Lost in guilt

Yes, we have to forgive ourselves or we will not have any reason to go on.

 

I just realized from someone else's post that I try my best to avoid anything confrontational. I am like you, I just don't want to talk about anything serious. I am so disinterested in almost everything--you might say 'numb'. It was the only way I found to survive the trauma and loss, by telling myself every time the thoughts began: "don't think about that", and trying to distract myself with something else, so my brain now doesn't want to think about anything, I guess.

 

I think we are a mess, aren't we? lol

 

It will definitely take time. I read that repeating these statements in the mirror could be helpful.. I've said some things out loud but never looked at myself while saying this specifically

 

I understand what you're saying for sure. I also am a new mom so I feel like I'm 'distracted' a lot but I do wonder if grief will come in even harder as me and Ava develop a routine. This is quite random but the thought of me not conveying how special her dad was scares me too.. like she wont ever get to meet him :/

 

Ahhhhhh we are beautiful messes still

 

I was told by a therapist that my thoughts about my situation when I was a child, just keep repeating themselves like they are on a tape recorder; so, he told me I would have to 'tape over' those thoughts every time I recognized them starting. I had to tell myself the truth over and over and over to let the 'little girl' in me know that everything was different now that I am grown. I no longer was under the threat of violence or trapped as I was then.
I know your situation is completely different, but I think the same principle applies. Whenever you recognize negative thoughts trying to overtake you, repeat to yourself something different than those thoughts.

 

For example whenever someone was angry and I began to panic, I would tell myself, "You are no longer a little child trapped in a violent situation. If someone is angry it doesn't mean they don't love you. If you want to leave, you can leave." And one day I realized I had calmed that part of me down so that when someone got angry, I no longer panicked.
I hope this helps in some way. I said this because of what you were told about repeating statements in a mirror.
It also help to express your feelings in writing in a journal or on this site.

 

What you said about the thought of "not conveying to Ava how special her dad was" doesn't have to happen. I am sure he had many good qualities, and those are the things she needs to know.

 

I feel that could be very helpful ... it's like retraining or requiring your brain essentially. I have also read for every negative thought that pops up in your head try and follow it up with 3 positive things..

 

I am happy to hear about how this worked for u. It sounds like something I need to give a try. Ya know.. I used to journal so much but stopped after a while bc I felt like my abusive narcissistic ex was reading them and using them against me. I felt like my privacy was so violated and then to be made fun of on top of it didnt go so well :/ Scott saved me from that relationship.. he is a hero to me in so many ways I swear. Honestly, I feel like this site is great but I try to make sure I'm not getting too carried away with my own things ..I wanna make sure I provide support too for others

 

Oh he sure did .. I would not be the person I am today if it wasnt for meeting Scott. He helped me so much with self worth and emotional wellness, stability .... he is my hero.

 

I am glad to hear you you had a very positive experience with Scott. You have a lot of adjustments to make, but I have confidence in you that you can do it. Give little Ava and your other children a hug from me, and give yourself a hug also. Hang in there.
Chris

 

Thank you. It's just little Ava for me and Scott but he has 2 other children that I see 1 from time to time so that's good... it's all so overwhelming indeed.. but only constant is change though

 

I hope you will be able to find some support through friends, neighbors, or relatives.

 

His family definitely helps but without going too far into that, a few are feuding since Scott has passed and I'm kind of in the middle :/ I keep talking to him asking for help to see if what I'm doing is wrong and how to go about this. It's been very stressful

 

I am glad to hear from you.
Yes it is all so very overwhelming.
Being put in the middle must be so hard for you. It is bad enough to have to grieve over someone you love so much without any extra burden being added in. I pray God will grant you His wisdom to know exactly what to do. Just do what seems right at the time. That is all we can do. We can't expect perfection out of ourselves because that is impossible.
We must not only forgive others for their failings but also ourselves. We make many mistakes and thank God He is full of grace and mercy and is willing to forgive our sins. It cost Him a great price to show us how much He loves us. We must always believe in that.

 

I ideally would like to think everyone will end up getting along but that's not realistic I guess.. I do want to make sure Ava knows his family but see, it's hard for me to look past certain things but since I have thoughts that I would like to be drama free one day with everything, I want to keep everything open .. anywho, how was your weekend??

 

My weekend has been fine, thanks for asking.
We had some rain which is good for the flowers my husband has planted. He spends most of his time in the summer outside working in the yard, which is good. It seems to give him peace of mind. He gets 'stir crazy' in the winter when he has to stay inside.
Getting out in God's beautiful creation does give peace. Try to take a walk out in the fresh air every day whenever you can.
I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.

 

That sounds pretty nice honestly .. I gained about 70 pounds with Ms. Ava so I need to be working on getting that off !