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Lost My Wife And Now Falling Apart Again

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by GaryM, Nov 13, 2020.

  1. GaryM

    GaryM Member

    My Wife and I got the keys to our brand new house on Valentines Day. We moved in on 28th February. It was a rushed move as my Father was seriously ill in hospital and had then also got a blood clot in his lung and we were worried we would lose him. My Father had helped us get our new home. My Wife and I were enjoying our new home and hospital visits were better as Dad was improving.

    However both my Wife and I were concern about the Pandemic in Scotland where we lived but also concerned about Philippines where our children and their families live. Although this was an exciting time in our lives and new start for my Wife and I after 5 years living in Spain, 5 years living in Philippines and now after 2 years living in Scotland and now a new home we were both worried about the pandemic covid 19.

    Things got worst and the news more and more alarming. The deaths around the world especially in Spain and UK were making us sad. On 23rd March Scotland like the rest of UK went into full lockdown. My Wife was very worried about our children. During that week I tried to keep my Wife calm and we agreed to not watch as much news and try enjoy the house as we were order to stay home. We were both still worried but both feeling a bit better.

    On 30th March I woke to a bang I ran through the house and found my Wife collapsed on the kitchen floor I phoned for an ambulance and nursed her till the paramedics arrived but then they would not let me go with her in the ambulance or follow in our car. I was not allowed to go to the hospital because of covid 19. I phoned the hospital many times but only got through a few times. They suspected a clot on her lung and later confirmed it was significant clots on both lungs. The hospital told me my Wife tested negative for covid 19.

    Over the next 2 days the hospital told me she was getting better and it was positive news that everything was going in the right direction. I even got to speak to my Wife but her breathing was bad and it was difficult for her to try to talk and I could not hear all she said on that very short call. I managed to tell her how much I loved her. I had all family send messages of love and support to her phone that the nurses were showing her as it was all any of us could do.

    I got a phone call early morning 2nd April about 1.45 am asking me to come to the hospital right away that the doctors said it was ok to do so. I asked what was wrong but they could not say. When I got there I was asked to wait in a room 20-30 minutes later a doctor and nurse entered the room to tell me my Wife had a heart attack they brought her back but she went into cardiac arrest had a massive heart attack and died. The cause was PE pulmonary embolism. I was devasted, I asked how this happen when my Wife was never ever sick except getting a cold now and then. The doctor told me somtimes this just happens and they don't know why.

    After seeing her in the hospital, at viewing at funeral home and then the funeral which could only have our priest, my parents (my Dad in wheelchair) and myself attend and broadcast to Philippines.
    I suffered traumatic grief. I had flashbacks all the time, nightmares and suddenly breakdowns sobbing whaling uncontrollably for long periods. I was devastated losing my Wife and the pain never ends. I fell apart for months with only my 74 year old mother for support. By July I toughened up a bit. I didn't move on I don't think you can and don't like people saying that. I will never get over losing my Wife. In July I took my first steps to moving forward.

    End of September I got a new job working from home for one of the top 100 companies to work for and I was doing alright until last weekend. Last Sunday was our Wedding Anniversary 8th November and suddenly I broke down again and it happen several times this week at work. I am back to sudden uncontrollable crying and feeling the overwelming loss again and even having a few flashbacks.

    My work have been very understanding a gave me a day annual leave so I could have a long weekend and try get some support and a young woman from HR found me some support sites to try and this is one of them. I guess I am looking to others that have experienced sudden loss and PE that I talk with and find out how to cope.


    Thank you to anyone I can talk to and share
     
  2. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. Sending you hugs and prayers. Your wife will always be with you. Love to you. Just do the next thing, one step at a time.
     
    Magic + Maggie and GaryM like this.
  3. GaryM

    GaryM Member

    Thank you and thank you for your prayers.
    I was taking small steps foward and manage to get a new job but when our wedding anniversary came around I lost control again. I have still not got to the stage of being able to look at her pictures one or two photos and I cry. I have been looking at photos of our Grandson to help me through this time as I know I have responsibility to him to give double the love...when I finally meet him.

    Thank you for your support. God bless
     
  4. Jrae61

    Jrae61 Member

    My husband died in October. Our anniversary was days before that. So What really got me was when I went to the drug store to get cards and I saw, For my wife on our anniversary. I thought, I will never get a card from him again, saying those simple words. I broke down crying right there. I think those are the things that come to me suddenly and hurt. I only have a few pictures up but I keep a journal with his picture. I found that kissing my hand and putting it on the picture and smiling has really helped me. I decided yesterday to not think about myself or him for a day and I went out and bought small holiday gifts. I decided maybe it I give I will feel better. I invited two people to dinner too. Both who have lost others and we watched a light weight movie together. It helped.
    On the journey too.
     
  5. JanettaJoS

    JanettaJoS New Member

    Hi there, I did actually lose my Fiancee (partner of 8 years) to PE and clot in his RV (all caused by Covid) on October 30th, age 43. I am still in shock and some days like today I physically feel pain in my chest because he was my person, my daily person, the one I always turned to. And though I have a wonderful support system it is not the same. I feel alone all of the time, broken, hollow, a bit lost. I go through steps everyday, pretend I am engaged at work. We have 3 teenage boys that are now trying to take care of me, and still grieve the loss of their father/stepfather. Im 42 years old. I feel so so alone, and I hate to say but I feel like I keep asking why right now, what is the point of going through life when you are alone and there is nothing to look forward to. I am not suicidal, I would never do that to my children, its as if I go through life numb, I want to cry, I want to scream, but even that seems like too much effort every day. He was a critical care paramedic and I am a critical care nurse and I couldn't save him, the most important patient of my life and he couldn't be saved.
     
  6. GaryM

    GaryM Member

    Thank you for sharing. I have big pictures of my Wife throughout the house. Each day I give thanks and gratitude for everything we have together and the 12 wonderful years. I thank her for the amazing person she was and for all the happiness and joy she brought me, all the deep love and understanding and for being my best friend and making my life complete. I do this every morning as I put on my wedding ring. It helps me start the day and go to work. I still talk to her at different points in the day and like to think sometimes she hears me...I don't care if that sounds crazy it is another way I cope. It is now in the 9th month since I lost her that pain never gets easier and sometimes there are triggers and I lose control again and find it very hard alone in this house. I feel I have really stayed in lockdown since March. Our wedding anniversary in November was a trigger was difficult again. I am worried about the holidays as we both loved Christmas time together so much and often travelled together from November through festive period and stayed in lots of nice places and have so many memories of that and our home together during the holidays. This will be the first year I will be alone and as you said that feeling of not getting a card from her and knowing I no longer will it the first spark to a lot of difficult feelings. I am glad you have found company and that it helps you. I am lucky to have my parents visit on Christmas day.
    God bless you...peace, love n light.
     
  7. Jrae61

    Jrae61 Member

    Gary M, I have a journal and write to him. I found him right outside my back door. Sudden death...I am still quite shocked and just recently began to realize he is not coming back ever. I was screaming and I mean screaming for God not to take him. I asked him to come to me in my dreams. Remarkably, he has been in my dreams a few times. It does not help except he gave me advice in two dreams. I wish everyone's spouses came to visit in our dreams. I know this sounds very strange. Your story is so upsetting. I have known a 3 of people in my age group that dies of blood clots this summer. With so many people dying of Covid, here in the US, I realize how they are suffering. I was able to hold him in my arms. I had just retired so we could travel. The calendar had our next two travels listed. I had to take it down. I guess the journey is a long one. I am grateful there are so many people here who understand this sad new world I find myself in.
    JoAnn
     
  8. GaryM

    GaryM Member

    I am so very sorry for your loss.
    So many things you have said is the same feelings and thoughts I have had. I am in the 9th month since I lost my Wife and I still feel shock like I am still in shock about it. Joy was always so healthy and fit to wake to find her that way has to this day never made sense. I feel she was just snatched away from me and the Doctors not being able to explain and only say sometimes they just don't why this happens has left me with no real answer why and no closure. They said she tested negative for covid. I still remember her phone call from the hospital she was so excited to tell me that and only call that she sounded herself as the only few calls she could make from hospital she was always struggling to breathe and it was difficult to hear her. The way she sounded with news of negative test I thought she'd be home soon.
    I searched for answers after losing her and found connection with Covid and PE. It would have been easier to understand what happened if it was that but the hospital said it wasn't. I don't know how or why and I never will understand what happened to my beautiful wife. I too feel so alone and many times what is the point of anything and feel I just exist and just go through motions at work like autopilot. I am glad you have a good support system but still understand feeling hollow and lost. Unfortunately I don't have support until now...now I am trying to get some help and HR lady at work is trying to help she told me about this place. I hoped to be able to talk with someone who understood the sudden loss by PE and desperate struggle to come to terms with it and find a way to cope.
    I don't know if I can be of any help to you but I am here if you wanna talk if it helps. What I have realised reaching out is that feeling of it's only happening to you changes as you learn it's not. I feel guilty every day that I could not save my Wife. I don't know what else I could have done but I punish myself daily I think because they would not let me go in the ambulance and they would not let me go to hospital..it make me blame myself I wasn't there for her when she needed me most.
     
  9. Jrae61

    Jrae61 Member

    I racked my brain thinking what did I miss? It almost feels like I was blinded for a time. When I look back, I see many times when I asked things like how are you today? Really everyday. But if our spouses have nothing to tell us or want to tell us, then we are blind to what is happening. Even doctors could not help them. My husband lived only 4 days after seeing his physician. (Okay American health care is pretty poor now) 4 days. If they miss it how can we save them. I know my husband had plans for living so he did not know either.
     
  10. Jrae61

    Jrae61 Member

    JanettaJoS
    Each morning I wake up depressed. Then I think. I am depressed. I learned to say to myself, oh no you are not depressed, get up. If I have hard days I write to him in my David journal. In the beginning, I wrote to him every day. Now 9 weeks in, I am writing less but I think winter coming and a snow storm tomorrow, I have to find all the shut off valves so the pipes do not work and learn how to work a snow blower and generator by tonight. I have to take his place for today.
    My cousin called me and said, Don't go down the rabbit hole Jo, or you may not come back out. You have a lot to give. I have to think of that every day and not freeze in place. Bursting out in tears....in public...well I can not care....there are so many people, like you, who have lost their loved ones to Covid that I feel I am in a community of grievers who though we do not know them, are with us. I wrote about thinking I could have saved my husband too but I came to grips with that recently. If it was possible he would be here. Forty three is so young. I cannot imagine the shock of that. My husband was 66 and I thought that too young.
    I had that pain in my chest. Ot got very bad. It was a heart attack due to stress from finding and losing him. So, I hope you will be okay.
    QUOTE="JanettaJoS, post: 15653, member: 20265"]Hi there, I did actually lose my Fiancee (partner of 8 years) to PE and clot in his RV (all caused by Covid) on October 30th, age 43. I am still in shock and some days like today I physically feel pain in my chest because he was my person, my daily person, the one I always turned to. And though I have a wonderful support system it is not the same. I feel alone all of the time, broken, hollow, a bit lost. I go through steps everyday, pretend I am engaged at work. We have 3 teenage boys that are now trying to take care of me, and still grieve the loss of their father/stepfather. Im 42 years old. I feel so so alone, and I hate to say but I feel like I keep asking why right now, what is the point of going through life when you are alone and there is nothing to look forward to. I am not suicidal, I would never do that to my children, its as if I go through life numb, I want to cry, I want to scream, but even that seems like too much effort every day. He was a critical care paramedic and I am a critical care nurse and I couldn't save him, the most important patient of my life and he couldn't be saved.[/QUOTE]