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Lost Both My Parents in July - Complicated Grief

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Wendy73, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. Wendy73

    Wendy73 Guest

    I live across the street from where my parents lived. I did so to help them as they aged. In 2014, my father was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and refused to stop drinking but was taking his meds. I took him to every appointment and stayed up to date on his meds. In December of 2016, my mother had a massive stroke and didn't come back so well as she was diagnosed with dementia. This last year, I seen my parents go from smiles and laughs to sad and scared. On July 17th, my dad called and told me to get over there that mom wasn't doing good. I called the ambulance and met them up at the hospital as my dad was unable to walk or move as he took a spill the Saturday before. My mom was dying and I had to make my way into the room with her to be with her as she crossed over. They were working on her for 30 minutes and I heard and seen it all and tried to wait until my brother got there. I couldn't wait any longer as I'm hearing her ribs crack, seeing her lungs deflate and watching her color change and asked them to stop. I lost my best friend - my mother. My life was all about her since her stroke on 12/5/2016. Everything I did was for her. I was lost and deeply saddened but still had my father. I sat with my father and hugged my father and I don't think he knew how to take it as it's been all about my mother since 2016. I assured him she's in a better place and for now it's me and him and were going to live the rest of our lives as happy as we can be and that I will always be there for him. He can work on himself now and pay attention to himself and he made me his power of attorney over his health. On the 22nd of June, my father was like choke-coughing as if he might have a bout of pneumonia. So we called the ambulance and my father was admitted. No pneumonia but his sodium was low. They released him on the 23rd. My fiance went over to see him on the 24th and noticed a pill bottom knocked over and my dad wasn't waking up so we ended up calling the ambulance again. They asked me if they could give him some fluids and some oxygen to get his blood pressure back up and I said yes. My dad just didn't want to be hooked up to machines to live. He was a DNR. Later that night my dad woke and knew he did something stupid. You see, my dad wasn't trying to end his life he just never ever read the entire instructions on anything especially this time his Xanax to where it was take 1 pill 3 times a day as needed to relax. He just read take a pill to relax and took too many. We went to visit him on Friday and he looked so much better but that choke cough was still there and I kept on asking them what is that? So they did a swallow test and he passed but ok why is he still choke coughing? The doctor told me he would look more into it. As I never had time to grieve my mom yet, I told my dad that I was staying home that Saturday and I'll be there Sunday. He agreed and called me back later and said they are releasing me tomorrow so make sure to be here by 12:30pm to pick him up. I was thinking great! I can finally sleep tonight since he's ok. I wish I didn't! My dad's heart stopped around 8am Sunday morning and ignoring his advanced directives, they put him on life support. I found out around noon when my aunt called me to get up there. I seen my dad and it's not what he would of wanted. He was bleeding internally (which is why he was choke coughing) and couldn't breathe without the machine. His body was seizing violently 8-10 times per minute. They did a cat scan to see if he had any brain damage but they couldn't get a good read because his body was consistently jerking from the seizures. Now, here I am reliving my mom all over again because the hospital decided to put him on life support and ignored his DNR. They asked me to come back in the morning as they are going to sedate him to get a better read and do a brain wave test. I do this unable to sleep and decided i'm not sleeping my dad is suffering and alone so I went back up to the hospital. They did the cat scan already and the lady did the brain wave test shortly after I got there. So here I wait but in my heart of all hearts I knew he was gone. Apparently he was too sedated and they wanted us to come back the next day but the neurologist told me that with him having heart issues and bleeding internally and being down for 20 minutes without oxygen as they worked on him that it didn't look good. I called his doctor in. She came within the hour and we spoke privately. She told me that my dad was in end stage heart failure. You see I use to get mad at him for not taking care of my mom. The thing is he couldn't and he never told any of us that he was as sick as he was. The whole time I thought he was selfish and I couldn't be anymore wrong as he was the most selfless man i've ever known as he didn't care about himself, he just wanted his wife taken care of. I spoke to all our close friends and family and everyone agreed to go through with his wishes. Just as they were about to take him off the machine his doctor whispered in my ear that I was doing the right thing. That my father suffered brain damage and wouldn't ever be the same. On July 29th (12 days after my mother) at 4:20pm I lost my first love, my daddy and my rock. I held his hand and talked him through it although I hated every minute of it I did this for him to make it easier on him. I seen an orb come into my dad's room shortly before his final breath and take off which I believe it was my mom coming to get him. I see signs all around and smell certain smells. I know they are my guardian angels but I just want to hold them one last time. How do you move on from losing the 2 most important people of your life in less than 2 weeks???
     
  2. Emerginglight

    Emerginglight Member

    I’m sorry for your loss, Wendy. So dreadful to lose both parents in less than two weeks. I lost my mum in May and my dad about 15 years ago.

    There is no “moving on”, Wendy. Others may say differently. I think We just learn to accept the loss we have suffered and find ways to live with the pain. It’s easier said than done. I know...Losing both parents is sooo overwhelming. I turn to my faith in God to steady me.

    Take it day by day, Wendy. It isn’t easy to forget the memories of our once healthy parents deteriorating before our eyes. Or holding their hands as they leave this world. But we were given a great honor. They were there when we were born and we were there when they passed...We are bewildered and shattered because we loved them so much. They would want us to be okay. We have to find a way to do just that.

    I send you prayers, love and hope...
    Em.
     
  3. Wendy73

    Wendy73 Guest

    I'm doing the best I can. My faith helps me get by and my deacon is always willing to chat with me. I feel like my family could be more supportive, but then they weren't really around before their departure from this world. My oldest niece is taking care of me basically and it's weird because I thought she'd be the last one to do so, but i'll take it. I just want to go back to July 16th and hug and hold them both once more and tell them how much I love them. Unfortunately, I can't in this life time, but I know when it's my time, I'm gonna hug them forever!
     
  4. Emerginglight

    Emerginglight Member

    Wendv, during times like these we see the true characters of our relatives. I found this to be painfully true. I’m glad your niece and church are being supportive.
    I can understand wanting to turn the hands of time back to be with your parents. I can feel tears in my eyes...I truly understand.
    When my time comes, I too will hold my parents for a long time. In heaven, there will be no tears or fear of separation.
    Bless you!
    Em x