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Lost and foggy

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mrs. O, Aug 3, 2019.

  1. Mrs. O

    Mrs. O New Member

    I am Mrs O, I guess I still get to call myself Mrs. though I am lost somewhere between people calling me a Widow and single........ frankly I despise both words. It was not the plan. He was supposed to be by my side. I miss his arms around me ...... I miss him lying next to me in bed...... I don't sleep much anymore without him there, I have tried pillows, his t-shirts on the pillows , nothing works. For the last 5 Month's I have walked around in a fog. Making mistakes that I would never have made normally. I'm in a financial crisis on top of it all because of the loss of income........
    I miss cuddle time, I miss cooking for him, I miss him grabbing my hand as I walk by and pulling me in for a kiss. I miss his wookie yawn in the morning, and the way he didn't talk before coffee. I could go on and on. Or I could just say, I miss everything about him..........I thought maybe it would be getting easier by now, but it's not, my heart is still in a million pieces, and it is not mending.
    Most days I put one foot in front of the other, not really looking where I am going but moving anyway.
    It's funny how the understanding of others wanes after what others feel is an appropriate amount of time, I think what I have discovered Is that it's not that they don't feel you deserve to grieve, it's that they are not comfortable with it. At least that is my working theory.
     
    Lostrightnow likes this.
  2. Julien

    Julien Well-Known Member

    Yes I am 7 months ahead of you in the journey if months matter, and I think somehow they do.
    In that time I have released emotions and rested more and come to conclusions that have helped me accept it though hating it. I still talk about Ted as though he is still here. Maybe that lets me at least include him with conversations with others. The others act like nothing is different pretty much. I have had to sit with myself in the pain but I had done that before in my life. But I believe God is there for us so that is my hope!
     
  3. Mrs. O

    Mrs. O New Member

    Yes God is a huge part of my journey, though I have been a bit stand offish of late. As for talking as if your Ted is alive. I do that so much , but feel as though I have to correct myself, which only makes others uncomfortable, I suppose I should just let it go and carry on with the conversation. I am so sorry you haven't had much or no support . I had so much at first. Somehow people just fall away. They don't want to hear about it anymore. They are uncomfortable. So I stay silent now, for the most part. My sister even said to me "Isn't is better to not talk about it?" I wanted to say no it isn't , It feels better to talk about Bill and my pain. Pain shared is pain lessened no matter how many times you share it. So don't sit in your pain my friend if this is the only place you have to share it , share away. I know for me this is the worse pain of my life. Bill and I shared our pain. Well me more than him I had to pull it out of him. Hold on to that hope my friend hold on to that hope as I will try to do
     
    Julien likes this.
  4. Julien

    Julien Well-Known Member

    Thank you Mrs. O! I recently read an online article (wish I had title,etc. ) pertaining to what is called chronic grief and in that was their explaining difference between grief and mourning with mourning being the public expression and the importance of that in reducing chronic grief. However, in sitting with the pain, I think I learned self nurturance and self love, vs looking for it outside myself. I did realize that people were afraid of the death topic and the emotions it brought up in them. Certainly if ‘mourning’ is how brains begin to assimilate the truth that our loved one is indeed
    Deceased, it is no wonder that some do not reach acceptance. I received kindness from strangers and business contacts greatly. My sisters have not experienced it so they just can’t know. But yes I speak of Ted to whoever and I guess I am more in contact with family and others than I had been but I pretty much keep it light having empathy also for those who don’t know yet how hard this is. I do appreciate this website where we can ‘mourn’. It also helps me compare notes to realize that no I am not crazy or suddenly older or sicker, etc. but in a stage on the map of grief! As to faith, saw somewhere that it is so-called normal to question faith when the ground is shifting underfoot after loss like this. It said we would gradually pull it all back up better than before. Hope..... lives!
     
  5. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    Wow. I can relate. Still trying to cope. Been three months. Still not sleeping and financial struggle is real here too. Living day by day mind and money wise. I am trying to move forward but it seems like for every step I take forward I am taking two back. I have yet to find someone that I can talk to in person. I come from a huge family but nobody understand what I am going thru.
     
  6. John J.

    John J. New Member

    [QUOTE="Mrs. O, post: "I miss him lying next to me in bed...... I don't sleep much anymore I could go on and on. Or I could just say, I miss everything about him..........I thought maybe it would be getting easier by now, but it's not, my heart is still in a million pieces, and it is not mending.Most days I put one foot in front of the other, not really looking where I am going but moving anyway."

    It's sad how the understanding of others wanes after what others feel is an appropriate amount of time to grieve, it's not that not that they don't feel you deserve to grieve, it's that they are not comfortable with it."

    I understand Mrs.O, grief is the "elephant" in the room, and even family sometimes does not understand that our our beloved is still part of our daily life, and we want them to be included or acknowledged in the conversation, not to be the topic of the day but just to be acknowledged as someone who is still part of our life even though they are gone.
    I don't sleep much anymore either since my Georgette is gone. I slept with her ashes beside me on the bed for over six months until I purchased a place for her in the cemetery. Then I slept with her pajamas beside me on the bed and I still do. I shed tears every day in private, sometimes silently in public, because it is not acceptable in our western culture , to be teary eyed for any longer than a few months, when one is grieving, even among family members....Hoping things get easier for you Mr.s O.
     
  7. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    Still missing my husband and it’s been almost four months. Still cry. Still walking like a zombie. I’m suppose to go back to work for a school next week and I know it will be good for me but I don’t know if I’m up for the kids and the smiling faces. I just don’t see where I will ever get going. Help someone.
     
  8. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    this is a hard thing to live through. i lost my husband in july 21 and believe me i do understand. most people have stopped calling me now and i feel more alone now than ever. i think people think you should just get over it now. but you dont get over it at all. i even had someone ask me out. i felt it was the biggest insult that anyone could ever say. my husband had been dead 6 weeks.
    i know all about the fog,i find myself staring at the floor a lot so you are not alone on that one.
     
  9. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    So very sorry for your loss. Kriss my sister just retired from teaching 48 years. I remember her using me as a foil when she would have a cookout for her kids and I was the one to keep them busy while she cooked.

    Your loss like all of ours is hard to come to terms with. Facing kids who are exuberant is a daunting task, when you are living with loss. Just do the best you can and be yourself. It ok not to always smile, kids are pretty smart and will be ok.

    Whatever you do, don't ever give up on yourself.
     
  10. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mrs O, sorry for your loss. Filling that void we all now have is so hard. I sincerely hope you can seek financial help to make that burden easier.

    I kept keepsakes of my wife Nadine and have a painting on the wall of her. Nighttime is the worst part of the day for me, because I have done everything I could to keep me busy during the day. There have been nights where sleep came hard or not at all. I use a fan at night to blow on my face, maybe a distraction of sorts to help my mind wind down.

    All those things you miss are something we might all have in common. As for others saying their regrets to you and moving on - life for you and me and so many others is now different. We are each faced with decisions we might never have faced before, and events that might seem unsolvable. All you can do is take it one day after another. It isn't easy and I know I have taken many missteps.

    Lastly, loss of your husband is real, only you share that with your thoughts. There is to time requirement to move beyond regret, as how you feel is how you feel. Please don't be concerned with how others think you should be over it, they are not you and never will be. I will say a prayer for you and hope you see better days ahead.
     
  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Julien, I too talk to my wife Nadine. I feel better for it knowing I have shared my tears with her.

    Let me share with you how I met my wife. I was in Vietnam. My sister talked to her sorority about me and asked people to write to me. Out of all those that wrote, 4 particular girls caught my interest. I wrote to each of them and over time one of them just seemed to click with me.

    So Nadine and I started sharing so many things of our past. Over time I realized she was so down to earth and I could talk to her about anything. So I wrote as often as I could until I finished my tour and went home. I picked my sister up at college and met all the girls in the sorority who carried all my sisters stuff to my car, and then I finally met Nadine. It to me was the best day of my life - nothing could compare.

    What I never really thought too much about was Nadine was my sister college roommate and also when they moved to another city my sister, and Nadine and two others girls rented an apartment together. I think this old fool of me now understands that my sister really liked Nadine the most and hoped we would work out together. I guess she was right.

    Sorry if this was too much sharing. I hope that God watches over you now. You keep yourself safe and know that there others out there who might be able to talk to you as well. God Bless.
     
  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    John, you are so right that after the funeral people hope you will move on. Until they too have experienced such a tremendous loss (not saying they should) it might be hard for them to grasp the enormity of the loss you have felt.

    It isn't something that got lost, broken, sold, stolen or given away. It is a love you shared with another over time. Only you know how important your wife Georgette was to you. Only you must now carry that loss with you. Your tears are important, your grieving even more so, and I am sure you will never forget her.

    John you keep the faith, and know that time is on your side. Take care of yourself.
     
  13. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Very nice comments above. Lilly Tomlin was here in Seattle a while back. She delivered a line, " We are all in this alone". We expect the word together, of course. A mild laugh line that in essence said yes alone a lot but do appreciate togeather. The modern world is fairly instant. So people do move back to their lives. We lost a lot and I suppose each day count how much. We cared a great deal and that is commendable. Thanks to all that posted!