LOST HUSBAND SUDDENLY 6 MONTHS AGO

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by beckym, Oct 5, 2019.

  1. beckym

    beckym Member

    I am new to this site and looking to "talk" with someone. My husband died suddenly April 3rd of Cardiovascular Disease. We did not know he had this disease and it was a huge shock. He was retired and had mowed the yard that afternoon. I came home from work and found him sitting in a chair on the back porch slumped over in a chair. I called 911 but I knew I had lost him. I had just talked with him less than 4 hours earlier and he was fine. The required autopsy indicated he was in rough shape and we did not know it. The heart attack he had is called "widow maker" as there is not much warning and happens quickly. I have had a couple of doctors tell me that is how they want to go. I am sad and angry as I was not ready to lose him but am grateful he did not linger or suffer long. Last month (September 19th) would have been our 27th anniversary. He was my best friend, soul mate and rock. I am still in shock to a certain degree Most days I do okay, but it's the little things that get to me, then I fall apart. I don't have any children, he did but I'm not very close to them. I am close to my brother who checks on me often. I also have 2 grown nieces. I know they love me and want to help. My brother always want to do something for me but I don't know what they can do. They are all busy with their own lives and families. I have a very busy career and a phenomenal work family. I am very close to some of them and see them more than I see my family. My job and taking care of household matters keep my mind occupied but sometimes I want to just sit, think of him and our wonderful life together and cry my eyes and heart out.
    I'm not sure what I need or want, other than wanting the pain to end. I lost my mother (after a year long illness) almost 3 years ago. Her last year was a difficult one and my husband was my strength and rock during that time. As difficult as it was losing my mother, losing my husband/ best friend has been so very different and more difficult.

    Thank you for listening
     
  2. beckym

    beckym Member

    I forgot to mention he was only 67.
     
  3. beckym

    beckym Member

    I just realized I should have put this under "Coping after sudden loss". I'm not sure how to move it, so I'm copying and pasting it there.
     
  4. Rookies wife

    Rookies wife New Member

    Hi, I am also new to this site. I lost my hubby on June 23 after being sick and a long roller coaster ride of ups and downs in the hospital for 69 days. I struggle daily and relive that day In my head over and over. I had to make the decision to shut his machine off while my husband could still write notes and tell me how he felt. He wanted to live. He was scared. He was also suffering. I miss him terribly bad. I don’t know how I’ll ever survive without him! It’s very lonely and very painful! I’m sorry I’m not much help and I don’t have any answers but I can definitely share the heartache and loss we both feel! I’m sorry you are going through this but maybe chatting with someone that understands the emptiness is a good thing!
     
  5. beckym

    beckym Member

    Thank you for your reply. I am sorry for your loss also. I also relive the moment I found him. I can't help it.

    I'm not much help to you either but like you said maybe just sharing with others who are going through the same thing helps.
     
  6. REJ

    REJ New Member

    Hi, I’m new to this site and feel drawn to your post. I lost my husband in December 2014 from a sudden cardiac arrest. We’d known he had a heart problem since 2006 but it was well managed. He died at work, we both worked for the same company. One moment he was working, the next he was gone. The shock is something I’ll never forget but the reason I wanted to leave a message was to say, hang in there. The pain is unimaginable and can’t be put into words that would help others to understand. All I can say is hang in there. You will, over time, find a way to manage the pain but it will take time. Sending you my heartfelt condolences.
     
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  7. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    I have also lost my husband in October 2019. He was only 59. He got sick in March 2019 and we thought that he only had a blockage in his bile duct of the liver, come to find out after three ercp procedures, he had cancer and it had spread. He was doing chemotherapy and was doing better, we thought. But second round of chemotherapy didn’t help and it spread more. He was a strong man and worked up until a week before he passed. He was my heart and soul and I don’t know how to let go. My children and grandchildren have been a blessing and I believe they are saving my life right now. Plus my father is 83 years old and is still grieving my mother whom we lost 4 years ago. They were married for 58 years. I think my husband knew he was going to pass fast because he told me the day before that our lives were going on a different path but I just didn’t understand at the moment. I am so sad without him but I am happy that he didn’t suffer like some others that we have seen. It’s just shocking that it happens so fast. I think I am still in shock and it’s hard on me when I don’t have anything to do or at night when I am alone. And I just wonder if we could of done more somewhere else or if we didn’t do anything or know who he have lasted longer. So many ifs and it drives u crazy. But I love talking about my husband and a lot of people just don’t understand what I am going through. Thank you for this site so I can feel like someone is listening.
     
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  8. Sammyd1223

    Sammyd1223 New Member

    Hi
     
  9. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Hi, sammyd1223
     
  10. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    How are you doing now? I am in the same boat you are and I know it is a long process. I am trying to go and be social but it is like one step ahead, and two steps back.
     
  11. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Beckvm, Rookies wife, REJ, Cora, and Cathy Jeanne....I was having a very lonesome evening....I read this conversation and realized I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing. My husband died Oct 11/19. He fought cancer for 10 years and they told him he beat it three times, no so the last time. For the last 15 months he could not eat or drink: only got formula and fluids through a tube in his belly. It was so horrible to see a vibrant, intelligent, strong man fade away slowly in front of my eyes. Sudden for those of you must have been terrible...things left unsaid and undone. And losing him slowly was also so terrible, too much time of feeling sad and helpless to find a cure. We have all suffered and ended up here. And Beckvm you are so right this is so different nothing could prepare us. In the past I have lost my mom, my dad, and two of my brothers. This is SO DIFFERENT! My whole life is gone. With time I'm sure I will rebuild a new life but I never wanted to face that at 64 years old. Hugs Ladies.
     
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  12. Kiers

    Kiers Member

    You did the best you could at the time and that’s all we can ever do.
    Kiers
     
  13. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    I can’t imagine the pain and sorrow of watching your love one suffer. My husbands cancer was fast and I asked god the night he passed to please don’t make him suffer and have mercy. Even though I didn’t want my husband to pass, I couldn’t of watched him suffer and he would not of wanted me or the kids to see him like that. He told me that ours lives were going on a different path but I didn’t realize what he meant. Now I think about everything and know that he knew and was at peace with it. He was such an awesome man , friend, husband , father and papa and it’s just so weird that he isn’t here with me anymore. I think I am still in shock. U never think your life is going to turn out this way.
     
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  14. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

     
  15. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Here I am talking again. It is nice to share. My husband was in so much pain the last three days at home I carry this guilt that I couldn't make things better for him. He was pleading with me. That is what was so difficult for me at the end. He did not look the same when he died and I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or sad. Instead i was just in shock. My kids were there and we broke out a bottle of whiskey (that my husband had bought in Scotland) and we all drank it (well actually I didnt). The first two months was best described as horror. I took medication for anxiety so was dazed but under neath i was in shock. When I cry now I am grateful because it took me a long time to just cry hard, maybe a month or two. Have you been able to clean out your spouses closet yet ? I can't. I just stare at his clothes and wear his socks and his old shirts. It makes me feel better.
     
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  16. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    We all feel guilt at times but deep inside we know we did the best we could with what we knew when we knew it. For me the first couple of months were very sad but sort of ok...I took care of paperwork, did what needed doing, made a quilt with blocks from his shirts for the front and blocks from his pants for the backing, made a cushion from all the ties our daughter had bought him over the years for her. I was able to cry, scream, curse and generally emote. Good thing I have no neighbours real close or they would have had me committed. But then month 4 came and I came out of auto-pilot, woke up, fog cleared or something...now they pain is in every cell of my body....He is really gone forever. I have read that this is a common stage so I shall preserve.

    As far as his things: I used his clothes for the quilt but had to hang his cut shirts back in the closet, wasn't ready to see that space empty. He was a mechanical collector...I have sold 4 of his vehicles. Now I am just letting my self pick at his things...moving, donating, or tossing just a few things each week. I put things in a box, wait a couple of days, if it is ok I let it go, if it hurts too much I take it out a put it back where it was.
     
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  17. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Ainie, the grieving process is just that - a process. I went to bed last night feeling fine, woke up again feeling lost. Checking this site helps. I realize today that grieving is like pealing an onion, there is always a layer right below. Today I remembered all of the little things he did for me that I took for granted. He was a good cheerleader for my work, my opinions, my ideas and I thought it was I was so great, now I realize its because his support made me great. Most of my success and confidence was a result of his love and enthusiastic support. I am embarrassed to say I didn't do the same for him. I think I focused too much on his flaws, being the perfectionist I am. I hope he is forgiving me where ever he is.
     
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  18. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Hi ainie your post resonated with me, my wife passed in December so almost 3 months have passed by. She had been diagnosed with cancer in September by November it had spread to the brain, I was seeing changes in who she was which was so difficult but on December 4th a couple of the tumors in her brain ruptured and we had the awful decision to pull her off life support or have surgery performed to relieve the pressure in the brain cause by the blood from the rupture knowing that permanent damage had already been done to the brain at that time and the surgery would have prevented treatment for the cancer for an extended period, we decided to pull her off life support and she passed in the early hours of December 5th. I find myself wondering if I had went the other direction and had the surgery done where we'd be today and I read your post above and think of how awful it must have been to watch your husband fade away and it confirms we did the right thing....I think ?? You're so right this is SO DIFFERENT than the other losses experienced in my lifel, your also right with time rebuilding a life can be done. Dan
     
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  19. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Dan. I do think you can rest assured you did the right thing. My husband believed in fighting to the very end and I honoured his choice but it was so brutal. I have too many memories of him being so sick for so long. He never complained and was a very good patient but it was long hours of care. We lost our friends in the last year and a half as he had half of his tongue removed because of a tumor there. They used part of his left arm to reconstruct but it never went well. He did, with a lot of therapy, learn to speak again but not easily so we couldn't even talk much for the last 15 months. And like I said he never learned how to swallow again. Friends felt too awkward to visit when food, drinks, and conversation aren't possible.

    But today the sunshine feels like Spring! In the mornings I usually feel hopeful and know that life goes on. In the evenings I miss him so much.
     
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  20. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Thanks anine I was lucky to have had a conversation with my sweetheart about what to do if things took a turn for the worse and she didn't want to be kept alive by machines or any with serious brain impairment which was the situation on the day we made the call. I was all on board to be the caretaker but seeing your loved one in so much pain is so difficult, your story sends shivers down my spine !! No sunshine here today but I'll pretend it's out :)
     
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