My mom and I had a very complicated relationship. She and I had been very close but in the few years during her decline due to cancer, she cut off communication. It was awful to know she was in the hospital alone but didn’t want me to come and visit. My sister and brother-in-law were her caregivers and when things got too bad, my sister reached out to me. I am a nurse and figured I had worked through a lot of issues concerning my mom in therapy and that I could go to my mom’s and care for her as a nurse and be support for my sister. I was fine until the second night when I pulled back the covers and saw my mom’s fingers starting to mottle. I lost it and from then on I was no longer able to be the “nurse”. I was a daughter caring for her dying mother. Even though she could barely talk, we made amends and there was peace surrounding our relationship. My sister and I helped guide her to her death for four days, with the last five hours being the most intense for us all. It was terrifying and traumatic, but also beautiful and magical. The last time I saw my mom, she was healthy and happy. I went up to help out on 12/23 and saw a woman I didn’t recognize who could barely speak. She passed on 12/26. I am beyond sad. I can’t really let it out because I fear it’s too powerful. I’m in shock and numb and overwhelmed. I had a hysterectomy scheduled for 1/8 of this year and am starting a doctorate program on Tuesday. It’s just too much, all that happened with my mom, all that’s happened with me since and the fact I’ve had no alone time to process and grieve. Although, tbh I don’t know how I feel about being alone. The thought of it terrifies me right now. I just keep seeing flashes of her face, hearing the sounds she was making toward the end. My heart is broken.
