Grief Self-Study Now Available! Visit Online Support section for more information

Lost my sister and my best friend.

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by GoldenEagle95, Jan 12, 2021 at 2:01 PM.

  1. GoldenEagle95

    GoldenEagle95 New Member

    My little sister (and only sibling) died December 18, 2019 at age 34, unexpectedly, alone in her bed in her sad little apartment with only her cat and a stuffed animal. The coroner report says complications of hypertensive disease, but it was all related to alcohol abuse, daily for years. I had left to move across the country to Las Vegas and she had to move out of my house here, and I was hoping it might inspire her to get her life back on track, but all I did was make it that much worse for her. I was in the process of moving back when it happened. All I do is think about what more I could have done, what I did wrong, and about her last moments...what happened, did she know, did it hurt, was she scared? It's been over a year, but I wear her cremation necklace every day. I put her old bedroom back together just as it was when she lived with me, except with her ashes, which I talk to every day. I still send Facebook Messenger messages to her anytime I run across something I know she would have appreciated. That was my best friend, the person I could talk to, the person who understood me most (if anyone does at all). And now, I'm lost, I'm still lost. I don't have many other friends, and honestly I just feel broken and alone. Anyone else going through the same?
     
  2. lizanns

    lizanns New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss and I can relate. I lost my brother, my only sibling as well, in July. He was 25 (I'm 32). He still lived with my parents and was working from home since the pandemic started. My mom was also working from home that day, and after he hadn't come down at all (which wasn't completely out of the ordinary) she found him dead in his bed. It was a very traumatic experience for my parents and I, especially my mom having to find him. I watched as the paramedics brought him down the stairs and tried to get his heart to start again on the front lawn. They had been working for over an hour. I argued with the cop as he told me I wasn't allowed to watch but all I wanted to do was see my brother, I didn't care what state he was in, I just needed to see him. I couldnt believe this was happening, I kept pacing and asking what was even happening and how is this real and I couldn't breathe. I held onto hope that when we got to the hospital, they would make everything ok and he would be ok. When we got to the hospital, that wasn't the case obviously. They took us into a room to tell us the cliche "we did all we could." They asked if we'd like to see him and walked us back through the ER to a room with a table set up in front of it with refreshments on it. I have so many questions about that table- is it specifically for families brought in to hang out with their recently dead loved ones? Because it's not usually there. Do they have a special box they keep the refreshments? Who think grieving families actually want to eat while they see their newly dead loved ones? We walked into the room and my brother was there in the middle, his skin gray and cool. I wondered if they had bathed him, because when you die, the things that follow aren't so pretty. All of my questions were now suddenly so pragmatic- and I still ask them every day, research even- how long did it take him to die? Was it instant, was he in pain, did he try to call for help, did he know he was going to die when he went to bed the night before? I hate the thought of him dying alone, unable to get up or call for help, or calling and no one hearing him. I hate that thought of such a beautiful human who lead a beautiful life, always giving his time and energy to help others, dying alone, no one able to help HIM. I hope to god it was instant, but I want to know what the experience was like so bad. I want to talk to him about it. He too was cremated and I wear a necklace of his ashes. I write to him, talk to him, always want to share random things with him. We were so similar, no one will ever understand me like he did, nothing will ever be the same. No one understands the things about our parents that drove us crazy. No one gets my humor. Ugh. I feel you.
     
  3. GoldenEagle95

    GoldenEagle95 New Member

    I completely understand what you mean (looking at my own cremation necklace with ashes now). I send her Facebook messages, I pull out the necklace and talk to her every night before bed (and many other times during the day, every day), just if it's even a look up to the sky in a moment where I feel alone in the universe. And I do feel alone in the universe without her. She knew all our movie quotes. She always had something to send me funny or odd from the news or the internet. She traveled with me, so there are so many places we went that she's the only one I could ever talk to about. It's really more like a part of me died, like I have all these memories which I no longer share with anyone else on earth and don't feel as if anyone would understand. I have dreams sometime where I see her, hear her voice. I've got a ton of photos and videos, many from travels, some not, I look at often. I wish she were here, but then again I'm also glad she didn't have to live through 2020 and beyond, I know she would've suffered. I couldn't imagine having been there when she died. I was in Las Vegas preparing to move back across the country. She basically laid down for a nap and never woke up. Mom called the police to check on her when she wouldn't answer (they live three hours away by car) and they broke down the door and found her. Said it had been hours. I too would love to talk to her, ask her how it happened, what she went through. I know she suffered a lot day to day, she'd been in the hospital several times in the prior year for things related to alcohol (pancreatitis, gastritis, seizures). I worked much of my life in the ER. I can attest we did have a room with couches and a recliner and a telephone specifically for that purpose (we called it the quiet room, but there was no food there). I have been the one who had to deliver that news to people. Many just break down. I envy those people who can just break down and get it all processed and move on. That's definitely not me. It didn't sink in that night, when Mom called and I answered and all she said was, "She's dead." I didn't even know what to say, or do. I haven't since then. Every day just feels like going through the motions, even thirteen months later, especially with this plague and isolation that won't go away. I keep her bedroom here just the way it was when she lived here. Her ashes have their own spot, surrounded by photos and things she loved. Christmas decorations that I don't intend to take down, a Hello Kitty, a penguin, a little Groot toy from Guardians of the Galaxy that she had wrapped under her tree when she died as a Christmas present for me. I go in there every day, if only to say "hey, kid, I miss you and I love you."
     
  4. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly what you are going through. I lost my older sister whom I lived with and was my best friend a little over 1.5 years ago. She was the last of my family and I am alone. I have friends who live in another state where we used to live and am planning on moving back as soon as the pandemic gets better but no one can ever take her place. We went through a lot together and I miss her every day and although I am stronger now she will be forever in my heart and my life will never be the same without her. There are days when I just break down and cry.......so I certainly know how hard it is for you. I wish there was an easy answer on living with such grief but there isn't. We just have to take one day at a time and somehow manage to go on. Wishing you the best and sending you a big hug for support.
     
  5. GoldenEagle95

    GoldenEagle95 New Member

    Thank you, and you too. Every day is tough, especially now in the dead of winter with the pandemic raging out there and all the isolation. I don't have many friends here either, but this is home and I intend to stick it out. Currently not working, which just makes it worse. This house is full of memories (it's the house we lived in since 2009, except for the time I spent in Vegas, but I returned to the same house afterward). The days drag on, and they are lonely, and everywhere I look I am reminded of something of her, every movie that's on, every show, every time I cook (she loved to cook and cooking shows), every time I see her old cat who is now my cat. I'm hanging in there, but it is definitely on a day by day basis.
     
  6. CrackofDawn

    CrackofDawn New Member

    GoldenEagle, I too am sorry for your loss. My story is kinda similar to yours, but more recently.