Lost my mother April 24

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by SeekingHope, May 18, 2020.

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  1. SeekingHope

    SeekingHope Member

    I lost my beloved mother on April 24. My mother had a series of complex health issues that included COPD, a paralyzed diaphragm, which adversely impacted her quality of life over time. During her last year, her kidneys becames unstable and she needed to undergo daily dialysis. My mother was independent all of her life and she accepted the challenges that faced her. In the last couple of months, my mother was repeatedly admitted to the hospital, with a series of unsuccessful discharges. It was very difficult to watch my mother's condition regress, though I didn't want to believe that she was dying. She wasn't terminal. I thought that my mother just needed to change some of her lifestyle habits, in order to improve her daily quality of life. She was overweight, so I thought that perhaps I could assist with getting her the groceries that could assist with the additional weight that she was carrying. After all, her COPD could not be cured, but I thought that if she lost weight, it would lessen the burden that it was having on her mobility. And, as she was now on dialysis, I thought that it was just about her becoming compliant to a new regimen. We met with the dietician and discussed her options. And, I thought that I could get my mother her groceries and assist with meal preparation. After all, now on dialysis, it was causing her to feel exhaustion and so she no longer seemed to have the energy to prepare her own meals. This is a woman who hosted large dinners, was a phenomenal cook and now she didn't have the energy to make her own meals. And, she didn't complain. She never once cried in my presence, as she regressed. While in the hospital, she was asking me to provide her with her credit cards because she was concerned that as she was in the hospital, that her bills may have been left unpaid. My mother diligently took care of all of her responsibilities. And, I did my little bit to get her the groceries. Her last unsuccessful discharge was on April 18. The hospital said that she was ready. My mother could walk with her walker about 10 feet before she experienced shortness of breath. And, they said that she was ready to be discharged. My mother needed daily dialysis, 6 days a week. This meant that she would need to walk from her apartment to the front door, where the transport company would pick her up for her treatment. This was far more than 10 feet. When she came home on Saturday, she experienced a fall the first night. She struggled when she needed to transfer from the toilet to her walker. She could not find the strength to stand up. She NEVER had that problem. It turned out that due to the extended stays in the hospital, her leg muscles wasted away, she did not have strength. Back to the hospital on Tuesday April 21, to emergency. It is COVID, so I was there with my mother as she registered, though I could not go in with her. The Dr called who examined her this time told me of the atrophy and said that it may be possible to send my mother to rehab. Though he said that it could be a long process, if she built her strength in her legs, this could assist her back to independence. After all, during the last couple of weeks, I was trying to access additional homecare services to assist my mother throughout the week. If my mother could not bear weight, she would then need 24 hour support. My 78 year old beloved mother. I thought that though many of my mother's conditions were incurable, that if she had the willingness to comply to the rehabilitation that she had a chance to recover and be independent. I could not accept that possibly my mother was not ready to comply. I could not accept that possibly my mother just had enough. I couldn't imagine living without my mother. But she never complained. During her last hospital visit she experienced discomfort in her stomach. The hospital treated the symptoms with Hydromorphone, this pain continued throughout the week. The hospital did not catch that maybe there was something more sinister brewing. My mother was in the ICU on Friday, with a massive heart attack. I lost my mother shortly after. My grief is overwhelming. My mother was a wonderful person, though the burden I carry is not knowing how much she knew how much I loved her and always will. I talked with my mother daily, she was my sounding board, my rock. She was the glue that held our family together. And, she put up with me for several years. Though I suppose my mother loved me no matter what, I have a hard time believing that I did anything to deserve such a great mother. I miss my mother so much and I don't know how I am going to get through this. I need to know that someone out there has an idea what I am talking about.
     
  2. @APPY

    @APPY Active Member

    I do . I lost my father on 5/5/20. Very recently. He was precisely the world to me. I never thought I would be able to survive an hour without him still treading. Time will teach us to live with our wounds I guess. Hang in.
     
  3. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I do too. I lost my husband 3/19/20. Mom 5/8/20 and our beloved boxer on 5/12/20. The loneliness is deafening. Silence around here is worse. Like you she was my sounding board, rock everything and I'm an only child. I'm totally alone now. I really don't know what to do. Doing a live video counseling session tomorrow to see if she can help with my anxiety and depression....
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    SeekingHope,

    So sorry for the loss of your mother. I can see you had to do so much for your mother and I am sure it was very hard on you as well.

    After my dad’s death, I took care of mom, but I was already doing a lot for her before like her trips to/from dialysis 3 times a week. There is nothing worse than seeing a loved one, like our parents being in such need of our help. What makes it even tougher is not seeing any progress to a healthier life.

    Isn’t it amazing, how our parents, even when they are the one who needs the most help, they are still looking out for their children before their well being? Both my parents were that way, and you can’t help but be crushed as you see them get sicker as each day passes.

    My dad when he told me of his lung cancer, passed away two days later, So even though he must have been so sick for years, he never let me know. Some days I am angry for that knowledge and other days I am thankful. It is a love/hate scenario I think about at times.

    Your mom, my mom, were both wonderful how they looked out for us even in their most dire of times. She was thinking of you and others. My mom was no different.

    I can remember times sitting with mom in Dialysis and seeing how the needles hurt her so much. I was never so happy when they put in a permanent line in her in a day surgery. No more painful sticks and hearing her cry out.

    It must have been very hard not being able to be with your mom. When my mom became too sick we had to have her moved to a hospice hospital where she was until stomach flu took her in the end. It is never easy to say goodbye to our parents, no matter how they succumb.

    I am sure you will always have such pain from her passing. Your words are my thoughts exactly. Each day as I came to mom, I made sure ‘Meal on Wheels’ brought her meals twice a day. I fed her cats, twelve of them mind you.

    I would sit with her, get her tea, talk with her, play cards with her, and just talk about so much each day that I was with her. She told me so many stories. Like the one about Clayton Moore, who played the Lone Ranger. She said she had a date with him once and he gave her a silver bullet, a trademark of his. I have no idea where it ended up. But I use to have his outfit as a child and pretended I was him.

    Mom’s first husband, my step-brother’s dad was killed on the D-Day invasion in Normandy. She would tell me about the war. All the hardships families would endure. How turning on the radio and television and reading the newspaper was so scary. During the first part of the war she lived with her parents, and they were with her the day the mailman delivered the war department letter. When she would talk of it my heart would be in my throat, and there would be tears in both of our eyes. I never realized how easy it was to fear the mailman, but she did.

    She married my father before the war ended. Both were Naval sailors, the ship he was killed on was a landing craft with soldiers. My father was stationed on the USS Boston during the entire time of the war and had many campaigns.

    Our moms will be with us forever in our hearts and minds, and souls. They will live on in our memories, and their loss will never be forgotten.

    I hope you will find some comfort in what I have said. I know we will miss our moms forever. Peace be with you.

    -david

    A song for you - Though this song sings of goodbye, this is on Earth, but always remember, our moms with be with forever, they will never leave our hearts.


     
  5. SeekingHope

    SeekingHope Member

    My father passed away several years ago and my mother took care of him as he fought cancer for about 2 years. My mother asked very little of me during this time. It was only towards the end where my parents needed me to get my father to the hospital that I recall. When I visited my parents at their home, my father would be at his computer, he loved day trading. Though we never talked about his cancer. One day, I met my father's nurse, who paid regular visits. I asked her in the lobby of my parent's building, what the timeline was. I recall her saying that the ingestable chemotherapy that he was taking would eventually be rejected by his body. I recall asking her how long this would be and when she said approximately 2 years, for the first time I realized the limited time. Though I never discussed this with my father, i recall myself feeling a sense of shock. My parents protected my sister and I from all of this.

    My response to my father's loss was very different to my mom's. My relationship with my father was more complex and I don't even know where I am at with it at this time.

    I always felt this sense of grief towards my mother. She was brave, always knew what to do to take care of her family. And I never felt that I could do enough for her. I feel like I too my mother for granted and that I needed her so much as a child would for her mother. Even as an adult. I don't know if my mother ever had time to experience a sense of relief as she got older. I know that she was a member of a bookclub within her building and that she loved to write the book reports and her club loved to hear them. My mother was an incredible cook, she loved to host dinners and people loved to experience them. She loved plants, nurtured them and loved them. Towards the last few years, the upkeep of the plants were too much for her, so she discontinued this hobby. And, I never bought her plants, though I suppose that I could have taken the opportunity to get a couple. Only, I never thought that I would live up to the commitment to visit my mom enough to water them. And, my mother never asked me to do this.

    There are so many things that I think that I could have done for my mother, but I was too busy thinking of my life and my needs. And, somehow I knew this time would come when I would like back as I do now and feel like I fell far short of the ideal. My mother deserved more than this from me.
     
  6. jagsqx4

    jagsqx4 New Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I loss my mother 3/13/20. I am now taking care off my 88 y.o. father. I have been staying with my father and the memories of my mother are everywhere. I have not really grieved because I am trying to be strong for my father. Everyday has been a struggle and I can’t imagine how I will deal when my father passes. I feel like they are all I have/had in this world.
     
  7. jagsqx4

    jagsqx4 New Member

    I’m so sorry for your losses. God bless you.
     
  8. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Thank you
     
  9. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry. I feel your pain in that situation. I don't feel I've grieved for my mother yet as I haven't picked up her ashes to take to the cemetery. Dreading that. I feel like I'm still grieving my husband and Maggie. I finally got her bathroom cleaned out. Still working on her room...My agoraphobia is getting very bad with this virus and I'm supposed to return to the medical clinic next Friday. scared to the max. My nerves are shot. I've started shaking. Miserable. May God bless you in caring for your father.
     
  10. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry you live with that guilt. Over time I'm sure you will be able to soften it. I'm sure you did other things in other ways for her. Maybe I'm not grieving as hard for my mom because she lived a very long life and I've taken care of her since 2006. The last almost 4 years here in the house. Or maybe I'm overwhelmed at suddenly being totally isolated and alone except for my fur babies. It's definitely taking a toll on me. I hope you have other family or friends you can talk with and maybe relieve some of this guilt you are feeling. Pray about it also.
     
  11. SeekingHope

    SeekingHope Member

    I have extended family who have been very supportive. I know that the loss is more than the person, it is the intangible things that my mother brought to my life. I know that my mother would have done anything for me. And, she never complained. Only, in her final days, I believe that I came forward to advocate for her--if only for a short time--to try to obtain the care that she needed. Only, I found that it was very difficult for me to accept that perhaps she was in so much pain that she was in the process of losing her will. She had several health concerns that adversely impacted her quality of life. But she never complained. She appeared willing to deal with it all. It is still really difficult for me to articulate how I felt. I needed my mother in many ways and I don't think I could have prepared myself for her loss. Only now, my hope is now that she can rest in peace, though I'm just trying to find my way to an acceptance that perhaps it was her time.
     
  12. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I am glad you have other family that is there for you. Wish I did so badly.
    I was seeing mine starting to go downhill more after my husband died. Luckily Maggie went after Mom. That would have done her in for sure. She was sleeping more, telling me she was getting slower at her "chores" she did around the house. I was noticing but there's no way you can be prepared. My mother wasn't sick thank God for that. Everything was going though, eyes, hearing, bladder was starting to leak w/in the last week or 2 before. She just wore out.....she was 94 yo, lived a long and happy life. it was her time. She was tired. But she always did whatever she could for me, was always there for me.....I miss that and haven't dealt with it.....it's coming for sure.....unless I can really tell myself that it was her time, she's w/Dad and Jerry, Max and Maggie.....she's got a healthy body again and can see and hear.....That's what I'm hoping. The same for your mom....no pain, healthy body and happy in Heaven.

    Hugs
     
  13. jagsqx4

    jagsqx4 New Member

    Just want you to know I’m thinking of you.
     
  14. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Ty. I appreciate that. Prayers for you also.