Lost My Mom Suddenly Feeling Lost

My mother passed away 04/06/2019. She was my grandmother's caregiver for many years until she passed 11/05/2018. I'm 44 years old and my mom and I had just really began to have a really good relationship. She always told me her worst fear was to die alone and nobody know she was dead in the house. Basically we talked on Fridays each week and she felt like I didn't call enough. Sometimes I admit I wouldn't take her calls right away. My mom and I would literally be on the phone 2- 4 hours each time. I feel so horrible because I now know she was just lonely. She actually died 04/03/2019. My birthday was March 26th and My anniversary was the 28th. I disconnected for several days and didn't call her that Friday as my husband and I were celebrating. She left me a message to enjoy our time and call the following Friday. I ended up calling Saturday and she didn't answer. My Aunt called maybe 30 minutes later to ask if I talked to her and I told her I left messages, but no response. She said she had been calling for days and no answer. She went to the house and found that my mom had passed away. The coroner said it was on the 3rd, but her death was recorded as the 6th when she was found. Heart failure. The last conversation I had with her we were cracking up because she was imitating Cardi B...Okurrrr! It was spot on. All I can think of is that I didn't have that last phone call. She was all alone. She fell asleep with the Bible in her lap and her heart stopped. She was supposed to be coming to live with me in Texas after she got grandma's house in Illinois sold. I'm angry at everything. I'm mad at God right now. I'm angry at some family who behaved awfully and greedily after she died. I'm angry at myself. Some days I'm ok, but most I'm not. I am her only child. It was always me and her against the world. Although I left church and have struggled with my faith she was always praying for me. Who is going to pray for me now?I feel like I have nowhere to turn. My dad, just like the rest of my life is no support. My husband is wonderful and compassionate, but I don't want to keep going on and crying because I don't want him to get tired of it. I don't have friends really, just associates. I don't feel like I'm suicidal, but I have no drive. I don't know how to get past the pain. I'm lost. My job closes down and now I have too much time to think about everything. I wish I could just snap out of this. I really do.

 

Demetria, there are no words to take the terrible pain away. I can just say I know a similar pain as my mom died 4 months ago.
Having no drive, inability to step beyond the pain, family conflict post-death, feeling mad etc. It sucks. The list goes on. It’s like a black cloud hanging over you. It’s like a film that keeps replaying the bad bits: everything you should have done and didn’t, phone calls you want to make but can’t and love you want to give but mum’s no longer there to receive it. Feeling mad at losing your mum but nowhere to direct the anger. I could go on. You are not alone.
The storm of grief can be overwhelming and crippling. It has for me. Only now, 4 months later, I’m able to control my tears, a little. I’m able to hide my sadness as not to overwhelm others with my pain. But when I’m alone, I tell God exactly how how feel. I cry and cry. Then I get up and continue. Both my parents are now gone. What choice do I have but to continue. They would want me to be okay. Wouldn’t your mum want the same for her only child? The child she prayed for everyday of her life.
You say who will pray for you now...I ask every Christian who reads your post to put you on their prayer list. Let us all pray for you.
Hugz, prayers, love and hope,
Emerginglight x

 

I have tears streaming down my face as I read both of your posts. This is my first time on this site and I've been browsing the forums about loss of a parent. I was supposed to start a support group but they cancelled it due to covid. I lost my mom on January 20th, she was 72, after she was hospitalized on December 27th and we found out she had stage 4 cancer. Reading what you both wrote, it just resonated with me. Some days I feel ok, but some days the pain overwhelms me and I miss her so much. I feel so angry at the world and at reality. And underneath I feel like I am pretending, like I am hiding a low level depression. But I still must be a mom, work, be a wife, and go on. But yes, it feels like a black cloud, a film replaying the bad bits, her last breaths, her struggles the last few weeks of her life. And I too don't want to be a burden on my husband, who is not great at walking through this with me to begin with. Demetra - I can't imagine what it feels like to have lost your mom the way you did, with her dying alone like that. My heart just breaks for you, and for the pain you must feel.
I know everyone goes through this, everyone loses their mom. But I don't know how to heal from it. The pain feels overwhelming, and I feel like I need more of an outlet. I need to talk to people about it and hear other people's pain, but the virus and current circumstances prevent that. If you know of any other resources that help, please let me know. Thank you both.
Dorit

 

Dorit, I don’t know if anyone ever ‘heals’ from this kind of devastation. Personally, I think we find ways to live with,and around, the pain.

Outlets differ.My sister writes a journal and before COVID19 contacted others who had similar experiences. My other sister keeps busy. And I have good days and bad days. I try to survive each day as they come.

Each day, when I open eyes, for moment I forget who I have lost. Then when I remember it’s like a weight on my shoulders. My husband is not able to give the emotional support I need in this grief journey. So I try to keep busy: I paint pictures, work and I talk to God. And sometimes share with others who understand how crushing it is to lose a beloved mother.

I have to redefine who I am. Once I was a wife and a daughter and my life was filled with her voice, her laughter and her care for me. And her prayers for me. Now I am still a wife but I feel like a big part of my identity has been tore away. It’s like a wound that is infected and can’t heal. A wound I try to hide from others as they can’t deal with my pain.

My heart aches for all of us. But we will survive and one day see our loved ones once again. That’s my belief. And what a day that will be!

Love, Hugz and Blessings❤️