Lost everything and everyone

I lost all family that I thought would know and support me through times that I would need support. I don’t understand it. I have lost my children due to being poor. I’m disababled and draw 770.00 a month my mother and I had a house together she got ill and left and I was left behind and I lost electricity, the kids, the house. Was living on the streets for 3 years sucking cops, mean people, and my ex. He was abusive would not work and strange things were going on I don’t know who he is or my life. I have been told that he passed away March 30th with his death he left behind terrible lies about me and my life that have destroyed my name. I have no one. The same with my mother she passed away January 2017 and her lies have destroyed my life all I done was in vane. I don’t know why God would want me in this situation. I don’t understand why this happened. My gain was self and I know I can’t trust but the grief is so cruel. I miss my two children but they followed their father in lies.

 

Sucking cops is suppose to be ducking

 

I mean I would hide from them because I was scared of them.

 

My wounds are deep and I don’t know how to stop the grief and fear. I’m afraid of them coming back. I know it sounds strange but it would a paradox to tell you why and what happened. And I’m tired and I’m tired of hurting. I have trusted the lord and it is with him but I don’t know how to get the pain to go away.

 

im Afraid of them coming back means like afraid they are not dead like rusty and my mom could come back and hurt me more the lies were terrible and the life I lived with them was horrid.

 

They were so abusive and the lies were terrible. PTS, and fear. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes it is hard for me to believe they are dead because they were evil. I’m telling the truth.

 

It’s the pain, fear, and grief. I don’t know or understand what I’ve been through for the past 7 years maybe longer than that let’s say all my life none of it makes sense now.

 

I lived as a poet thinking with the sky in my head tossed with universal ideas of love then I found a quote that philosophy is a sin... that throws out all. lol yeah I still laugh but the pain don’t.

 

I was romantic I love with a mysterious idea that some hero was going to make everything right then I crashed into reality and found their is no truth except for owning up to the truth. And accepting the fact that no one really cares and to scream I’m ok. Because if I’m not ok how will I be ok? How will I live through this if I’m not ok...?

 

Accepting the fact that I don’t know. I do. There is a Hero.