Lost my one and only

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by JMD, Aug 25, 2020.

  1. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    My husband, the love of my life, died of complications of his treatment for lung cancer. His cancer prognosis was good, he had a severe reaction to one of his medications. He was hospitalized for 18 days and I was with him everyday and every night. He was afraid and I had never seen him afraid of anything before. It was heartbreaking. His hospital care was not that great. I do believe he got good medical treatment but I had to do most of his basic nursing care. I lost him on July 17, and I have been crying and upset everyday since. I am trying to do all the right things, eating, drinking, sleeping, talking with friends and family, keeping up with simple errands. Have a good grief counselor. The empty house has been overwhelming. I can’t imagine being happy again.
     
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss JMD, you're fortunate to have found this site. What you're feeling is normal, it's so early for you. Keep posting your feelings, and read the posts of others on here. You'll see a common theme, trust me. It's hard to imagine being happy again, the one day I realized it was after I come back with a joking reply to something, I couldn't believe it. The early days, weeks and months (9 months for me) will be difficult, take it one day at a time or sometimes just minutes at a time. For instance they call it the five stages of grief, the word "stages" needs to go. I sometimes felt all these things within 10 minutes, you feel as if you've been swept up in a tornado just spinning. The first days and into weeks, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it weren't for my dog, he needed his food and to be let out. I thought I was going to die, and I welcomed it. As time goes by, you start fighting for yourself and it gets better. Your reaching out is you fighting for yourself, it's a good thing. A work of caution, and you'll see this as a theme, as you get better you can be thrown back for a a or week, maybe a birthday or something comes along. Read the "why does it seem like we cry more weeks" thread. My apologizes if I don't have it just right.

    He knows your love by your care. My husband had a long illness, and not to long before his last hospital stay, he thanked me for caring for him. To care is to love.

    You're not alone, and this is a good safe place to post your thoughts. I wish you peace and strength.
     
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  3. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    So sorry you have suffered this loss. I lost the love of my life almost 10 months ago suddenly from a brain anyurism. It sounds to me like your grief counselor is good and helping you stay on a good path. I had a counselor too in the beginning but Covid19 put a stop to that. It's hard when the people around you go back to their lives and you're left alone. No life to go back to because it's been shattered. I know how you feel. The loneliness is setting in and it feels like you can never be happy again. I'm so sorry. I've had this feeling many times but I promise you your grief will get easier to handle as more time goes by. You never know what's in store for you in life so live on and find out. Pray. Prayer is a true and good thing. Get up every day and try to get out of the house often. Going back to work was really good for me. Keeps your mind busy and passes the hours without constantly remembering those last hours, days with our love. At this point don't make any major changes in your life. Go easy on yourself. Grieving of our kind is very hard on you. Peace, love, and happiness will come back into your life. Post your thoughts here often. It's good to talk with people who understand. Peace.
     
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  4. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your post. I am overwhelmed sometimes by the pure power of my grief emotions. My husband and I had a wonderful deep love that I was so sure of when he was here, that everyone tells me they saw, but without him I am experiencing so much self-doubt - did I do enough, was I nice enough, did he forgive me for times I hurt his feelings? I can get stuck there a lot. There are still times I am minutes at a time. I am back at work, which gives me something to focus on, but I also work at the hospital where he died, so emotions get stirred up easily. There are times when I think the grief itself is going to kill me. I hope and pray for the intensity to ease up somewhat. Thanks so much for your kindness.
     
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  5. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your post and I am sorry for your loss also. You are so right, for my friends and family, life has gone on, and for the most part they have faded away. I am still reaching out to them, but sometimes I feel like my emotions are so raw and intense that I am asking more than they can give. I am lucky for my grief counselor, I am able to see her once each week and there is social distancing in place. I am exhausted after those appointments. I do pray a lot also, but there are times when I do not feel like I am making a connection because my emotions are so up and down. That frightens me a bit because I have always seen God at work in my life and I need my faith to get me through. There is a chaplain at my work that has been helpful and has helped me pray. Thanks for your kindness.
     
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  6. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    I am sorry for your loss. There is a lot of good support on here, and I am going through some of the same feelings. I lost my wife 11 days ago, and Im still in a shock state. I feel some frustration towards my wife's medical care, the drs never seemed to listen, no one felt her health was as fragile as I did. I was around her all the time, and I knew that her seizures were serious. But I may be directing some anger at them as a part of my grieving process. It doesnt change the fact that shes gone. Im glad you have a counselor, and dont hesitate to reply.
     
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  7. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    My condolences to you on the loss of your wife. I have tried to keep myself in check with regard to anger about his care and know that's part of grief. My feeling about my husband's medical care was that his doctor's and nurses realized that he was not going to survive and wanted he and I to give up the fight before he was ready to. But never were able to have the conversation with him or us. I am his health care proxy, but he was clear that he did not want to die, he did not want to leave me, and he wanted to fight as long as he had fight left in him. I talked to him and tried to give him permission to go when he was ready, and the conversation just upset him. I felt it was my position to support him in his fight. What was missing was compassion, caring and dignity. Don't second guess yourself if something didn't feel right. I am struggling with the loss, but I feel like it would not be quite as hard if I had had a different experience.
     
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  8. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

     
  9. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    I have found the more I cried the more open my heart was to others......
     
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  10. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Thanks for your condolences. It sounds like you both were really fighting it until the end. I understand what you wrote about the lack of compassion, care and dignity. When my wife was in the hospital last year I felt like I had to look after her myself. I stayed in her room all day for weeks at a time, only leaving to eat or clean up at home. When I would come back, everything was a mess again. She was mentally confused from her seizure and wouldnt stay in her bed. She'd walk around and even fell one time. I felt like the nurses wanted to medicate her so she wasnt so much trouble to them. There were also good nurses who took care of her, but I got angry a few times at how little attention some staff paid as soon as I would leave. The drs were hardly ever there, I was always waiting on them to show up so I could ask questions. Then they'd minimize her seizures in my opinion. She had an old head injury from an accident so I knew it was serious every time she had a seizure.
     
  11. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you. We had the same issues with medications - I always had the feeling it was easier for them if they could sedate him so that they didn't have to deal with us. Maybe I will gain more clarity over time but that's certainly how it feels now. We did have some good nurses and doctors too, and I appreciate all that was done to try to save him, but I think it's the compassion and support that was missing. Sure don't need anything to make this harder now. Keep thinking about your good times even though it is hard right now. I am sure you have many wonderful memories of your life together, as do I, it is just so hard to connect to them in the pain.
     
  12. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Thanks for your reply. Ive been trying to look at the memories of good times without crying like I did at first. Her sister and I spoke on the phone and remembered a few stories that made her laugh. This is how long we were together, I took her to see the movie Home Alone when it first came out around 1990 and my wife laughed the entire time. That was her sense of humor.
     
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  13. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

     
  14. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    I know when I am in the house that we shared I get flooded with memories that trigger my emotions
     
  15. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    When I was taking care of my husband, sometimes I had a snit fit in front of him, sometimes at him. There were weeks when I was wound up so tight with worry that I channeled my worry into anger and frustration over the littlest things. I was in support groups and counseling at the time and they all said that it was best to be yourself.

    I was pretty sure if I didn’t let off steam sometimes I’d make him feel guilty for making me put up a false front. So many things were changing that he couldn’t control. I didn’t want to be one of them.
     
  16. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Since I've been staying with my family in MO, I've been able to function better. I'm not surrounded by my wife's memories like at our house. I felt guilty for a minute today to carry on a normal conversation with my brother, like I don't deserve to stop thinking about losing her even for a second yet. But I know she wouldn't want me to feel like that. It was short lived though. When an old friend came over, I started talking about her again.
     
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  17. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you for this post. There were times when I did not know where I was getting my patience and stamina in caring for my husband. Training maybe - I am a nurse and middle child....but there were also times, thankfully very few, where I was simply mentally and physically exhausted and I said something that I now wish I could take back. Truly I could count those on one hand. I now know that he was anxious or upset about his illness, not complaining or picking. I don’t think either one of us really thought he would die from his complication, but I now believe that he was much more worried about it than he let on. I was still working and he was home alone a lot during his treatment and I am sure he thought about whether he was going to get through a lot. He had too much time alone to think. Some of my worst guilt is around what I didn’t know, what I didn’t think of, and missing opportunities to help him through. I didn’t want him to be scared and I couldn’t prevent it, so I just loved him and loved him more. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. I think he knew that. I have had friends tell me that even if I had been perfect, never ‘had a moment’, done something different, that he would still not be here and that I could not prevent his leaving. I have a lot of guilt over that. Working on it.
     
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  18. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    That’s great that you are functioning better while close to your family. Whatever works best for you is what you should do. I never thought I would be able to come ‘home’ because I didn’t think I would be able to handle being around all of my husbands things, thought it would be too much. Interestingly enough it is where I feel the most safe and secure. I realize I am alone too much, so talk on the phone or get out my errand list. I am learning to accept the times when I am less upset or not 100% focused on him, which as of yet is not that often, but I wrestle with guilt about that too. Hard to navigate all the conflicting feeleings.
     
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  19. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Reaching out - this has been an incredibly long, painful three day weekend. I have cried almost all day yesterday and today. Thoughts and emotions all over the place from missing him to what I did wrong to anger over his illness and poor hospital care. Worst days since he passed away in July. If he was here we would have gone away for the weekend like usual. I made a list of things to do each day and got stuff done but boy, was I in a bad place. Too much alone time and most everyone has faded away. I feel like everything that happened was my fault. The guilt and pain are horrible. I know he would not want me to hurt this bad but I don’t know how to break the spirals. I miss him terribly.
     
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  20. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member