I’m married, have a home, have my siblings and in-laws that are wonderful. but each day goes by past July 23rd I feel lost. He passed away almost two months ago and I am just walking through each day without knowing how to move forward. he’s been on and off sick most my life. He was a marine in the vietnam war where he was exposed to agent orange 3 different times. My mom had an affair and left him when I was 16. She kicked me out at 18 and I lived with him while attending school and becoming an adult. He was my best friend. He has a hip replacement and two separate lung cancer rounds. Chemo and radiation really did a number on his body both times. He had been cancer free for 2 years, when all of a sudden he was low on oxygen and winded. His lungs started filling with fluid. They found out he had stage for lung cancer. Different than before. That was April. May we started making calls and getting him adjusted. My brother quit his job to take care of my dad full time. I was laid off because of Covid, so I drove 5 days a week an hour each way to help. He was put on hospice June 22 and passed away July 23 in Our family home. My brother, sister and my husband all around him. I can still see his face and feel every single one of those moments the last 5 hours of his life. It’s usually when I’m going to sleep I replay that whole night. It was horrible. And painful. And it hurts. When does it get better. when am I not afraid to be alone. When will I have to courage to visit his mother and look at her without crying. This feeling is numbing.