Lost my soul mate.

Discussion in 'LGBT Loss' started by xuniowlx, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. MayT

    MayT Member

    I am appreciating her role in our partnership even more. The nitty gritty of life, roles that I used to take for granted because I left it up to her, I have to do for our family now. She was master of the household while I did the outdoor stuff and heavy lifting. I get lost with even small things like doing groceries. How do I even choose the right cut of meat? Imagine, at 58 years...
     
  2. xuniowlx

    xuniowlx Member

    Yeh, I completely get that. It took me a while to get my head around the thing she did and I never took much to do with.
     
  3. MayT

    MayT Member

    There is also regret for time lost. She just retired this October. I used to tell her after I retire in 2 years we would travel and see the world together. She did not even get to enjoy her retirement. It makes me angry to think about it.
     
  4. xuniowlx

    xuniowlx Member

    I know it's hard, but don't be angry about it. No one can plan these things. It's someone outside of your control, I know it's hard to not think about it, they wouldn't want to to have regrets.
     
  5. MayT

    MayT Member

    In your first post you mentioned hurting yourself. I am there now. It makes the pain of losing her more bearable. A few weeks before she passed and just after being discharged from the hospital. She sat me down for a heart to heart talk. She said I should be strong and make a life for myself when she is gone. I got angry then and told her to focus on getting well instead. She is gone and I am still angry she left so soon. The pain of missing her is a sharp physical pain. I can't breathe. Even alcohol does not help. But a sharp smack pulls me out of that pain of missing her for a few seconds. She would be sad that I cannot be strong like she asked me to be but I cannot bear it. The happy face I put up in front of others takes so much energy. When I get home I just sit in this dark bedroom and drink and hurt myself. Maybe it gets better as time passes but not yet now
     
  6. xuniowlx

    xuniowlx Member

    I did, I chose a way I thought I could control my pain and anger, but that wasn't a healthy way to do it. Lossing my partner was the hardest thing I've went through, each day still hurts, but I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, hurt, she knew how much I love her, and how I will make her proud. I am living for her, doing as many of the things we talked about. I am still learning to not associate the pain I felt with the love I have for her.