Lost my mother to suicide on 26/2/2019

I dont know where to start this story.
My mother struggled with depression for most of my life time. Several times during my childhood she tried to commit suicide. I have memories of being woken in the middle of the night by my uncle or a family friend to find my mother half comatose being taken to hospital. We would have to then stay with family or friends while she was admitted.
My sister made her first attempt at suicide at the age of 17.
2 years ago they decided to live together. It's been a nightmare since then. With constant fighting and bickering and spite from both of them.
I got tired of it. Sick of the fighting. Sick of hearing about how bad that one is and what this one did now. Each accusing the other of being depressed or aggressive. I didn't know who to believe. I didn't want to take sides. My sister has 2 kids, the youngest just 2 years old. I was afraid to tell my sister to stop and tell my sister to move out. I was afraid to push my sister because I know she's unstable. Instead I told my Mom to stop. I told her to try to understand for the sake of the children. I told my mother that all the fighting will traumatise the children.
My mother was convinced that my sister is not good enough to her kids. She went to the police and made a case of assault against my sister. She told the police that my sister wanted to commit suicide and kill her children. When I got a call from my father explaining to me what happened - I called my mother and I cried and I told her she is doing the wrong thing and I told her the children will be traumatised by all these events. She told me that she was afraid of my sister and that she just wanted to to do what was best for the children. The police were threatening to take the kids and put them in the social system. I was afraid for the children. I kept telling my mother that she cant do this. She wanted to take the kids from my sister. But because she was the accuser in the case the police would not release the kids to her. My brother had to go to the police station and give a statement that my sister did not assault my mother or threaten to harm herself and the kids. My mother went home that night and swallowed a bottle of pills. Because my brother was told by the police that he was not allowed to leave my sister alone with the children, my brother took her and the kids to a hotel for the night and stayed with them. I didn't hear from my mother that night. I was angry with her and didn't try to contact her. I made arrangements with my manager to fly home to go and try to sort out the mess. The next morning I sent her a message to tell her that I was coming home. She never responded. I kept myself busy with travel arrangements and sleep. In the afternoon I got worried and tried to call her. No response. I called my brother. He found her comatose in the house. She was taken to hospital. Before i got on the plane i was told she is in ICU and stable. When I got off the plane I walked out to the arrivals lounge to find my sister and my aunt - to tell me my mom had died that morning while I was on the plane. Her heart had failed. We found a suicide note next to her bed. It said that she was sorry and that she never meant to traumatise the children. I feel as if I caused her to make this decision. Because I was the one that told her that she was hurting the children. She loved her grandchildren above all else, took so much pride and pleasure in them. I know my mother was not well. We tried several times to have her see a psychiatrist. But I never knew that her mood was so low that she would do this. I feel responsible. I feel remorse for my lack of empathy. I feel like I will never be able to be happy again because I caused this. I could have just told her to calm down and think. I could have just told her I love her. I could have just said I will come home and I will help her and my sister deal with each other. But I didn't. Instead I fought with her. Instead I told her the most horrible thing she could have possibly heard. I feel like I don't deserve forgiveness.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss and all the trauma you and your family has endured. I'm no expert by any means but please this is not your fault, it sounds like your mother suffered deeply her whole life and ultimately it was her choice to end that suffering. Big hugs, I can't imagine what you're going through. Please get some counseling.

 

My Momma left this world the same way in Sept..... notes and all.... damn near ur exact story...

 

What a heart wrenching story. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. My son's suicide was recent but one thing I noticed we have in common are the questions and the what if's. It seems like the first thing we do after the discovery of our loved one is to begin questioning ourselves. From my own reflection, I know I was questioning things that happened many years ago, wondering if THAT was the answer.

I'm by no means an expert on this, but I personally don't think that a person who commits suicide does it for a single reason. I think the thoughts and emotions already have to be there. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it was your conversation that got her to do it. Because of her note, I think she took this incident as a reason to do something she was already going to do.

But who knows? That's part of what makes this so hard. We can't just ask them. But I do know that the "what if's" can send us into a tailspin if we let them. As much as we want to find blame and even blame ourselves, we really can't because the chances are pretty big that if we did, we'd be wrong.

My hope is that you find peace as time goes on. Heck, that's the hope for ME!

Please stay in touch!

Chuck