Lost my wife - struggling with grief

I doubt you are going crazy! I'm sure thinking about your wife having feelings toward others is a challenge given what you are going through. As you identify here, this is likely some mental "smokes and screens" to divert you from the pain. I can only say that it's important that you be easy on yourself, allow your thoughts and feelings to be what they are, and know that just as everything in life does, these will come and go. Know that any thoughts or feelings of "jealousy" do not detract from the great love you shared with your wife.

 

You are not alone, my friend. And, you are not going crazy. The weekend after my husband died, his nephew and I were going through some old photos. There were some photos of Michael and an old girlfriend, and Michael and his first wife.
We were high school sweethearts, went on to live our lives, both married and divorced, and got back together in our early 40s. When Michael was alive, I didn’t have a doubt about our love and our relationship. We truly felt blessed to have each other again, and really learned how to put each other and our marriage first. He had my back like nobody else ever had. And I had his. After he died, I couldn’t remember if he loved me or not - he wasn’t there to tell me everyday, every time we talked, like he did when he was here. After I saw the photos, I wondered if he really loved me and if he loved them more, or different, or missed them, the list of doubts goes on. I believe this is the trauma of losing your love and the emotional turmoil that your mind and body go through. I had to make a conscious effort to remember the reality of our day to day life. Our choice to be together, all of the good things we did for each other, how secure we felt with each other. I have had many people tell me that they wished they had what we had. I won’t tell you what to do or think, but try not to let her teenage life hold more importance than the 25 beautiful years you had. She chose to be with and stay with you. Praying for peace for all of us.
PS His nephew told me to throw all of the photos away and that no one mattered as much as me.

 

I lost my wife of 19 years in July of last year. Its been the hardest thing I've experienced. You mentioned about how brutal it is going through your wife's things. I have not even touched my wife's stuff. It's just going to be too hard and I tear up at the thought of it. So all her stuff is as she had left it the day she passed. She passed suddenly from a heart attack. I know one day I'll need to sort out her stuff and go through things but its just too tough. I can certainly relate.

 

Yes! I understand completely. Everywhere I look I see my husband. I got off the red bus the other day and looked across the parking lot. I flashed back to the time I got off the same bus and Don was being put in an ambulance. I ran crying. He's in the apartment, in the halls of the building, in my head, in my heart. It is so hard!

 

My name is Erick I’m new here I lost my feb 5 after she battled aml leukemia for 15 months she was 40 years old .We were together for 16 years two kids 11 and 13 yrs.I understand how you feel because I feel the same way I feel lost without her I know a have to continue on raising my kids because they depend on me .I question everything in life and believe in nothing I’ve lost faith trust and believe at this stage of my life .The love for my kids and her is what gives me the strength to push forward .Our home feels empty everything in there was decorated by her . Everyday gets harder not easier I’m continuing to keep our kids in there every day routine .I don’t understand a lot of things in life and will never so many questions .