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Lost my only sibling to suicide last week, and can’t cope :(

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by kdubz, Apr 17, 2020.

  1. kdubz

    kdubz New Member

    My brother and I were only 18 months apart in age. We waited for the school bus together every day, and spent so much time together. Only a grade apart. As young adults, we found a new closeness and respect for each other that we didn’t have as kids. We grew up in a toxic environment. My mom was (is) an alcoholic, and my parents never really had much love for one another. There was a lot of tension and fighting all throughout our childhood. My brother had a harder time coping with everything; he had a temper and suffered crippling depression, especially in high school.
    When I moved out of our house to go to college (my brother didn’t have the patience for school so he chose to not go to a university), things got worse for my family. My mom drank more and more, and each member of my family became more isolated. After I graduated college and moved about 5 hours from home, my parents got divorced. It was really hard on us. It was a tense situation where we felt that we would never be able to be a “family” again.
    The past 2 years navigating between my parents’ bullshit took a huge toll on my brother and I. We lost our childhood home, and a lot of our family friends. I felt hopeless and empty, and I guess he did too.
    Almost 2 weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, I got the call from my dad. It was the worst thing I had ever heard. He was in tears. My dad never cries. He said “Brendan hung himself,” and I immediately froze. I didn’t want to ask. But I had to. My dad confirmed that he was dead. I lost it. I started screaming and crying and begging for it to not be true.
    I had been having such a tough time dealing with my parents that I had been avoiding home entirely for months. I ignored calls from my family because I didn’t want to know about my mom’s drinking, or my dad’s new family, because it made me so anxious. But now I have to live with the guilt of knowing that I wasted my last couple months on earth with my only brother. One of my best friends. I wish I had reached out to him more, tried to check on him, or even just sent him more funny memes. I’m so heartbroken. I am grieving the loss of my parents’ marriage STILL, and now I have to grieve my brother. I don’t know what to do.
    I miss him so much it hurts. Because of COVID, I still haven’t been able to return home to see my parents, or have a funeral for him. It’s making it harder to even move on from the denial stage of grief. It doesn’t feel real. At all. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. It just hurts so so much. No one seems to understand, either.