwindled down to non existent. So, we decided to quit since the quality was weak and cost wasn’t worth it. She was a much heavier drinker then myself. One day, she was drinking and got upset and had a friend pick her up. That “friend”brought her to a mental hospital on July 4th and I had no idea what happened to her until the 9th when she contacted me after getting released. I had started doing coke again during that time as I turned to it to escape my sadness. That didn’t really work. She had also decided she wanted to do some after getting back. So we continued trying to get some every now and then but once again found weak stuff. Feeling disappointed, we kept trying to find something good every now and then. Then on Sept. 8th we got something that wasn’t normal but we didn’t put together what was wrong. It turned out to be fetynol. She did some Sept 9th sometime before we went to bed. I didn’t do any, I didn’t know she had some put back for herself. I woke up the next morning after going to bed around 2:30-3 about our normal time for bed. Everything seemed to be fine with her, although she feel asleep before me which was a little unusual. I woke up and brought her some water. That’s when I found her unresponsive and cold to the touch. I tried waking her up and knew she wasn’t waking up but I still tried. That’s when I called 911. Its the most horrible thing that has every happened. I am completely lost without her. Every moment of every day is a struggle. I left the place we were living at together and now I am staying with friends. The two places I have been staying are pretty much wore out at this point. I don’t know where to go or what to do with my life. I do know I never want to touch drugs ever again. I don’t feel like this is something I’ll ever be able to get over or through. Also, her family is trying to blame me and saying I killed her which is totally not true. This is making the experience even more stressful though. This was the last thing I could have ever imagined happening. I dream about her about once a week. Had a dream last night we were sleeping together and talking and then she was gone and I could only find her bag. I woke up pretty upset, obviously. I went to church for the first time in very many years this morning and is was alright. I feel completely stuck and lost and empty.

 

Oh Luke, I am so sorry for your loss. And in such a devastating way! That is so very sad. Fentanyl is so very strong and a 100 times more potent than morphine and heroin. So this happens more often than not when people take this without being aware of its strength. Also there is a lot 0f counterfeit fentanyl around as well that is cut with other drugs that kill. So I would not let yourself feel this is in any way your fault. People may be judgmental too and say well you lived a party life doing various drugs so this was bound to happen. Well everyone has things in their life that may not be good, but no one should judge anyone else for how they live their life. Jesus was the only perfect person in all of human history. That is why He died, to pay for the sins of the whole world. He forgave me of all mine back on May 3rd, 1977 and my life after that has been a whole learning time of God working in my life. My loss of my husband on June 30th has devastated me too. He loved me every single day with every part of his being. He taught me so much about the Bible and kept me from giving up on God when I would go through things in my own life that I felt were too much. But nothing prepared me for this loss after 23 wonderful years of marriage. I am glad you went to church, as I too have been back to church myself about 3 times since his death. It was a little hard as it was not the same as it was when we went together, but we had not been in many years due to my work schedule as a nurse. Well I will keep you in my prayers and that you will find ways to better deal with the pain and sadness you are facing. Again, I am so very sorry for what you have experienced.

 

I feel just like you do. My husband of 32 years passed 10-02, he was my best friend. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost, so so depressed and empty without him. I don’t dream yet, I barely sleep. I’m barely functioning. I don’t know what to do, it seems like it will never get any better. Everyone keeps saying time will help, but how much time? Time right now to me means infinity. I feel for you, I never know anyone could feel so bad.

 

My husband had cancer that was under control, he hadn’t even started IV chemo yet, he was 67 and also had cirrhosis of the liver. I never dreamt he was as sick as he was, he hid it well. He also had esophagitis and started vomiting blood every time he ate or drank, on day 3 of this I finally got him to go to the hospital. He did not have esophageal varices they scoped him and the bleeding was from the esophagitis. I took him to the hospital on Tuesday, by Sunday they were discharging him to rehab to get stronger. They were working on insurance, Monday night his health went down hill. Thursday I brought him home under hospice care and Friday morning he died in front of me, we were by ourselves and it was horrible. I never seen it coming and still can’t believe I will never see him or hear his voice again. They said the cancer on top of his other problems wore his body out and there wasn’t anything that would save him. I figured he would hang on for months and he didn’t even make 24 hours from the time his Dr. told me. He was my soulmate. My world is gone. I’m just a shell of a person.

 

Thanks for the understanding and prayers. Every and any prayer is exceptional and important. I have been feeling a little better lately. I have been working on a puzzle. That has helped my mind be more at ease. I had been drinking a little bit of ciders to ease my sadness, but today I haven’t needed it so far. I have now dedicated my life to spreading awareness on the dangers of drugs. I’ve had a couple friends do drugs in front of me since. I told them I didn’t agree with that behavior anymore and left. Both of them called me later and realized that the drugs weren’t as important as my friendship with them. They both have told me they were going to stop. I am doing my best now to be an advocate for sober living. Meaning no hard drugs. I will never disagree with the use of marijuana. I am doing my best now to put purpose into my life that will actually make a difference in other lives. I hope for a better understanding and cleaner living for all.

 

I suppose people are right. Time does makes things somewhat better. I couldn’t imagine losing someone after that long being with them. It’s been almost 6 weeks and today I have felt the best. Of course there are plenty of moments and times that I miss her and think about her. I had been in terrible shock and trauma the first 2 weeks for sure. I finally found a friend who had an extra room that I have been able to gather myself somewhat. I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason l. After this happened, I started to doubt that. I still might never understand what possible reason or how this travesty cooled have ever occurred. I am starting to realize how much it is changing my whole perspective and way of approaching life. I now know I will never use drugs again. The only main one I liked doing was coke, by I was honestly getting tired of it as well. After getting some coke from someone who I thought was trustworthy, then it turned out to be cut with fetynol. I was completely shocked and disgruntled to say the least. I am learning again to appreciate and enjoy the simple things in life. Things such as drinking water, coffee, helping others, in general more wholesome things. Life seems to bring you what you need, when you need it, if you are patient and receptive to be able to recognize and accept it. Nothing will ever change the tremendous loss we have, and are still currently, and will always experience. Life will certainly never be the same without her. It seems like change is truly the only constant thing we have to endure. I guess now it’s just a matter of if we are going to make this change something our loved ones would be proud of or not. It is my hope that by my vigilance to promoting healthier loving that at least one person doesn’t have to go through what I had to. Now, I’m just trying to make the best of it. That’s really all I am able to do right now. It’s not easy by any means. As the old adage goes, “no one ever said life was going to be easy”. I wish for you and pray that you are able to make it through this most difficult time and find something that will help ease your pain.