Lost my wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by ArthurAllen, Aug 22, 2020.

Tags:
  1. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Its been 1 week today that my wife passed of health problems. I feel like Im living in a bizarre dream that I cant wake up from. Each thing Ive had to do this week I feel like Im on autopilot, or its not really happening. I still cant sleep and dont care about eating. Im still living in our home and everything is a reminder of how my wife loved to decorate this house. Anyone going through a similar situation please dont hesitate to tell me what to expect in the weeks and months to come. Im living in a different state than the rest of my family, so I feel even more isolated.
     
    Kata likes this.
  2. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    It's been 3 weeks that I lost my wife also. I know exactly what your going through. I also can't sleep or eat, my wife was the best part of my life. I don't drive so, I'm stuck in the house we lived in for 16 years. I loved doing anything for her. She loved plants and birds. She left behind 2 beautiful cockateils that adored her. They aren't the same either. I try to keep her garden and birds maintained. It's so heart breaking to see all of her treasures that she loved. She was such a great person, she didn't deserve this. I miss her all the time. I'm alone 99% of the time and I don't know what to do. I just want her back.
     
    Kata likes this.
  3. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

     
  4. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

    I understand your pain .
    Its only been a month and half since i list my wife to a lengthy illness as well..she was in the hospital fir a solid month till her passing on july 17..
    I know. That firat week or two was probly the harfest for me..
    I coukdnt hardly go a day where I didnt have anxiety attacks ..
    Panic attacks ..
    I couldnt go back to work for quit a while.
    I dont wish that pain on anybody..
    I miss my windy so bad...
    But I belaive she is better off..
    Ahes nit in pain or suffering and breathing so much better..
    The pain from me miasing her will never go away..
    Now i know everyone on here deals there own way..
    But mine is to just to try and stay busy
    Not to dwell to much. But i do..
    Hopefully you have a church or some friends in your area to help you deal with your grief..
    God bless and stay strong
     
    Kata likes this.
  5. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Thanks for your replies. Ive read them and I relate. I cant go back to work, my heart isnt in it. I know some people work overtime to stay busy, but we all handle loss differently. I literally canceled all my jobs, I dont care about how someone's new deck looks, I cant bring myself to do the physical work. I dont want to see happy couples living the life that my wife and I had just a week ago. They dont realize how lucky they are to just have each other. It's just too painful. Ive been busy with the funeral and probate issues anyway. My grief comes in sudden waves. Ill be ok, then Ill think about some plans we had for this week and Ill fall apart. I ask god questions that I know there will never be answers for. I also just want her back. I have to sell our house. I have a son from a previous marriage in another state so Im going to move closer to him and rebuild our relationship I hope. But everything will take a long time, so Im stuck in our house of memories. Memories should be happy, but right now they bring grief and sadness. I appreciate your replies, and your situations. Dont hesitate to reply, I dont have anyone to talk to in this area, thats why Im reaching out online, so I dont lose my mind.
     
    Kata likes this.
  6. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Your story rings true for me. I don't remember what I did for the first couple months. We're in shock. I didn't eat for 4 days! I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. I walked around our house, that Peggy decorated, and was a zombie. Numb and on autopilot. I went back to work after 10 days. Didn't think I could handle it so I just asked for a half day. It went well and I've been working ever since. I know getting out of the house was good for me. When you're ready, do it! Get out of the house as often as you can. It's good for you, I promise. Grieving is so very hard on you! Take care of your health. I went to a Dr. He understood and gave me pills to help me sleep. That helped me a lot too. I'm 9 1/2 months into my grieving process now and it's a little better now. Things have gotten easier to handle. I don't cry as much but I still cry. It's a rollercoaster of good and bad days. Pray. Prayer is a good and true thing. It will make you feel better and I swear my life has been better since I started praying. Enough said. There's a lot of things that demand your attention right now. I remember that and understand you're overwhelmed. Take it easy on yourself. One hour, one day at a time. Don't make any major decisions in your life for a long while yet. I've been told one year before anything major. Selling the house, moving, change your job, etc. About getting your wife's things out of the house remember, once it's done it's gone. You don't want regret. You don't have to do anything you don't want to until YOU decide it's time. Other people may think you should do things. They're trying to help you but unless they have been through this kind of a loss they don't know what they're talking about. No sense sugar coating it, you're headed right into hell. The beginning is the hardest part. One day at a time. I promise it will get easier. Peace.
     
    Kata likes this.
  7. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Im sorry for your loss. You and your wife lived in that house for a long time so you have even more memories in it than I do. I havent maintained the flowers or anything outside that she tended. I think about her sitting on the porch with me and watching the neighborhood in the evening. How is it after 3 weeks? Does your routine get any easier? I know everyone deals with loss differently, but right now I cant even put into words the pain, I hope that its not as bad in a month. The isolation is hard. I moved to Omaha when we married because of her job, but I never really developed much connection to it. I only know a few people, other than customers from my house painting and handyman business. She had alot of friends from work, but after they txt me their condolences that was it. I know what you mean, my wife didnt deserve this either. I would trade places in a second, I ask why am I still alive and she isn't . I try to get out and walk in the morning because I cant stand the silence.
     
    Kata likes this.
  8. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

    The path your on is almost a mirror image I experienced..
    Im only a month and half since my wife passed and it has gotten somewhat easier for me but just like barry described it is hell..
    That first week and a half for me was a haze.. Im still bot clear headed..

    I pray all the time now it really does help..
    God has helped me through some very rougg days..hes given me my grandbabys to help and my kuds..
    You will find your way ..
    You will have better days but dont do nothing that you feel firced to do ut at your pace.
    You will know when your ready.
    My advise hild onto thoae memories ..yes they bring tears now but at some point you will smile when remebering the good times and even the bad.
    Reconect with your son is great I pray it goes great..
    I kniw my daughter and me.. My youngest..
    Have been cliser now than ever.. We talk all the time abiut everything..
    My 2 boys .. Well they are boys.. We're close but not like my daughter .. I think because she reminds me of my wife and they was really close.
    God bless stay in touch
     
    1163rieh and Kata like this.
  9. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    I'm sorry for your loss also. It hasn't gotten any better yet. The only time I feel any better is when I'm not anywhere near her belongings. I can't even look at any of her clothes in her closet because it just makes me start crying and it's hard to stop. I'm going to try to go to work half days and that should help. It's very difficult when I come home though, she always greeted me when I got home. I'm very glad that I was able to give her a happy life, she was happy, vibrant, and was friendly to everyone. I knew her since she was nine and we were married for 35 years. I'm glad that I have someone to talk to about all of this, it helps me a lot
     
    Kata likes this.
  10. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    I have trouble eating and sleeping too. They are symptoms of my grief.

    Now I’m not suggesting you do this. Here’s what I did with his things. I immediately (I mean the day after the funeral) started getting rid of most of his belongings. Those things weren’t giving me any good memories. Then I did what some Asian cultures do. I made a mini shrine. Usually the shrine is large and requires its own table. My house is too small to do that, so I cleared off the fireplace mantle. I put a little picture of him there and a beautiful little ceramic pot with a little of his ashes. I put two miniature jade lions from his great grandfather’s stint as a surgeon in China. Above the mantel I framed sympathy card words that made me feel better . One said “the ones we lose never really leave us because they’re in our hearts”. It’s not in a place I look at very often so I can choose a time to look at it when I am thinking of him. And it makes me smile, even if it’s through tears.
     
    Barry likes this.
  11. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Dealing with our belongings is painful, like you said. I really want to get rid of everything except a few things she loved, like her jewelry that she wore everyday. I gave her clothes to her sister, and Ill sell the furniture at the auction later this fall. I know life has to continue and I have to make a new reality. I have a shrine too, with her urn, jewelry, and pictures. I talk to her every time I walk by it. Maybe its strange to talk to it, but everyone deals with loss differently. Sometimes I ask if she's with her mom, if she's happy, and tell her I miss her. I still cry a lot, but I can usually carry on a conversation with someone if its something that needs to be done with bills, etc. Last week I could barely do that. People probably thought I was weak, as a man Im not expected to show so much emotion.
     
    Kata likes this.
  12. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    Asian people put food and other offerings on their minishrine, sometimes every day. They truly believe they are interacting with their departed loved ones.

    And that thing about guys being less emotional. I met men whose dying wife had forced him to go to a support group. He had severe clinical depression but had no idea it was related the sadness he was so out of touch with.

    Unlike most women, I have problems with showing the emotions I feel. When I discovered my husband’s dead body I cried for a minute or so, then went about my business(calling the funeral home, etc.). My husband used to cry everyday once he was told he didn’t have long to live. He was being authentic. I was not. I’ve gotten better at crying when I’m sad since my husband died, but there are still times when I’m out of touch. And those emotions have to go somewhere. I internalize them and they manifest in physical symptoms (increased insomnia, decrease in appetite, headaches, etc.). It may sound funny, but I feel kinda proud of myself when I cry because I’m one step closer to my true self, a healthier self.
     
  13. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    My wife followed the Buddha tradition. Our entire house is like a shrine. She loved the asian culture and there's statues, wall hangings, pictures, hanging trinkets, everything is so lovely. She has waterfalls with lights, our bedroom is so beautiful with all of this. I just can't and don't want to change anything, she loved this so much. She has Japanese miniature trees, spinning wheels, it's unbelieveable how much effort she put into all of this. This is so hard to deal with. It would hurt me more to move or change anything.
     
    Barry and Kata like this.
  14. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    I turn on her waterfall in the bedroom and light inscence that she used to use to fall asleep at night.
     
    Kata likes this.
  15. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    She has Katana mats on the big front porch where she used to meditate. Sometimes I sleep there.
     
    Kata likes this.
  16. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    Maybe it will get easier over time to change or move anything, I don't know
     
    Barry and Kata like this.
  17. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    But for now, It would kill me to to change anything.
     
    Kata and Barry like this.
  18. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    You’re feelings are touching, and right for you. I think intuition will tell the timing of what stays and goes. Maybe it never goes. That sounds okay too.
     
    Barry likes this.
  19. Talos25

    Talos25 Member

    Thank you for the kind thoughts and understanding.
     
    Kata likes this.
  20. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    For me, at 9 1/2 months, I've gotten rid of very few things. I tried her clothes once but broke down and cried for an hour. My oldest daughter said she would do it for me but as of yet she hasn't. I also organized a shrine with her ashes, cards, cell phone, jewelry she used to wear every day, candles, books she liked to read, her sewing machine, etc. I talk to her there a lot too. Ask her what I should do about problems and I can hear her answer in my head because I'm pretty sure I already know what she'd say. People say it would help to get her things out of the house but I'm not ready yet. Don't think I ever will and I'm ok with that. I talk to her through those things every day and she's always in my heart and head. Where I'm at, I'm ok with that.
     
    Kata likes this.