Lost my sweet Mamma suddenly right before Christmas

hi- My name is Vincent. I lost my sweet mamma Dec. 15, 2020 right before Christmas and 5 days before my birthday on the 20th of Dec. I'm 55 never married- sometimes I think it makes it harder because I don't have a significant other to help me deal with the loss. My Mom was 85 and she passed so suddenly. I think she was sick but she didn't talk about it and she never complained. The day before she passed she acted liked she had a bad cold and was just sitting around. I thought it would pass. The next morning (Tuesday 15) we couldn't wake her up. She seemed to be going into a diabetic coma. My brother woke me up and I checked on her and i called 911. The EMT guys came and revived her gave her dextrose and glucose and she seemed to be alert and OK. A few hours later she was up and eating and sitting in her easy chair in the den. My Dad asked her to come with us. She said no- to bring her some baggies and a fish sandwich. She was working on some gifts for people at church. (My Dad is the pastor at 89- Mom ran most of the programs at church and taught Sunday School.) So we left and went to Wal Mart to get what Mom wanted and then we went to McDonald's through the drive through and brought a sandwich back. We can in and found her dead. Her head was up against the oil heater on the floor next to the stop where she sat. We had a hard time trying to move her. Put her back in her seat and called 911. She was not breathing- the lady dispatcher told me how to give her CPR. By that time my bother came home from work. He said he had tried to call her and she didn't answer so he left and came straight home. Both of us worked on Mom till the EMT guys came. They came and worked on her for quite ad while and then they ushered us out of the room. They then came out and told us they did everything they could but she was gone. Such a sudden and unexpected way to go! I felt like I was traumatized having to do CPR on my Mom- I've never done CPR on anyone much less someone close to me and then it didn't work anyway! I still see her lying there sometimes and recall what I had to do and it really hurts.

We had the funeral that Saturday. It was a nice service- Dad was going to eulogize Mom- I said no! We will ask a local pastor who knew Mom well to do it. I couldn't get up and speak without crying and I didn't think he could do it either. The next day was Sunday and he wanted to preach. I let him- I was shocked he was able to make it through. I do the music- we use cds since we don't have a pianist and sing in the choir. My Dad was groaning and in pain the whole next week- I was grieving in my own way and I still am. Dad planned to continue to preach regardless. The following Sunday he tried to preach but almost fell out in the floor. I called 911. The EMT guys said he was dehydrated and overcome. Yes overcome with grief. They took him to the hospital and made him stay overnight- which he hated! They wouldn't even let me or my brother come to see him until we were allowed to pick him up! We got him home and the next day the doctor from the Emergency room called and said he tested positive for Covid so we were all quarantined for the next 10 days! What a nightmare- lost my Mom then stuck at home right after Christmas for 10 days. None of us got sick. My Dad is doing much better now he is eating and drinking. My brother had to take the COVID test at Med Express before he was allowed to go back to work- they called 2 days later and said he was negative and we went to retrieve his paper work so he could go back to work the next day.

All of us are functioning better I guess. I have been cleaning up the house. She was both a school teacher and a big worker at church- basically did everything at home and at church so she left a huge hole in our hearts and in the church! She ran the Sunday School taught the lady's Sunday School class and many other jobs. Now we are left to pick up the pieces! I am the secretary and treasurer and I do the music and bulletins each week. I took over preaching for my Dad since I do have a seminary degree as well and help my Dad out at least once a month. I may end up taking over completely. My Mom gave people all kinds of presents at Xmas and we've spent the last week trying to get those presents out. Some of our congregation are sick so we have been few in number at church.

I've had a daunting task of cleaning up the house. My Mom was a pack rat and she kept everything. We couldn't even sit down at the dining room table because there was so much stuff stacked up and on the floor and behind the couches in the den. It was a big mess! I have spent this week cleaning and throwing stuff out. I have found tons of Xmas cards from years ago in boxes on the floor stuffed behind the couch- etc. There were a few things I wanted to keep but most of the stuff I threw out. We don't have room for all the stuff. I had a sinus head ache from all the dust flying! I even found cards and envelopes stuck in a closet that were turning yellow! I finally got an area in my Dad's room cleaned out so we can find and keep up with financial stuff. My Mom's desk where she did the bills was stacked high also! Took me 2 days to clean up the mess! My Dad didn't know where anything was- we had to find her check book and important papers. I've been helping Dad with the check book paying bills and set up an online account as well. Mom did everything! It has been tough but getting better now that we can move around the house and find stuff. Mom had not been able to clean for a while since she was unable to get up and down because she had such bad arthritis and weeping leg problem. It is nice to get the house in order and be able to use the dining room table and find all the important papers and what not, but it is so depressing for me to have to go through all this stuff! Dad can't do it so I have been doing it alone! I cried all the night before last- I felt like I was losing Mom for a second time having to throw out so much stuff- I don't think it was really anything important, but the stuff had been lying around so long it just seemed part of the house now and part of her. I collected a whole bunch of pics she collected from past 10 years and put them in folders and put them in the newly cleaned out closet. i can only do so much cleaning per day. I can't handle the pain of going through all this stuff! There are still tons of boxes upstairs in closets, but I doubt i will get around to them anytime soon since they aren't in our way. I know that Mom had boxes of memorabilia from her childhood- that will not happen for a long time yet. I just want the area where we live cleaned up and in order. Stuff that she collected for church i have taken as much as i thought the church could use to church to store. I found VBS cards old bulletins from previous churches my Dad preached at- cards from people we knew and many have died. I have no room to keep all the stuff- so I threw it all out. Perhaps I will feel better once i get the area cleaned and straightened up the way I want it? All I know is that I am depressed and need prayer.