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Lost my soulmate and have no Closure

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Laura Abbey 81820, Dec 23, 2020.

  1. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you for this post. It is so much what I am feeling. These holidays have been so hard without my beloved. He made everything so much fun. Now I am alone even when I am around other people. I spent Christmas day alone, I made a favorite dinner, walked the dog, went to bed early. I woke up the next day and my first thought was 'well, you made it through Christmas.' my second thought was 'what for?' and my emotions crashed for the whole day. I feel like I am grieving wrong because I cannot feel better. Before the holidays, I was doing kind things for others and feeling OK, now that's not working either. I bought a bible and am committing to study. I miss my bub so much, I cannot stand to be without him. Praying for peace of mind. Praying for the OK days.
     
  2. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    Dear JMD,
    You aren't grieving wrong. There are no rules or set ways. Be gentle with yourself. You've suffered a great loss. It takes time to process it. A lot of time.
    It will come in waves. It will hit all at once. It will throw you a good day here and there. But none of it is wrong. Your heart is shattered. You have to feel your way through it.

    Let's keep talking and helping one another through these feelings. And maybe one day soon, we'll find a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I know it is so lonely. I feel it too, as do many others on this site.
    But we are not alone. We have one another to support and lean on.

    Better days have to be coming. It'll be good to have these holidays put away soon. One day we may even smile and laugh a real laugh.

    Take care!
     
    Journeywoman and JMD like this.
  3. BC59

    BC59 Member

    I was wondering if anybody has tried and found useful the use of a licensed therapist who specializes in grief. I find this website useful, but I'm still struggling day to day, sometimes hour to hour. Yes, the comments here help, and I'm sure time will heal eventually (at least to some degree), but I'm desperate for some immediate help and am curious what people think about the use of licensed therapists or the like for these situations.
     
    Cyanotype likes this.
  4. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    Therapy is good. It supports you and what you are feeling. A way to get closer to yourself.
     
    Enderly130 likes this.
  5. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    I agree, therapy is good.
    My husband was in hospice at the end so a grief counselor was provided for family that was interested.
    I have been using it all along. It helps immensely.
    They know and can explain things we are going through. It is very helpful to know that our feelings aren't considered crazy.
    They help in ways with grounding and such, usually used for anxiety and flashbacks.
    My flashbacks from my son in law's accident are horrible.
    So yes, therapy has helped me. I hope you can find a one too.
     
    BC59 likes this.
  6. BC59

    BC59 Member

    My wife died suddenly (heart attack), so I had no time to even start the grieving process "beforehand", much less have access to any professional of any type. I guess I will go online and start looking. There are certainly resources out there, but it's not like you can ask a friend for a recommendation like you might for a dentist.
    Not sure if I'm even ready for this (it's been less than 6 weeks) but I gotta try something. Because of COVID I won't even consider seeing someone in person right now, but a teleconference meeting might be worth a try.
     
  7. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    I googled grief counselors near me, because my counseling with hospice will end in January.
    All sessions are by phone or on zoom.
     
  8. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I do have a grief counselor that I see weekly. She is still offering in-person visits and we are meticulous with COVID precautions. It has helped tremendously. There are sometimes when I get ‘stuck’ on something, and talking it through most always helps me to process and move a step forward. What I have come to accept is that this grief process is a slow one, nothing makes it go away completely, I am adapting, not ‘recovering’ or ‘getting over’ it. The hardest journey I have ever been on. Will say a prayer for you.
     
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  9. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    Grief has its own timeline
     
    Enderly130 likes this.
  10. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    I find Holidays are difficult. The memories come flooding in.....so much sadness
     
  11. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am struggling with New Years Eve in particular - the year will change to 2021, and although most of the world is anxious to say goodbye to 2020, for me it was the last year that Michael was with me. Thinking about this is bringing terrible waves of sadness. I miss him so. We were not celebrators of the new year holiday, and rarely stayed up til midnight, but when we woke up on New Year’s Day, he loved to be the first one to say ‘happy new year!’ So many quirks that I miss - just to make me happy and have some fun. Saying prayers for peace and strength until I see him again.
     
    Cyanotype likes this.
  12. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    The sadness comes up ...it hurts and then I am quiet again sitting in the present. The big challenge is to stay in the present. The memories do come into the present but their origin is of the past. The past has all the sadness and pain.....the present holds NOW which is unknown and fresh......
     
  13. BC59

    BC59 Member

    It’s been six weeks now since I lost my wife, and I’m starting to think my biggest problem (above and beyond the unbearable grief) is anxiety about living alone and what looks like a very lousy future. I feel it physically in my stomach and it has resulted in a complete loss of appetite. Anyone else have this type of reaction? Any suggestions? Valium helps but is not a long term solution.
     
  14. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

     
  15. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    Start to write down your feelings... let yourself cry......let yourself feel.... find a counselor to talk too....benefit from this group... accept support
     
  16.  
  17. Thank you for your kind words. It has been a month now since my Toney has been gone. That was an extremely hard day. Even yesterday. Just waves of emotions come over me. I cried at the dollar store for no reason. I always believed that I would see my loved ones again in heaven. But now I question it. Because why would God finally give me the love I wanted and deserved and take it away from me in such a short time. I am not a strong person. Does this hurt really diminish??
     
    JMD likes this.
  18. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your pain - you are at the beginning of a very difficult and long journey that you do not want to take. I have to believe that I will see Michael again in heaven. I have asked God the same question - why did I finally get the love I longed for, and why was he taken so from me so soon? I have had difficulty connecting with God since Michael's passing. At first, just overwhelmed with emotion and unable to focus. Then angry and asking why - there is no answer to that question that would be satisfactory, and I cannot change the reality of what happened. As I accept that over time, talking to God and asking for peace and guidance has gotten a little easier. I try to visualize Michael in heaven, in God's arms, safe and not afraid or suffering. I say good morning to both of them everyday, Michael first, and then get on with it. It's all I can do. As time goes on, friends and family fade away and I find that praying and reading scripture is going to be my support. I am also looking for a live support group that I can attend. I will add you to my prayers and hope for your strength and peace of mind.
     
    Enderly130 likes this.
  19. BC59

    BC59 Member

    Enderly, your comments are helpful, giving me hope for better times ahead. But I also realize the hurt will never fully go away, and my struggle now is just to find ways to deal with the emotional pain. I must admit, I am probably not doing the right thing: I am avoiding thinking about the past and all the good times we had together, and avoiding thinking about the future without her (that part is even harder to do). These thoughts make me very sad. Instead I try to distract my mind: watch tv, pay bills, organize the closet, etc. Some of our couples friends have been reaching out and being very supportive, but being around them "alone" is hard right now.
     
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  20. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    BC59,
    I think doing whatever helps you is the right thing. There are no rules. We just try to heal the best way we can.

    I wish I was one who could use distraction and activity. It always backfires on me. I cry through it, sometimes make a bigger mess than started with, and end up being overwhelmed.
    I have to consciously work on this.

    I'm on an emotional roller-coaster at present. I have been a mess since new years eve. It feels fresh, new and very painful.

    I try to just get through a few hours at a time right now.
     
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