Lost my Dad and became a mum during COVID

Hi there,

I lost my dad who was also my best friend in July 2020. He was battling Cancer and was all clear. I live in Ireland where my husband is from and he and my family were/are in England.
He suddenly developed symptoms in the brain and within two weeks became end of life.
I was in end stage pregnancy and couldnt go home due to that and Covid. He died at home with the care of my mum and my brother but I wasnt there.
He passed and I gave birth a day later two weeks early. My son was unwell in hospital for a week and due to covid no visitors to us. It was all a trauma.
My son is amazing and I feel so blessed and almost like he was sent to me. But I find being a mum so hard at times and I dont feel I've had the time/headspace to breathe.
I cant travel home to be with my family due to Covid. My husband is good and his family are nearby and great.
8 months have passed now and I am still in pain with grief every day and still cant believe it has happened some days.
I feel like I have exhausted my husbands patience of my tears so I try not to cry in front of him anymore. Covid restrictions here are tough and we cant meet anyone so it can get lonely.
I'm sure things will get a little easier when I can see some friends and family. I've been told the pain of grief never goes.... the thought of bearing this forever is awful. I have moments of true joy....I'm trying to hard to be positive outwardly and I do have a lot of be grateful for.... but inside I am in pain every day.
Would love to connect with anyone...maybe a new mum too? I dont feel like i have anyone else to talk too....even reading this back is so unlike me. I normally am happy/bubbly/confident etc.... still am on the outside but not so much inside.
I think one of my biggest struggle is deciding what I believe...I want so badly to believe he is still here in some form but my stupid science brain wont let me have that comfort