Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by beckym, Oct 5, 2019.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard day, they come out of no where.
    I totally agree, the idle time is so difficult. And when there was idle time we had our spouses or loved ones. Staying busy is hard, Ive lost motivation. Anyone else feel that?
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Cora1961, I'm having a mixed day, sorry to hear you're having a hard day. you're not alone.
  3. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Cora, You and me together. I had the same experience this morning. It was the first day I didn't have anything to do for a while and I found myself down. I finally put my audible tapes on headphone and doing the dishes and mindless things that I don't need to focus on. My audible tapes save me a lot. Its funny I didn't necessarily do much with my husband during the day - he had his thing and I had mine - but he was in the house. The house just feels so empty. I wish you lived near me we could play cards and drink coffee.
  4. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Yes, having someone close would be so nice, just to hang out and do things with. I have my father but it’s not the same. My daughter and grandchildren are going back home tomorrow so I think I am going home with her for a week or so. This virus has everyone crazy and it’s scary to be alone right now. I think if I am going to be home at least I will have company. And children seem to keep your mind so busy. I hope everyone stays safe and healthy. God bless.
  5. Cynthiasusan

    Cynthiasusan New Member

    I am here listening and understanding and feeling connected to your loss and grief. I lost my husband November 2 2019. It was sudden. He went to take a shower and all seemed like a normal Saturday evening. A few minutes later he was gone. Apparently a massive heart attack. When I found him about 10-15 minutes later it was too late. I , like you, knew he was gone but called 911. I still feel lonely and often overwhelmed. Especially at “twilight time” , the end of the day when our hearts turn to home and our loved one. We were married 57 years. I am not used to being alone. I feel so alone and sad. I am retired but am trying to reach out to family and friends everyday so I can visit and stay in connected. Know you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Cora1961 likes this.
  6. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. My husband was my rock and now just the littles stupid things that I can’t do for myself and have to ask for help just overwhelms me and I cry. I hate asking anyone for help but I have to now and I hate it. I think this virus has everyone’s lives upside down and it’s damn scary. I just wish my husband was here and healthy , miss him so much.
    glego likes this.
  7. Cynthiasusan

    Cynthiasusan New Member

    When I ask for help I still get choked up and teary if I have to say that my husband is gone. He took care of so many things that I now need to figure out. Recently the furnace person showed me how to change the filters. Yesterday I was able to do it myself. The struggle goes on and on. But we can only go forward. Sharing is caring—thanks to all willing to share on this list
    Cora1961, glego and ainie like this.
  8. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So far I
    Same here. So far I have learned to change a windshield wiper, fixed my toilet that wouldn't stop running, replaced a broken doorknob, found out where garbage goes (I always just placed it on the end of the counter and it disappeared lol). Seems I have a pattern...something is wrong...I fall apart and sob....I search out "how to" on google...and give it a go. Am starting to think I can survive but I so wish that I didn't have to try to learn so much at this point in my life. I want Mike home and taking care of me again.
    Cora1961 and glego like this.
  9. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Cora, I get what you're saying I'm sure we all do. That special someone that just knows you so well. My husband worked a long day, other times we'd be separated because he couldn't get away from his business, and to be honest he just didn't like to travel (hop on a plane) we did road trips before we got wrapped up in business demands. We were used to be apart from each other, but never felt alone. Whether I was at home or another city I always felt he was with me. Never felt alone, well until now, this is an adjustment. One night the TV remote wasn't working right, I nearly had a meltdown, funny thing is I'm the one that would have been tasked to fix that, but at that moment I felt like what else can go wrong. I'm so grateful for my friends, they help push me through my I just don't want to be here moments.
    Cora1961 likes this.
  10. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Thanks girls. At least I can feel normal and not a crazy woman losing my mind over stupid shit. I don’t know why the last couple of days my mental state has really been down. It’s like everything just happened yesterday but I guess cuz it’s going to be six months on the 6th of April. And I am going stir crazy in this house all alone. I think for my well being I am making a trip to my daughters . Need some life around me.
    ainie likes this.
  11. KIM56922

    KIM56922 New Member

    I have read your post, and feel we have a lot in common. I am brand new to this site, any grief/ counseling. I lost my husband , will be 10 months end of March, we had just finished running a 5 K race, and 30 min after as we were walking to the car, he fell in front of me and died instantly, "widow maker" same as your husband. I am still in shock and denial/ Like you, I also have a career that keeps me busy, and a family of coworkers, that have been tremendously supportive. My family, has all Been here to love and support, but everybodys lives go back to normal, and you are there , just frozen in time... We also have no kids together, so Its just me. I am very close with his family, and his 3 grown children(my step kids)they live in another states... im not sure what I need or want either. For me im still in the denial part of my grief, not believing this is real, and that hes coming back..
    Id love to chat more sometime

    thank you
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Kim, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband is a very similar way. We had a nice Saturday together, yard work, visited my daughter and purchased everything for our Thanksgiving dinner. I had made us chicken rice for dinner and then replacing watching tv. All the sudden Ron had stomach virus symptoms, he was throwing up and felt some better, then horrible chest pains. Called 911 and got him to the hospital, all cardiologists on duty were working on him. In two hours I lost the love of my life. I was told he had a massive heart attack and even if he had seen a cardiologist the day before they wouldn’t have seen anything. They didn’t call it a widow maker but I believe that’s eexactly what it was. He was healthy, no pre ious signs, nothing. This happened 11/17/18, my life was forever changed that day. We were together 24/7, we owned a business together that I had to close and empty our shop. That was so very difficult! We did most of that work during a time we were supposed to be vacationing at Disney World. Ron and myself and our two adult children. Instead we spent that time crying as we went through our shop. And now I have no routine no schedule nothing. We were planning to retire this year in Sept. and enjoy life, and travel the country. Now what?
    Life is so hard after we lose our one and only. I’m glad you have family offering support but you’re right they do tend to go back to their normal lives and that leaves us alone. I’m glad you’re close to his children and family. Talking and sharing and reading other people’s story is so helpful. Keep posting, and let the tears fall, it helps. Everyone on here knows the pain you’re feeling and understands, where as people in our day to day life unless they’ve had such a loss, they really can’t understand.
    There’s a community of people on here that are here for the same reason and will offer support.
    Sending you hugs!
  13. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Hi Robin, how are you doing during this isolation? I have my good and bad days. I have been staying at my daughter and with the grandchildren still so that helps. But I know it can’t last, some day u have to go back to reality. I took my older granddaughter home with me for a week and it helped having her there and someone to watch over and Occupy my time. Hope you are keeping busy doing something and stay safe out there.
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Cora, thank you for asking how I’m doing! I’m not asked that very often. If by chance someone did ask I’d say I’m ok. Cause that’s all people want to hear. But life now just seems hard. And this virus and so I’ll distancing only makes things worse. I try to stay busy, but I’m lacking motivation. I’ve been on this site quite a lot, that helps. I’m happy you can visit and stay with your daughter and grandchildren, I’m sure that helps a lot. My daughter lives close and she comes over quite a few times a week. She’s still actually working so that’s good for her. I drive to her house to have lunch together.
    Everything is just overwhelming, we’re not suffering enough, we have to deal with this virus too. I’m staying out of stores, my daughter gets things we need. Tried ordering groceries but my orders keep getting canceled.
    I woke up to no heat one day and I panicked, turns out the battery in the thermostat died. I’m having to do things I’ve never done and Ron wouldn’t even let me do. I’m checking our fuel level, taking garbage out for pick up, I’ve had to replace a knob. Doable, yes, but I wouldn’t be doing any of these things. I’m sure you’re doing things you’ve never done too.
    My little dachshund Ted keeps me company, he’s my best friend! A while ago I ordered a puzzle of Ron and I with our children I contemplated starting it to keep my mind busy but I’m not sure I’m up to it.
    You stay safe as well, feels like we’re being tested. Lose your loved one, and this virus happens. Ugh!
    Stay healthy and safe!
  15. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    I also hate this isolation, it has taken so much from us, as well as so many support systems. But by having a place to talk with others it at least allows us all to share our special memories of our loved one(s) with others.

    As each day goes by, it is not easy for you. Ron is always with you in spirit, and will be right there with you in your dreams, your tears, your words, and every moment you live for the rest of your life. Sure life can be so hurtful taking away those that we love so dearly.

    That is great you can keep in touch with your children, and I hope you have some special facetime with them. I know I am luckier with my two sons here in the same house, and know for you, days and nights have to be so damn lonely. Just keep all those memories you shared with Ron close to your heart. Never lose them, and reach out for those items of his that were him.

    I know when I lost Nadine I didn’t care much for life anymore, but when I realized how deeply my two sons were still affected it made me realize I had to keep sharing Nadine with them as well. They both have said some troubling things that made me understand that now in life their needs once again came first. I have met and overcome my loss for Nadine, so I strive to help both of them no matter what.

    Robin, that is awesome you are also dealing with all the little things in life. That shows me that you are slowly reaching a point where you can face life somewhat. Just like you pass on to everyone else, your heart, mind, and soul need healing too.

    So just don’t deny the reality, sometimes you as well need to reach out and we will grab your hand, give you a bear hug and some gentle words that will help you face those days that can seem to last ungodly long and unbearable.

    Isn’t it amazing what your spirit can drive you to do without Ron. But I would tell you he gently holds and guides your hand and mindset when things need to be done. So please smile again, life though hard to face some days, it is not lost for you, it just takes time for you to also recover from the loss of Ron.

    That is wonderful you have a pet. Here in my house we have two black cats. One day we realized how lonely our one cat was, she was a street cat, she has a home now. So Chris got her a playmate, another female. Sure they fought at first, trying to claim their own areas, but eventually they both understood, life was so much better for them with each other. Now there is no more fighting, just a genuine peace.

    Never forget to look for those things in life that help you cope. Also realize you are healing just like those you reach out to as well. Sharing helps them, helps you and so many more people.

    For now you take care. Keep giving as your heart will allow it, and one day the Sun will once again shine for you as it does for me now. I promise, it does happen, just give me the benefit of the doubt.


    Here is a melody for you today - Sometimes words are not necessary

  16. Janet2731

    Janet2731 Member

  17. Janet2731

    Janet2731 Member

    so sorry-I too miss my husband of 55 years -he died 6 weeks ago and it’s not the same
    I understand what your going through-they say time heals -I hope so
  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member


    Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    You have no idea how much I needed the post you just wrote. Or maybe you did know. Maybe you read between the lines.

    I just wrote to Paul all about Ron and my business, I probably wrote more then he was looking for. But it made me realize I need to grieve that loss too. Writing about it has me in a pool of tears, but I believe the tears and writing are cathartic and necessary for me. In a sense I lost two people. My loving husband and our business. Which I knew of coarse but I need to talk about the business as well.
    I know Ron is with me and guiding me and I’m thankful we did everything together because he taught so much. I want and need him to be with me and proud of what I’ve accomplished, no matter how big or small. He’s my world and I still depend on him.
    He surprised me with Ted, he found him and took me to meet him, I didn’t know where we were going. Ted’s my companion no matter what. He’s with me.
    You’re so right I do need to reach out more, I do still need that hand hold and bear hug. My son gives the best bear hugs, was supposed to be with him for Easter, but those plans of coarse got canceled.
    Reaching out to others, helps me so much, every single post I write I give my heart and pray I can help even one person feel just a little less afraid or lonely or helpless. If I do help anyone then I feel I’m doing a positive thing.
    David, thank you again, I’m having trouble writing, too many tears right now. But you’ve done me a world of good today.
    Thank you for the song, just what I needed. The peace you feel is what I strive for.