Lost my husband a month ago. Struggling to breathe.

Hi guys....its been almost a month for me. Im barely eating. I cant sleep. When I am am able to sleep, I'm hit with such an overwhelming sense of sorrow the second I open my eyes. I dont want to wake up and I dont want to carry on.

I lost my first husband in early 2015 after a battle with COPD. It was hard, it was painful, but it was nothing like *this.* This is a pain I didnt even know was humanly possible. I married my second husband in August of last year. He was a widower as well and the two of us were truly meant to be. I could spend an hour talking about how wonderful and happy we were together, but I know you get it. He was fit. He was young. He was healthy. He was happy. And he suffered an aortic aneurysm while I was lying next to him.

I'm 38 years old and every vision and dream I had for our future has been completely stolen away. I'm shocked and I'm sad and I'm angry. I'm a million emotions that make no sense whatsoever. I'm going to grief counseling, I've joined a widows/widowers support group, I have amazing friends and a loving family... everyone keeps telling me itll get easier, but it's done nothing but get so so so much worse. I feel like my heart is actually breaking, a true physical pain in my BONES.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this or, to be honest, what I'm even searching for...but please offer me any wisdom you have. I know life will go on. I know I could be happy again. But....I just dont *want* to fight for that.

 

I am sorry to hear of the loss of both your husbands. Losing people at such a young age simply doesn't make any sense to us - and I think may make the grief even worse. It seems like you are doing all the 'right" things - the things the "experts" say you should be doing at a time like this. The only other thing I can add is that you may also want to see your primary physician. Many people fail to care for themselves at these times.

 

Wish I had some wisdom to pass on. I wonder if its PTSD. That's how I feel--stressed to the max and having trouble sleeping. Perhaps you're still in shock. I read a translation and interpretation of the I Ching that helped as much as anything. Boiled down into a nutshell it said, "nothing is good or bad, it just is." Those words helped as much as anything. Right now, there are a lot of people dying around me. My sis said there are a lot of people where she is are dying too. She put forth the thought that perhaps there is a portal to another dimension open and they are going there. That took me aback. I've heard about such things and I suppose it's possible. I know my husband's energy is around because when a friend an I were going through his things one day, a book flew off the shelf. I put it back and it flew off again. My friend said, "I guess Tom doesn't want us messing with his stuff." He always said he wanted to astro travel around the universe when he died. I hope he is. I know this is a lot of woo-woo stuff, but knowing his energy is lurking around gives me some comfort. If you feel like your heart is breaking, it probably is and I believe you are in physical pain. I wouldn't fight it, I'd go with it. I think fighting it makes it harder. Give into the heartbreak and pain. It takes what it takes. You will come out the other side of this. My heart goes out to you. It's been three months for me and I've just come out of the shock enough to feel the grief. I don't know how long it takes.

 

By the way, you need anxiety meds if you can't breathe. I'm suffering from panic attacks, racing heart and can't breathe. My doc gives me pills for it.

 

Thank you guys for the love. I really do appreciate you taking the time. Sending love and I hope you're hanging in there. If you need a shoulder, I've got two good ones and I'm always here x

 

I lost my husband on February 28,2018 due to an unexpected illness. He had lost oxygen to his brain and had multiple strokes. I wish I could stay that I totally understand how you are feeling but I only had one husband pass away. We buried him on his birthday, March 3rd. I can't even explain how I feel. Some days are ok and some are not. I have had a bad 2 weeks though. My days and nights are mixed up right now. I have lost 38lbs since he died. I get so sick of people asking me how am I doing. I'm grieving!!! I know that unless a person has lost a spouse there is no possible way they can understand, but it still irritates me. I'm here if you want to talk.

 

Can we swap email or text each other? I would love that!

I've lost so much weight, too. People keep telling me how great I look (I'm doing odd jobs for people now and spending hours at a time in the sun has made me tan and much more fit than I was before) ....when they tell me I look amazing, I'm like "uhhhhhhhhhh."

I'm so sorry you know this emotion! And I wish I could say something that would help or take the pain away, but I know that isnt possible. One thing I can do though is be a friend!

 

Sure. My email is thorne224334@gmail.com. I know what you mean about people telling you that you are looking so good. I hear it too. I would rather be fat than have to deal with this. I sure was happier then. My faith is the only thing that has kept me going. If not for that I don't know what I would do.

 

I am sorry and I sympathize with you. It’s been almost 4 months for me. I don’t know how this works. My older brother experienced the same sudden loss of his spouse 20 years ago when he was the age I am now. I reached out to him and he has been very helpful. It’s still so hard. I cry all the time. I’m happy for you that you have good friends and family nearby. Take advantage of that! I don’t know how you feel about dogs or cats or pets in general, but maybe think about adopting a pound puppy or volunteering for something you’ve always wanted to get involved with? Something you can focus on that is outside of your grieving. I also highly recommend the book “Just Sit”. It focuses on meditation. It has been very helpful for me. To meditate is easier said than done, that’s for sure. But try. I’m trying and don’t always succeed, that’s for sure. To read the book though really helps me steer through this devastation.
Big hug. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through and totally understand.

 

Wow, I know what you are feeling. I lost my son’s dad suddenly almost 2 months ago. I feel like my life stopped. I know it’s so hard and we try to do things to take our minds off the pain but only time can make it feel a little better. I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I don’t have a big support system my family seems to think I should be over it by now but everyone grieves differently. Take care of yourself ❤️

ow

 

At age 58, I am in that unfortunate club of having two partners die, one 18 years ago and the other 5 weeks ago. My first partner whom I was with for 20 years unexpectedly committed suicide due to severe alcoholism. Though his suicide was unexpected, his death was not as the doctors warned me for 2-3 years that his bottom was death. So I had forewarning. Still to come home and hear his death rattle when I went to check on him was profoundly shocking. My second partner who I met 7 months later (probably too soon) had open heart surgery with a triple bypass at age 59 in 2016. We both thought that would solve his heart issues. Wrong! On June 30, 2018, we came home after eating out and he complained about not being able to breathe. We turned the fan on full blast and I got his aspirin. A minute later, he said he was having chest pains. I called 911. Sometime while I was making the call, he lost consciousness and turned purple. He had no pulse; the paramedics did the best they could but it was very, very bad. I found out later he had a non defibrillating cardiac arrest which meant CPR, the electric paddles and medication coukd not solve. By the time he got to the hospital he was brain dead. Life support was pulled on July 6 after his liver, kidneys, corneas and skin w ere harvested.

I keep going over and over his death before me and can't stop thinking about it. I think it is PTSD based on factors, inability to eat and sleep properly and emotional state.

His death makes me an orphan with no living family members. I really rely on friends, but they have their lives and cannot be expected to be a sounding board forever. I joined this online community because the only non religious grief support group does not start til Oct. 15.

All I can say to anyone who has lost a partner is that it gets better but it takes time and a lot of p a in to go through.

 

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear your news. I can feel your pain. When my son’s Father was murdered a part of me feels like it’s gone. It’s just this feeling I feel. His murder is still unsolved so that makes it worse (no closure) yes it takes time. I have to say I’m not where (in my emotions) where I was 2 weeks ago but I think about him everyday. I think about the funeral the way he looked in the casket, I have dreamed of him 3 times of course he’s alive. I’m still struggling but I know with time it will get better. Hang in there it will get better

 

I think the circumstance that makes both of our losses so traumatic is the suddeness. One minute they are alive, the next they're dead with no way to prepare. A physician's assistant told me around 9 pm that Robert's brain had been without oxygen for too long to survive. I remember her not being very gentle in breaking the news. Something along the lines of "let's be adults" speech. I went into shock. After all, he looked like he was asleep. His color was good, he was "breathing," and his skin was warm. Of course, it was the life support.

 

Yes it is the sudden part that is tearing me apart. I feel so bad for you

 

I cannot imagine the pain you must feel due to the circumstances of your partner's death. How people can kill others is beyond my comprehension. Who are they to take someone's life? They're not God!

 

Exactly!! I have been contacting the detective that’s on his case. I will seek Justice for him for the rest of my life if I have to. I miss him so much. I loved him as my Son’s Father but most importantly as my dear Friend. When times are tough good or bad that kind of friend a true sincere friend I’m almost in tears thinking about it. You take care of yourself!!! Best wishes to you and I know it’s easier said than done even for me but try to be strong they would of wanted you to

 

I am sorry for your loss,I do not know what to say I lost the love of my life 10 months ago it has not got any better.I live one day at a time.

 

Sorry for your lost..yes it doesn't get easier. I cry every other day. I believe that's the best to let it out and not hold it in.

 

I lost my wife 20 days ago. We were together 28 years, married 26. She was my best friend! She knew me better than anyone on this earth and she loved me through everything! I know life will start over for me, but the incredible loss of my best friend has been beyond belief. I'm taking it one day at a time and have to live for my 21 year old daughter.