On March 28th, I reached out to my 68 year old dad to check in on him once per day as I had been doing during COVID-19 times. My mom died 6 years ago from cancer, and he and I are the only family left. He didn't respond, which is atypical. I went over to his house to check on him, worried about what I would find, but hoping he was just asleep. I found his grocery deliveries on the porch, and I immediately knew something was very wrong. I looked in the window and saw my dad, laid out at the bottom of the stairs, but breathing. He was in a gigantic pool of blood. I called the ambulance and told him I loved and him and he would be OK. He was unable to respond. The paramedics arrived quickly and took him off to a hospital. I arrived at the hospital, and they would not let me in due to COVID-19. I waited in the car for a while to be told what to do and where to go. I was told he had severe bleeding in the brain and it was very, very serious. With being unable to go to the hospital due to COVID-19, I decided to be useful and ordered a bio clean company to come to the house to clean up. While there, I found he had been drinking a bottle or two of wine. This is a big deal because my mom made him promise to never drink at home. Which he honored until COVID-19. After putting together his digital use, I figured out my father had fallen down almost 24 hours. He fell down the stairs just an hour after I checked in on him the day before. To add to the situation, falling down the stairs was literally my dad's fear. He had bought his first house after mom my died close to us, and he was so happy there was no stairs. When we had to move for my wife's work and he decided to move and join us, he was scared to death of the stairs in the house he was looking at, but decided to go for it anyway. The hospital eventually figured out he had a stroke, but they have no way of knowing if the stroke was before or after. The week went on, and he never became responsive. So, we had to make a very difficult choice: put a feeding tube in his stomach, keep him alive and send him to a nursing facility that is overrun with COVID-19, or put him on hospice care. My father was a brilliant man and wouldn't want to be kept alive in any form, he would have wanted to die and be with my mom if he couldn't live life the way he wanted to, so we decided that hospice was what he would want. Unfortunately, he never made it to hospice. The hospice facility would not take him without a COVID-19 test that showed negative. My father started having difficulty breathing. We had to say goodbye to him over facetime from one of the nurses because of the COVID-19 situation. We have no idea if he heard us or not. My wife and I are absolutely crushed. We have no idea if he had a stroke while walking down the stairs and fell, or if he fell because he drank too much that night. My wife feels like his death is her fault because we moved our whole family out here for her job, and the job went to shit almost immediately. I feel like it's my fault because I didn't push harder to get him to not drink at home. He mentioned getting a growler off the cuff, and I just let it go. I also feel like it's our fault because my wife had gotten a test for COVID-19, and we sent a message with the test results to the family thread, but apparently it was the wrong thread, and my dad didn't get notified, so he spent four days extra worried about us. I'm worried the stress (which he didn't handle well) contributed both to his drinking and his stroke if he had one. We also know this line of thinking brings nothing but pain, but we can't shake it. After my mom died, my dad and I's relationship changed. He became not only my dad, but also my best friend. He was literally my only friend out here. I feel so alone and empty now and our current context is making things worse. Every time I close my eyes (and often when they're open), all I relive is the terror of finding him in a pool of his own blood.