Lost my wife and soulmate 1 week ago

I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been such a shock. After talking to people I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter if the loss is expected or unexpected, dealing with grief is hard. Just remember the next few months will not be smooth. Dealing with grief is such an up and down process. Since posting my feelings and thoughts I have started to feel better, the emotions don't feel so raw. Be kind to yourself.

 

Hi, I am here because I lost my husband to cancer on 23rd Oct this year just under two months from being diagnosed.I thought I was doing ok, I thought I was coping....but today I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. This grief thing is just too much to deal with, I am broken, and at this moment I really cannot see my life being filled with joy ever again.
My husband and I were married for 17 years, together for 20, it was a second marriage for both of us. We had no children of our own but I had my son and my husband had three children, over the years we had become proud grandparents to 14 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren, life was good. My husband died, and everything fell apart,blood is thicker than water as they say, I now know this to be true.The result of communication breakdown and a few cross words on my part and I have lost not only my darling husband, but two of his children and my grandchildren from them. I pray this is not a permanent state of affairs, but waiting to find out is tearing me apart.

 

Sorry for your loss. 20 years is a long time and grandchildren/great grandchildren do become part of your life even if they are from different marriages. I don't know the specifics as to the relationship with his children before your husbands death, but I've seen this happen time and time again. Seems some children just resent mom/dad having another relationship. The longer these things fester the harder they become to repair (if even possible). I've always bit the bullet and put aside my "luggage" for the sake of ongoing relationships - yea I know, easier said then done. Your communication breakdown may have nothing to do with this. As I stated earlier, this could have been festering for a long time. Me personally, I would want a relationship with the grandchildren/great grandchildren. When you feel up to the challenge, reach out to these kids and explain your emotions at the time. A simple apology may reestablish communications. Everyone needs to understand that the emotions grieving brings out in you is unbelievable. Heck, I find myself yelling at a lot of things. If they refuse to at least communicate, I would assume their feelings go well beyond your "cross words". I just think it is at least worth a try.

 

Thank you for your reply. I Think the suddenness of my husbands illness and subsequent demise has left us all reeling. The communication problems stemmed from grief I know this and I can acknowledge this, but it seems like his two elder children can’t or don’t want to accept this.They are 43 and 41 by the way...The problems started because as his wife I assumed it was my task if you like to organise the funeral arrangements, I just went on to auto pilot, it was my way of dealing with things if you like, plus I think I was driven by instinct to protect the kids by taking the load off them. Unfortunately my actions were not seen in that way, but when I tried to speak to them they would not / could not speak to me about the arrangements instead they hid behind text messages, which was frustrating for me as I was trying to sort out the funeral arrangements at a time when really it was the last thing I wanted to be doing. I tried to reach out to them more than once only to be met by silence, or an inappropriate text, which led me to flip in frustration giving rise to a few harsh words.This is the ammunition they are now using to punish me. I have apologised, I’ve tried to explain myself at length , unfortunately all by text messages as I have not been afforded verbal contact...but nothing.Today I caved in, the pain of loosing my husband and the perceptive loss of my family was too much...and I wanted to end it all, I managed to call my youngest stepdaughter for help, she came and comforted me and stayed until she felt I was safe.....I feel drained....I hope this is the bottom of the pit and that I can now start the long climb out.

 

I am so so sorry for your loss. Please know that people all react differently to grief. No two people will grief the same. They are hurting as you are. Let it all calm down. Don’t let their actions be an anchor to you. Don’t own their actions. Don’t let their actions hurt you. Be strong and at this point in time take care of you. Yes grief is selfish. Grief is always I chartered territory. Take it one day at a time. Breathe in and out and know you are brave, you are strong, and this too shall pass.

 

Jeff. I am living your life. I lost my husband oct 9th from complications from kidney disease. We had so many plans, and now they are gone.
The holidays have really sucked the life out of me. I miss him more each day and the worst thought I’d im beginning s new year by myself.
He was my everything, my best friend, and soulmate. I found this site and trying to see if it fits fit me too. I did make an appointment today to see s grief counselor. Everyone says I should too. Lol
Hope you find support here.

 

You are doing fine , thank you for replying and I’m so sorry for you. I was going over the last time he was home and all the things I said I know I hugged him so hard that morning and loved on him. Your right , it doesn’t seem real.

 

Hi Jeff, I went through a somewhat similar situation with my husband. He had an undiagnosed neurological disorder similar to ALS, and he finally lost his battle in October. He was only 41, and I am 38. We were together for only 7 years, and I will never understand why couldn't have more time. The last few weeks before his passing were excruciating as we checked into Hospice and waited for the moment to come. It had been a long time coming, and we both knew it was inevitable, but that certainly didn't make it any easier. I knew when I married him that this outcome was a possibility as he was already disabled when we met, but he was too sweet and wonderful and perfect, and that is all that mattered.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I won't for now. Just wanted to let you know that I get it and would love to chat and share more if you're interested. I think our stories just might have a lot in common.

 

Same here

 

I

 

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m in a similar situation. He died 3 weeks ago this morning.

 

jeff I recently lost my wife also,and you are thinking in the right direction. My situation was much different and you will find a path that you and you alone will go on.
Finding those with similar circumstances may be helpful however each of us have experienced a loss of spouse way to young my wife was 43 as I am 46. When I went to a support group I was by far the youngest and that really hit bad. There is no short cuts I have moments were I am at peace then others where Iam broken down. Hang in there you are not alone!

 

Hello Jeff I just lost my spouse 3 weeks ago to very similar things, I am sorry for your lost. Hope to hear from you if you need to talk