Lost in guilt

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by Foreverhis, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. Foreverhis

    Foreverhis New Member

    I lost the love of my life on March 17th. He had been clean almost a year since his last relapse. He inspired and helped so many people. Everyone thought he was a success story. I found him unresponsive after apparently using heroin laced with fentanyl. I was 38 weeks pregnant and he was so excited. He had never been happier or healthier. He constantly thanked me for the happiest years of his life.

    Now looking back I realize he had been using for over a week before his death. I feel so guilty for missing the signs. If I had caught it earlier he might still be here. If I had paid more attention, checked his call logs and GPS... I could have caught it right away. I let my guard down and now he is gone forever. Maybe if I wasn't so tired and cranky, hadn't snapped at him... made sure he wasn't so stressed out. The night before I know something was going on. If I just searched and found the drugs I could have thrown them away. I also feel so guilty for not finding him sooner that morning. I was right upstairs while he was dying alone in the bathroom. Maybe if I found him earlier they could have brought him back.

    He was the sweetest, most amazing man in the world and the best stepfather. My kids are devastated and now I'm about to have a new baby all alone. I just can't believe he is really gone. He loved us so much and he tried so hard but struggled with PTSD and depression. I wish he had just talked to me and told me the truth. I would have done anything to help him. I'm so sorry and I miss him so much every second of every day.
  2. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Member

    I'm so sorry. My son struggled with substance abuse, which was ultimately what he passed away from. We always want to believe we could have done something different. I guess I just never realized how bad it was for him because he was a grown man. He moved out of my home around 20 years old and was so active, loving and a good person. I believe he hid the true depth of his addiction from me since we lived in different cities, states. You just can't accept any responsibility for what happened, IMO. We can't love someone out of addiction...it just doesn't work. I know my daughter-in-law feels guilty and responsible but she isn't. Please take care of yourself and your beautiful babies. Maybe try Al-Anon or another support group? Big hugs
  3. Hali

    Hali New Member

  4. Hali

    Hali New Member

    Your story sounds like mine. My son was so smart, college educated, and worked everyday. He lived in a different state than me but when he visited me I didn't notice anything different. When his daughter couldn't contact him by phone she went to his home and found him, he had been dead for 2 or more days. We thought he had died from natural causes but the autopsy should herion acidity. We were shocked none of his family knew nothing about his addiction. I can't believe I didn't pick up on something when he visited me.
  5. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Member

    Yes, it's shocking and we always wish we could have picked up on something. I did think maybe my son drank too much but since he was supporting his family in one of the highest cost of living areas in the country and was so physically active, I wasn't sure. He had a large group of friends, always drinking and BBQiing, hard to know in today's culture. Especially not seeing him all the time, he was 38 when he was in his accident. I was blindsided by the drug use. I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been so difficult. My son died alone in his apartment and was found by his friends the next night. Drugs and alcohol are destroying us in this country, ripping apart families, leaving children without their parents, leaving parents without their kids....
  6. Hali

    Hali New Member

    Yes it is so true that drugs and alcohol are destroying our young people. Thank you so much for replying. I know I am not the only one going through this but it seems like I am.