Lost son suddenly at age of 18

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Colantuoni, Jun 17, 2020.

  1. Colantuoni

    Colantuoni Member

    I don’t know what to do with all of this sadness, anger and grief. Nothing is helping.
     
  2. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    I know..It's like you're completely shattered and nothing fits...
     
  3. Colantuoni

    Colantuoni Member

    Well said! I get so tired of pretending everything is ok when it’s not.
     
  4. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    I agree..it's not ok. It never will be ok. The funeral is over and people's lives go on. They forget you are grieving so you act "normal" while inside you are crying. It's a struggle every day and time doesn't lessen the pain it just makes the reality that my son is gone more real.
     
  5. Colantuoni

    Colantuoni Member

    No it will never be ok. I’m so very sorry that you lost your son. How old was he? Mine was 18. It’s so difficult to have all these emotions. And nobody seems to even come close to understanding.
     
  6. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    My son was 19. He died of a drug overdose 7 months ago. He wasn't an addict. He was suffering from depression and anxiety. We lost his father to cancer 2 years ago and a series of other hard things hit him. He made a bad choice. I'm so tired of waking up every day so f***king sad. Constantly crying and hiding my feelings so no one feels uncomfortable being around the woman with the dead son. I have a daughter, 17. She the reason I push myself to go on. No one can understand this pain. How did your son die? Do you go to therapy?
     
  7. Colantuoni

    Colantuoni Member

    My sons throat swelled and he took himself to the ER. They intubated him wrong (plus many other things) and he went 10 minutes without oxygen. He was brain dead and died a few days later. I am so fucking tired of it too! I also have two other sons 24 and 23. That’s the only thing that gets me up in the morning. Went to counseling and stopped but I am starting up again. It was helpful to me.
     
  8. Colantuoni

    Colantuoni Member

    My mother died 5 months before my son. I feel your pain.
     
  9. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    Omg, that is so senseless..I am so sorry...My son was brain dead as well. I chose to have the tube removed. He died in my arms. I felt so helpless. I was in therapy up until the pandemic. I need to start again too. I'm a teacher and not working for the summer. Maybe all this extra time just reminds me that he is gone. I feel so alone without him. My daughter doesn't like to talk about her father or brother so that makes it worse because I really have no one who understands. Some days are worse than others but they all suck. I don't want to hear how strong I am.. I just want my son ...Losing your son so close to your mother must have been even worse for you. Do you believe you will meet him in heaven?
    Are you married?
     
  10. Colantuoni

    Colantuoni Member

    My son’s won’t talk about it either. That worries me. I don’t know what I believe any more about God and heaven. I used to know what I believed but his death has changed everything! I don’t like hearing how strong or brave I am either! None of those descriptions fit how I feel. Have you read any books? I’ve bought about five and only one was good to read. I’m going to look for it and give you the title. Maybe you will like it. I am married and I’m so sorry you lost your husband. You probably feel very alone. You’ve had double tragedy! Do you ever feel like you’re still in shock? I do. Do you believe you will see your husband and son in heaven? Do you think they are together? I like to think that my mom is taking care of my son.
     
    skies24 likes this.
  11. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    It worries me that my daughter doesn't open up about their deaths also. She told me everyone grieves differently and it makes her too sad to talk about it. She has never been to the cemetery. Her father and brother are buried in a veterans cemetery. They allowed them to share a plot and stone. My son is on one side and his dad on the other. When Nathaniel died I thought I felt his father's presence in the room. In that moment I felt him take our son. That gave me a sense of peace. My daughter, Andriana cried as she held her brother's hand and watch him die but she never spoke about it. She has gone to therapy but chose to stop going.
    I am not a very religious person but I like to think my son has his dad and my dad watching over him. My son and I were close. We talked a lot about dying after his dad died. We talked about his dad sending us a signal if he was ok in heaven. I look for signals from my son all the time. In the beginning I felt his presence so strongly with me. Now I don't know. I visit his grave several times a week. Yes, I still feel in shock. The first time I saw his grave it broke me. It made it so real. I thought I was going to lose it but something brought me back. I don't know if I believe I will see him again. That use to be the only thing that kept me sane. Now I sometimes just feel like death is final. There is nothing else. I use to feel like I was such a lucky person. Now I feel like my life is just tragic. I am lonely but I chose to be alone. Does your husband support you? How does he handle his grief? Do you feel guilty when you laugh or almost feel normal? Did they ever find out why your son's throat swelled?
     
  12. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry for your pain. I lost my person in January. I miss her more than anything. I struggle with my faith also now. I just wish there was something concrete that we would see them again. It would make it easier I think. I hope to find the faith.
     
  13. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    I am sorry you have to go through this torment. The first 6 months weren't real for me.But Mother's day and my birthday in May just made it very real that he was never coming back. If I had my faith it would make it easier. What I do have is hope. I hope that one day this grief will turn into purpose and maybe I can live again. But that is going to take a lot of time. So I need to learn patience. I'm at the point where the shock is gone and now I just ache. My body hurts, I can't eat and all I want to do is sleep. But I don't. I push through for my daughter. All we can do now is survive. :)