My husband , whom I had been married to for 31 years, died on March 15, 2020. He had been in ICU for two weeks and I had at first expected a recovery. He had experienced serious injuries . When I realized how things were going downhill and he was having organ failure, and no improvement, I had to talk to the health care team . Michael and I had conversations over the years, and he had told me he did not want to lay there and linger in the hospital, kept alive by machines, with little chance of recovery to a full life. When the Dr. laid out all the facts to me, I knew my husband would NOT want the various scenarios, and the best case scenario would not be acceptable to him. I talked it over with our grown daughter, and we became united in the decision. Hospice came in and he was removed from all the support and transported to a Hospice House where he passed very soon after arriving. Now I live in a day to day lonely despair and pain. The days drag on and I truly feel that I am going to lose my mind. I cry, talk to him, break down and feel like I want to go with him. There is lots of guilt and what ifs and why didn't I do this or that. I drink too much at night and often have nightmares. Our daughter is amazing and although she is grieving also, she does her best to comfort me. You see, she is so much like her father, strong and resilient. They are both Aries, and are tough and stubborn. I used to tell her when she would have conflict with her dad, that they were butting heads because she is just like him, lol. I brought his ashes home today and that brought mixed emotions, a bit of comfort that he is"here" with me in a sense. But also a lot of sadness that he is not here in the way that he always was. I am fifty and he was only 52. Everyone says to baby step through the days, and I really try to do so, but sometimes I can only lay on the bed and sob in despair. I truly wish I had gone first, he was so much stronger than me.
Spiral1, I just replied to your other post. So much of your story is similar to mine. My husband and I had those same discussions, about not keeping either of alive with machines. Neither of us wanted to be the survivor, we wanted to go together. My daughter is my biggest support and she’s a lot like her dad. I’ve dealt with guilt like you mention, I kind of think we all go through guilt of some kind. But we really shouldn’t, we loved our spouses, we did everything we could, there’s no reason for guilt. But I do understand. I also had mixed emotions on bringing the ashes home. I remember, being in my sons car and sitting in the passenger seat and holding his ashes and crying hysterically. The days do tend to drag on and the loneliness is awful. Im sorry you’re having nightmares, that’s terrible, I’ve been having panic attacks in the night, they’re scary and I’m dealing with them alone. But if Ron was here I wouldn’t be having panic attacks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know what you’re feeling. Keep posting and reading, this site is very helpful. Sending you hugs, Robin
Great advice from Robin. She has been a great help to many people here on this forum (including me) I want to add my condolences and hope that you will get some relief from your pain. It’s horrible and all-encompassing. There are no words to describe how awful it is. So far, for me, keeping busy with something else (any kind of distraction) helps. I started writing, which led to song lyrics. Music is a wonderful mood changer. If you feel like being sad, play something sad and cry. “Don’t worry about the tears. Let them flow. They help wash out the soul.” God bless you and I wish you peace. Bill
Spiral there are no words good enough to explain the pain. In these first few weeks you need to concentrate on yourself. Grieving will take a lot out of you. Try to eat right and sleep well. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Talk to your love with your questions. You already know what he would say. You'll hear him in your head. I'm so sorry. I lost the love of my life suddenly 4 1/2 months ago. I cry almost every day.
Spiral, I lost my beloved husband on 2-20-20. It i just one month - it feels like an eternity. I feel the pain of your loss. My days are empty and lonely. This Corona Virus mandate to remain at home has made it even worse. The house is silent - the silence is deafening. I am doing my best to be strong but it is far more difficult than I ever imagined. So many memories. I question all the decisions I made when he was so ill. We had Hospice and care givers till the end. I wish I had known the night he died I would have stayed awake and held him till his last breath. So many feelings of what I should of - could of have done differently. Even though I know I did all humanely possible to make his life as comfortable as possible while he was ill I still feel so many emotions that are uncontrollable. I miss him every minute of the day and night. We had a fabulous life together and he was my soulmate, my rock and the wind beneath my feet. Life is unbearable without him. I pray to stay strong and hope that the pain eases with each day, week and month that passes. So far that has not happened. Spiril, know that you are not alone. Stay strong and take care of yourself. If you are person of faith try praying - it might help you.
