LOST HUSBAND SUDDENLY 6 MONTHS AGO

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by beckym, Oct 5, 2019.

  1. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    No sunshine here today only cloudy thoughts and sadness. I have been gone for a few days with my daughter and grandchildren but then Reality hits when you have to come home to an empty house in silence. I’m still trying to trick my mind that he’s at working it gets harder every day so I just try to run so the reality doesn’t find me But It always does. My friend that lost her husband about four years ago to cancer is still running to this day and can’t get over what happened so how do people expect Me to be OK in just a few months.
     
    ainie likes this.
  2. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Sun out here in California. I finally climbed into the car and drove to LA (6 hours a way) to see my daughter and her family. I was not leaving the house because truthfully I just could bring myself to seem cheerful around my friends or grandkids Normally I am very hands on and they would expect it. I discovered when I arrive that just doing something different help my mood. I had a nice drive and though I was still not very cheery I found no one expected me to be. A lesson for me.
    I can tell from these conversations we are all experiencing the same thing. Rereading Anine and Bogman's posts I can stay watching my husband die at home was the worse experience of my life. I wonder if I had it to do over if I would have had more help at home or had him go to the hospital .
     
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  3. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Good morning Cora and Cathy. Cora ..we can be very sad and very OK at the same time because in fact we would actually be "not OK' if we lost the person we love most and shared everyday with and we felt nothing. So I choose to try getting out...started an Acting class, visiting with family, returned to my painting group. When I become undone and start crying while there I assume they can handle it. If I have to handle feeling like this 24/7 they can deal for a few minutes! I have cried a couple of times in front of my grandchildren and surprisingly they are better with it than most adults. They climb on my lap and give me a hug and say "I miss G-pa too" . My painting group was the most difficult...I lost it and started really sobbing, not just the watery eye thing, had to leave but will return this week. I choose to believe that tears of grief right now are OK and not embarrassing.

    Cathy...HUGS. I was trying to get Mike home with hospice care but he never got stable enough to make the transfer. I feel guilt for feeling relief that he wasn't at home when he died. The palliative care unit was very peaceful with pleasant homelike decor but I knew he wanted to be home. I think we do so much searching for what could have happened differently/better that we forget "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should".
     
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  4. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    Tears of grief are indeed OK and shouldn't be embarrassing !! I had some people over to the house Saturday evening for a night of darts, music and a couple of beverages, it was the first time since Cathi's death I had felt like having company, I've been out with people but did it because I thought it would be good for me to get out not because I wanted too. I really did enjoy having people over and at the end of the evening one of my friends and I found ourselves alone for a few minutes and I told her that this was the first time I felt like having company since Cathi had passed, which lead to tears ( ok a bit of sobbing ) and a long hug, this journey is such a roller coaster ride !!??
     
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  5. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Glad your Saturday was good, at least for a few hours. It's good to find some enjoyment to help balance the pain and sadness. My pastor said to me that a good memorial to someone we have lost is to think about their best qualities, what we loved most about them, and try to emulate that. Mike was a kind, social, loving, strong person. I will never be as good as he was but in his memory I'm trying.
     
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  6. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I think your pastor has the right idea, not easy to do but we all can try !!
     
  7. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    My first outing was to come to LA to see my daughter, her husband and 4 kids. My daughter tried to make things smooth for me such as no demands (I am usually very involved when I am here with cooking, babysitting etc). I found that I enjoy being with the kids and all the chaos is sometimes is overwhelming but realized that stepping outside my grief for a few minutes a day is good for me. I am not totally successful. I find myself trying to sneak back into the guest room to bury myself in my "alone" time but overall I am doing better than I expected.
     
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  8. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hugs Cathy. Sounds like you are doing exactly what you need. Kids are so full of love and life that they can teach us a lot. I expect to never find "total success" because if that means never crying for my sweetie again then I don't want that. Life is like the weather - always changing: sunshine and rain, light and darkness, heat and cold. I think maybe I am learning to "not fight the river".
     
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  9. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I too would never want to stop crying, I don't think you get " better " I think you learn to live the new reality, possibly wiser with the knowledge of this unwanted experience we're now going through. We will be different but that doesn't mean we can't once again be happy, whatever that looks like ??!!
     
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  10. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I think you are lucky to cry. When I cry I feel so much better afterwards. It relieves so much. I don't know if it is me or what but somehow the tears don't come which makes me feel worse.
     
  11. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    And just a funny aside (I guess we all need humor). I arrived to be taken care for a few days by my family, however, the housekeepers and nanny called in sick today, All 4 of her kids (under 9) are sick and one dog is dying so dragging himself along on his two front legs and when he falls over it takes some with Popeye muscles to lift it up into walking position. My daughter is in graduate school. Maybe you see the scenario today. I am in charge. I will check in late. On of my 2 year old twin grandsons said" Grandma, wheres Grandpa?" and the other twin says "His body stopped working"
     
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  12. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    Sorry but I do see some humor, so much for taking care of grandma LOL
     
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  13. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Perfect explanation by twin 2. Grandma is getting a work out today. Pampering tomorrow??
     
  14. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    My grandchildren are only 8 and twins are 3 so I don’t know if they really understand. But the 8 year old says her papa is in heaven with great grandmother so maybe?? But it’s so nice to talk and see pictures every night with them. It brings me happiness and tears all at once. Maybe some day I will be able to talk without crying but not yet. Miss him every day and night . He was my heart and soul and still is.
     
  15. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Well I survived the grandchild onslaught (they actually are quite cute) and the nanny arrived today so I am back locked into my bedroom. It is difficult to keep a grandma face on when you are grieving. One of my grandsons who is 2 picked up a toy cell phone and said "I am calling grandpa" and I said "say hi" but inside had to hold back a flood of tears. I don't feel badly about crying but little kids get scared by emotions they don't understand so decided not to show any, better to keep making cupcakes with them.
    Cora, I think the 8 year old probably understands some. I was 8 when my grandfather and aunt died and I remember understanding the grief my mom and dad felt and understood they were not returning. I believed them in heaven watching over me (a great thing about religion, the answers are easy to understand). A 3 year old understands when someone isn't coming back and probably is trying to understand the process.
    Its a new day and my daughter wants to cheer me up by taking me for a manicure. I am fond of manicures but I realize she is grieving too so its really for us to be together. Lots of love and support to al of you reading this. Have a good day.
     
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  16. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I've mentioned here before I'm 3 months into this journey ( today is actually 3 months ) anyway I booked a cruise for my kids, grandkids and myself, I booked this shortly after my wife death so we had something to look forward to and to get some much needed time together. Well now I'm wishing I wasn't booked on a corona cruise !!?? Might get a little more bonding time than I bargained for, being quarantined on a ship with a 2 and 4 year old scares the crap out of me lol.
     
  17. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    OMG! I am trying not to laugh because I feel your pain. I guess no one told you not to make changes, plan unnecessary trips or move within a year after your spouse dies. It's possible the cruises might allow you to cancel but you will need to check. Tell your kids exactly what YOU need. For example, if I was on the trip I would tell them that I need 4 hours during the day in my room talking to no one. Take control, your kids will understand. They know you are suffering and want you to be happier. Hang in there. 3 months is such a short time ago. At that point in my grieving, I was still in panic mode. When is the cruise?
     
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  18. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    we set sail on March 15th so just another week to the virus to take hold in North America, I've already called and tried to cancel but no luck !!? It's OK if you laugh, I laughed because of your story yesterday so now we're even lol.
     
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  19. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Reading through some of your recent posts, they made me chuckle too. That’s such a different emotion. Haven’t felt that in a while. So thank you for that.
     
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  20. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    LOL...Good luck with the cruise. My daughter and her family just got back yesterday and my grandson has a cough...doc said he is not to attend school until he is cleared. The ship didn't stop at any "hot spot" countries but there were Italians on board which is now a "hot spot" and spent time in Florida before and after sailing so he is fits the "self isolation" criteria. He always gets colds so we absolutely don't think he has Coronavirus but guess they have to be careful. He is happy to stay home from school, not so happy to miss his hockey practices and games!