Lost extra-marital affair boyfriend

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by SecretWife, Jul 30, 2019.

  1. SecretWife

    SecretWife New Member

    I met a man through social media. We connected because of our love of photography. My spouse was always on the road and when he was home, he never wanted to go out or do anything. I'd ask him many times to join me on photography walks with other local people also met through same social media platform. He always said no. When husband was out of town, I'd meet up with this also married man to explore new places both in his city and around mine. We always had so much fun together. We fell in love. We spent nearly everyday together either physically or electronically.

    He was married to a woman who was not a nice person. All she wanted to do was stay in her room and read fantasy books.

    2 years into our affair, he was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. His wife and his step daughter attacked him, tried to strangle him, but he had nowhere to go. His wife didn't want to take him to his treatments. So I drove 45 minutes from my house to his to take him to where ever he needed to go. I loved him. I wanted him to live.

    3 months after his diagnosis he started going downhill. He moved 3 minutes away from me. He wanted to be closer to me so we could spendmore time together. His wife either thought we were just really good friends or she was in denial that we were having an affair. Either way, she knew I was in her house, she stayed in her room with her books. She is also not in good health

    He could barely swallow. His wife never attempted to make him anything he might be able to eat. I did. I took on her role to try to ease his pain. I cooked soups blended things that were too big to go down his closed up esophagus due to the tumor. Treatments weren't working, The cancer was way too aggressive.

    We spent a lot of days smoking weed and coloring to try to distract us both. A year after his diagnosis, he got a huge blood clot in both legs that they could do nothing about. He knew he was dying. One early AM, his biological daughter (who knew about her dad and I, but didn't care because she wanted him to be happy and she hated her dad's wife) called to tell me the clot broke free, he'd had a stroke and wasn't going to make it through the night. My husband wasn't home, so I went over there and told him goodbye and stayed until he passed. I will be forever grateful that she called me.

    It has been almost 3 years and I have been grieving mostly alone. A couple of my friends knew about him, but they didn't know what to say or do to help me.

    I don't regret my actions, I'd do it all again (without the cancer of course.) I gave him the best 3 years of his life before he died. I learned so much from him and about myself. I miss him every single day.

    I just need someone to talk to
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine it's very hard to find people to relate to as yours was a unique situation. But one thing I believe you do have in common with anyone else who is on here is that you have loved deeply, you have lost, and now you hurt deeply.
    This sounds like a very real and very true love and I imagine you are hurting as much from not being able to openly grieve as you are from the loss itself. Had he been recognized by family and friends as your spouse, partner or boyfriend you may have a larger network of people who would be reaching out and providing validation. And without that I'm sure it can feel especially lonely at times.
    I'm sorry for all you've gone through and continue to go through, but I'm glad you've reached out. We are here to help and I hope we can provide some support to you~
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Secret wife.
    Of couse, the loneliness and the loss are a part of true love and connection. Sounds like you did your best. Your person is so fortunate to have had a caring person in his final days. I will just say thank you for what you did. His institutional life was past the ability to be there. In every other way, you were. So many want what you had. He did not have to face the end alone. Now you gather your self and fell the pain of loss.

    Best to you.
    Paul M.