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Lost my mom two weeks ago

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by delainmt, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. delainmt

    delainmt New Member

    I work on theatre and my mom did too for the last seven years. We were always two, only us, despite everything, even if I had a partner or even though she was married, we were always together, we were best friends and had a company together. We had our own school and theater company, it all happened too fast I still on denial, she was a really kind, gentle person, always working, always helping others, always creating, she had a thyroid problem for the las 20 years so she had troubles falling asleep and she was too hyperactive, that’s why nobody suspected anything when she had troubles sleeping for like two weeks right before my wedding, I was about to cancel everything, to stay with her cause she looked really tired and I got worry, but then she went to the doctor and she told her that it was a lack of vitamin B so after a few shots she got better and she insisted that we had the wedding and that I had to go to the honeymoon, I trusted the doctors and we did,
    I came back on a Friday and she told me she wanted to go to her house for a few days to rest, but that she will be there for the performance of one of our plays on 8 days, then all deteriorated fast, she talked to me on the phone as always, one day she told me “I tripped on the garden and hurt myself with a cactus, but is nothing I’m fine” told me it had been an accident and everything was good, she said that she will be on the theater on Sunday and that she was feeling a lot better “please don’t worry baby”, on Sunday she didn’t show up on time, my grandma arrived at the theatre but not my mom, I panicked , she would never stood up my granny, so I called and called and called to get an answer. Finally heard from her almost three hours after the time she was supposed to arrived she had fallen on her bathroom and couldn’t get up, her husband didn’t notice for about an hour, finally they arrived and I noticed her whole body was leaning to the left and she had trouble walking so I dragged her to the doctor again and they did a bunch of tests and a Tomography, they found a huge brain tumor, in a week she couldn’t walk and had a crisis, so I took her to the hospital, they said they had to do an emergency surgery but, they didn’t have anesthesia in the hospital and that I had to take her somewhere else, I’m an only child so I looked for another option by myself and consulted with her brothers the options I’ve had found.
    So on September 6 she went into surgery, she woke up from that, talked to us, held my hand, kissed me, she looked fine, it appeared to be ok, so I asked if it was ok to go drop my partner home and come back to the hospital, she gave me permission, “-is it ok mom? -she said yes”, so I did it , when I got back she had fallen sleep, or so we thought, she was not sleeping, she was in a coma, never woke up. I saw her lose movement until deep coma, an edema had appeared and injured her brain, how didn’t I noticed? The doctors wanted to wait to move her to an ICU and waited too long, she went from a 10 on the Glasgow scale to 3, they waited 48 hours and I trusted them, I lost her, I left and lost her last minutes awake and then didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late

    I lost my best friend, my only partner in crime, my mom, the real love of my life, all without a warning and everything in a matter of days, I know days might seem a lot for many people, or enough to prepared, but nothing can prepare you for the lost of the only person that gets you and loves you the way only a mother can.

    My friends don’t know what to say only “dude your relationship with your mom was unique this is truly the worst that could’ve happened to you” like I don’t know.

    My wife is grieving too since they got alone great and loved each other so she can’t stand my sadness or so it seems because she gets weird and defensive when I seem to be suffering. I feel like I don’t have a place or person to grieve with, or like I’m not allowed to.
    How can I be ok when I don’t feel ok? I feel like going crazy, nothing feels appealing anymore, I even hate theater and our school sometimes, why didn’t I notice something was wrong before it exploded so we could have done more to save her? She wanted another vacation and I didn’t give it to her, I didn’t let her eat a freaking Twinkie because she was going into surgery, I left, I missed her last minutes awake. I trusted stupid doctors that told me everything was ok.
    I really need to talk about this, I’m forgetting things, I even called her because I forgot, I’m in huge denial, I miss her, I feel broken, incomplete and Alone.
     
  2. kanderson3021

    kanderson3021 New Member

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You are not alone.

    I lost my mom on 1/11/2020, a little over two months after discovering her cancer was back (after getting cleared in June of last year).... and that, this time it was in the brain. All of the oncology teams that we met with were so nonchalant about the treatment; “you’ll feel like yourself again by June!”... no one prepared us for the possibility that her treatments would kill her faster than the disease... that the treatments would cause far greater deficits than the disease did... she started treatment on Dec 11 after suffering a seizure at home. She was in the hospital for the entirety of the last month of her life and I can’t stop dwelling on it. Why did we let her do the treatment? Why did we listen to the doctors? Why do we put so much faith in the professionals?

    I feel so lost and heartbroken. I feel so angry, so confused. Most other times, I feel nothing. I feel nothing and then I feel everything intensely. I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t talk to my friends or family about it. My family, my brothers, because they too are grieving. We lost our father in 2017, so we don’t have him to lean on or confide in. We have each other, but I don’t want to burden them with my sorrow too, they have enough of their own. I don’t want to burden my friends with it because I’ve already talked to them... I feel like any more and they’ll start to shut down and pull away. No one knows what to say. There isn’t anything they can say that will stop this pain.
     
  3. Jennalee_007

    Jennalee_007 New Member

    I lost my mom in October to cancer. She was my best friend. My fiancé and I moved to her place when she started getting really sick. It was incredibly sad and I wasn’t ready to lose her. I was so sad she wouldn’t see me get married. A month later my fiancé was unexpectedly killed. I feel like I’m living in a really shitty movie. How can this be real life? How did I just lose the two people I loved most in this world? Grief is awful and I hope it gets better with time for you. It’s been about 2 months since my losses and I still cry for them every day.
     
  4. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain, my mom passed in August and my wife in December. I too cry each and every day, the only thing that offers some comfort is I believe somehow I'll get to the other side of this grief and find a happiness, it seems impossible from where I sit now but I HAVE to believe this awful feeling ends. I hope the same for you and everyone on this site. Dan
     
  5. SouthernGal

    SouthernGal Member

    I’m so sorry you are in so much pain. I’m disabled now and have plenty of time to chat. I’ll listen to ya. I’m hurting myself because my mother passed away Jan 20th. I’m still in shock. She was 66 and had a heart attack. There was a lot of blockage so she had triple bypass surgery and never woke up from surgery. She was on life support for a week until her kidneys and lungs started to fail. She was in a small hospital so they flew her to St. Louis for better dialysis equipment but she died alone in the plane. I didn’t get to see her before the surgery because I have a blood clot and she didn’t want me to travel. She said she’d see me after rehab from the heart surgery. She wanted to be cremated so she was in St. Louis and mailed to us so I never saw her and haven’t really grasped everything that happened so fast. I know she’s gone but I still can’t believe it. I guess because I didn’t get to see her. My brother and sister saw her while she was on life support in the small hospital and said their goodbyes when it wasn’t looking to good. I just feel like she’s at home in AR and I’m in LA and she doesn’t have cell phone service to call. Feel free to message me anytime any of ya want or need to chat. I wish you all peace and happiness.
     
  6. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your mom SouthernGal, that has to be hard not having been able to see her to say your goodbye before she passed. It really is hard to come to the realization they are gone, I find myself thinking I need to tell Cathi ( my wife ) something that has taken place and then it hits that I can't or ever will be able to again and so the tears start again !!?? I guess time is what will make this easier as we grieve. BTW my avatar picture was taken in NOLA in 2018, we loved your state :)
     
  7. SouthernGal

    SouthernGal Member

    Oh yes Jackson Square. Lovely picture. I know what you mean I want to pick up phone and call my mom but then I realize she can’t answer. I’m sorry for your loss of your dear sweet Cathi.
     
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