I am so hoping there is someone out there who can relate to what I’ve been going through since my dad died. My dad was the only person who really was always there for me. He died in April after a short illness. He also cared for my mom who is struggling with dementia. I feel like I lost her long before dad, she has some good days but really every day gets harder to balance caring for her and doing everything else. No one helps me or understands how hard it is. My “family” has left this responsibility to me and I am the only person who goes to check on mom on a daily basis. The frustration is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, and causing me to be depressed. I feel overwhelmed and alone.
Avamarie, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can identify with what you're saying about losing the one person who was there for you, I feel that so much with the loss of my mother, Every time something bad happens or I have trouble dealing with things, I think to myself it would be easier if she were still here. I know how hard it is when family members don't help out. At least I found it very difficult when my mother was so sick because I got impatient and worn out, which I don't think would have happened so much if there were others to help me. I also think it's heartbreaking for an elderly parent when the entire family isn't there for them. One loss on top of another is also hard to take. Is your mother in an assisted living facility? It's wonderful of you to keep visiting and trying to help her. I wish there was some way to get other family members to do the same. If I lived near you, I would love to help out. Keep letting us know how you are doing and hopefully this support group will help. Take care. Janice
Hello, I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad in June 2017 after a 2 1/2 year battle with pancreatic cancer. My dad was my world. I also have a mom that is not well. I know what you are dealing with. My sister is in Florida and I’m in Ohio. I have another brother who isn’t speaking to my mom.. that’s a whole other story. I feel the same .. depressed and mostly angry. I’m angry all the time. I have a family to take care of and it’s not fair to them that I’m always angry. Not sure if this is normal after the loss of a parent but I can relate to your post ❤️ e
Thank you Janice. Mom is still at her home with home aides to help and I see her everyday after work. I feel the same about how hurtful it is that no other family visits her, especially when she has a day of clarity and realizes how alone she is. I hope you are getting along better each day without your mom. Thank you for your thoughts of help and I would do the same.
Sorry to hear about your father. I lost my mother suddenly in May and have taken in my father who was dependent on her. Hope this site is helpful.
I lost my dad in December. He was in a nursing home and I was his caregiver for seven years. I am the youngest of six and had no help from my siblings. I had to make sure he was taken care of and now that he is gone I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with him. It was a gift. I kept putting one foot in front of the other every day and tried not to let resentment get in the way. The sad thing though is my grief is a lot more intense than theirs and I am having a hard time looking forward. There isn't a magic wand to solve your problem unfortunately. I too was so overwhelmed and so lonely. I had to go to the hospital and doctors visits all by myself with dad. It was a huge enormous responsibility. I would do it a million times again. I can list a million things on a resume but being his caregiver was the most rewarding thing I will ever do in my life. Keep in mind too that even though you think they don't know you they do. My dad knew me until his dying day. My heart goes out to you.
AvaMarie123 and others on this page in similar situations, I understand some of your pain, depression, and frustration. 5 years ago my mom got a bladder infection that made her very weak and confused for several months. She healed from it but was left with occasional memory problems or slight confusion. My dad was starting to get some dementia as well. I began spending a few days to a few weeks a month helping out. I was close to both of them especially my dad. No matter how good or bad a day was, I almost always got a hug from both of them and a thank you and an "I love you" at the end of the day. I know that dementia is different for everyone. My parents still knew me and most of what was going on. My dad would sometimes get his words confused or talk of 2 things at once. I would know what he was talking about so would translate for others. It was hard having 2 parents with bits of different types of dementia, yet I would not trade off that time I had with them for anything. Along with the hardships, there were plenty of blessings leaving wonderful memories. I soon discovered I needed help understanding my parents and what was happening to them. For help I looked up things on dementia on the internet. I found Teepa Snow (an occupational therapist and dementia specialist) whose videos were immensely helpful as well as entertaining. The following site lists a few of Teepa Snow's videos: http://myalzheimersstory.com/2015/06/09/10-teepa-snow-videos-on-dementia-basics/ With each change my parents had, it was like I grieved each version of them that I lost no matter how tiny the change. I then found them again in spite of the changes. I loved them no matter what version of themselves they presented. New situations or sometimes tiredness would bring on what I would call a "dementia attack" especially with my dad. My sister rarely saw my parents. And when she did, my dad was usually tired and upset for her showing up so late (9 p.m. or after!) So she thought he was looney and would not believe me that he really knew what was going on. The following part of my story I mention not to be complaining about my sister, but to explain how I finally realized I was the person my parents needed in their life not my sister. It helped to soften my feelings from anger to disappointment to some thankfulness (at least most of the time). My mom needed someone to fill her med boxes for her. I bought a month of boxes. My sister was going to take turns filling it. Her first months she only filled a few days and would call to tell me I needed to come fill the rest! I lived 2 hours away and both my husband and I have pain and fibromyalgia from a bad car accident. She lived only an hour away, was healthy, and had lots of free time. After a few months, I was the only one filling the med boxes. After a couple years my dad started having more problems which caused the need for my husband and I to move in full time. At first my sister helped out a few days if I had a doctor appointment and if I scheduled it to her convenience. I had to put off tooth fillings needed, eye exams, etc. for over a year! At that time I then had 3 appointments in 2 months, so she told me she wouldn't help ever again! My husband had to take time off work to help instead. We have not even had a vacation in 5 years! After the last few weeks that my sister helped, the visiting nurse told me she was glad my sister was gone. Surprised, I immediately asked why and asked if my sister hurt anyone. The nurse told me my sister did not do anything really wrong, but she could tell my parents trusted me more and my sister was not as attentive to their needs! My dad also used to get very irritable the day I was leaving for an appointment and the first few days back. He once accused me of abandoning him. One day my dad told me, "Next time you leave, I don't want that substitute to come here." I named off some of the nurses. He said, "No. That one from..." He named the city my sister lived in. I asked him if she hurt him. He said, "No, but she doesn't help me." When my husband started filling in for me, my dad had no problems at all, and I no longer worried he would get the proper care while I was gone. I started remembering things my sister said. I realized she rarely helped my dad dress and sometimes left my parents alone for several hours! Because of balance issues from a severely arthritic knee along with a bit of dementia, it would take him 2 hours to dress and wash in the morning and over 1 hour at night. He would refuse help, so she would just go to bed and leave him alone. My husband and I would act busy and come in and out of the bathroom. My dad would almost always say, "Since you're here, do you mind helping?" I also found that she watched my dad taking his meds from across the room (directly from bottles not prepared boxes). She claimed he never made mistakes when she was there. She said I must cause him to make mistakes by standing too close! Even my dad knew he made mistakes. He was sometimes "befuddled" as he called it. And speaking of mistakes, we always double checked my mom's med boxes after we filled them and after my sister had been there, and she always made some mistakes! My dad's bottles were off, too. So all this led to me realizing that I was the best one for my parents. I knew them enough to anticipate their needs and give them a stable environment. It helped turning some of my anger into thankfulness to God that I was able and blessed to be there. I was far from perfect, but I did what I could learning from my mistakes as I went along. With aging, you just get something figured out, then you have to learn again with each change. Besides having visiting nurses come to help with bathing through hospice, I finally found out about getting free respite help through the Area Agency on Aging. A lady came 4 hours each week to allow me time to get away or to just relax in another room without being the one "on call" for my parents. She just visited and made sure they were safe. Area Agency provided Meals on Wheels as well as a lady to do housework once a week. So ask lots of questions. Find out what programs are available and even free to help you with your mom. I wish I had gotten help earlier than I did, but I did not know enough to ask. Neighbors, friends of my parents, also helped when I really needed it. I just had to swallow some pride and let them know I needed them. From what I hear, some people get help from siblings by telling the painful truth about needing a break. Some siblings really don't realize the hardship you go through. It is not that you don't want to be there. You just get tired out and need a break. It is a full-time job you can't leave at the end of the day. Other siblings, like mine, just have no intention in helping once they find out what a commitment it is. When my parents passed away within a month of each other, I was the one that planned each entire funeral and did all the work, wrote and designed the funeral programs, bought flowers, everything. My sister went on vacation then came back asking how much work was done on the house and when would they get money. And they could not understand why I was grieving! After all, they thought I should have put my parents in a nursing home and went on with life! A hospice social worker told me that I should not expect my sister to do the right thing. That way I will not be as upset or disappointed. That is helping, though sometimes I am still taken off guard. When you have that connection of helping your parents so closely, you form a bond. The grieving later is very difficult. You need to have people around you that are willing to listen and understand. My husband, at first, did not like me crying and talking about my parents or the disappointment in my sister, because he didn't like seeing me hurt. Once I told him that I could not help when my feelings surfaced, and that I needed to get it out and talk and cry in order to get pass it, he was ok, and is now willing to listen which helps. When alone, I cry out. I look for positive messages or supporting stories on the internet. I read Psalms in the Bible or anything about God's love for us. And I pray. I hope you get the strength you need to care for your mom, and that you can feel the special bond you have with her. I know it is awful hard while missing your dad and working, too. Just know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. Breathe. Take time for yourself when you can. And maybe even talk to your mom about your dad? She might be stronger than you think. My dad passed first. I think my mom and I were trying to protect each other. I wish I had not tried to be so brave in front of her. We both needed more hugs. I hope some of my story helps someone. We are on an unknown journey, each different, each trying to find our own way. Best wishes and prayers.
