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Loss of sick parent, delayed grief

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by rosedean, Jul 24, 2018.

  1. rosedean

    rosedean New Member

    I lost my dad in January 2016 from congestive heart failure and cancer at the young age of 62. He began to get sick shortly after he had an LVAD put in about four years prior. The last three years, he fought for his life, spending the majority of it in hospitals. It was brutal. I honestly wouldn't wish his suffering on anyone. Watching him like that broke me inside but I never let him see it. It's been two and a half years since he passed, and I don't think I ever properly grieved. I went through the anticipatory grief the last couple of years of his life, but never really had time to process the actual loss. I am a married mom of two, one of which is special needs, and I was working and going to school full-time when he passed. I was there with him those last few days, taking care of what was left of him (my mom was his caregiver and I helped out as often as possible). Through all of this, I continued on non-stop because that is what he would have wanted me to do. My mom and I had a falling out after his passing (long story, it was bound to happen) and I didn't speak to her for ten months. We are on speaking terms now but I keep her at an arms length. Anyway, I finally graduated in May and here I am now with all of this free time since I am not working or going to school this summer. And so I find myself thinking about everything that happened, before and after, and maybe that's why I've been such a mess lately. I have a great support system in my husband and friends but I think I'm still hurt that I didn't have my mom to turn to like I expected/hoped (which was stupid on my part, I should have known better). I was there for her because she lost her husband of 37 years, and I am her daughter and that's what family does, right? You are there for them when they need you. Yet she never once consoled me for losing my father. Never asked how I was, or how the kids were handling it. And she never will. And I think that's why it's hard. I mean, I talked to my husband and friends occasionally, but rarely have I burst into tears talking about my dad or thinking about him. And here it is two and a half years later, I can't stop crying, but I am sure they don't want to listen to me cry or whine about it. My dad was the hugger, the consoler, the one to talk to or go to, or the one to set me straight. And now he's gone. I don't really have family outside of my husband and kids (and I am grateful for them, don't get me wrong). My dad was it. And I miss him terribly.

    Thanks for letting me share. I'm having a tough day I guess and needed to share with people who might be able to relate.
     
    griefic likes this.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the loss of your father. You certainly had a lot going on during that period. Now that you have finished school, you have time to let everything hit all at once. I hope you will find this site helpful.
     
  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Rosedean, that's exactly what we're here for, I'm so glad you had a chance to share your story. The thing about grief is that it doesn't follow the timeline people would expect. There is a very normal assumption that as time passes we heal from hurts and traumas. What it doesn't take into account is how much did we actually deal with the hurt as it was happening? As strange as it can sound, we can be too busy for grief. But like the laundry, the dishes or housework ---it piles up. And eventually, even if it's many years later, we have to tend to our grief. For most people it will happen in these quiet times when things have finally settled down and there is more time to think. A complicated relationship with a loved one (a mother especially) can't help the situation I'm sure, but the focus needs to be on those who can help you. Explaining perhaps to your spouse or children that although some time has passed you're just now starting to feel the weight of this loss. Ask for patience as you take the time you need to explore the depths of this loss. The loss of a parent is significant, we are forever altered by that. Be kind to yourself and patient with this process. I'm happy you have joined us and are looking for support. It really can make all the difference. I wish you all the best in the days ahead...please take care~
     
  4. Sara K Hatch

    Sara K Hatch Well-Known Member

    Hi Rosedean,
    I feel so sad for you that you and your mom are estranged. Have you been able to talk to her about how you feel since your dad passed? Would it help to write her a letter to express your sadness?
    It's no wonder that you are having delayed grief. I don't know how you would have had time when you were so busy and had many responsibilities. I lost my husband in Dec, 17. I am just now feeling the full impact of missing him. We have two children in their 40s who seem to be very very busy and literally don't have time to come here to visit. I'm not sure how they are doing with their dad's passing. Thank goodness they are both married and have the support of their spouses. I don't think you can have a time limit on grief. It happens when it happens and you do the best you can to keep going and reach out for help.
    Take good care of you.
     
  5. Tzina

    Tzina New Member

    My father, my heartbeat, my soul, my everything, my best friend, my life. An angel sent from heaven was taken from me and now the separation is so cruel I thought I might be prepared since he was not a young man. I knew that losing him would be traumatic but somehow thought it would not happen until I was older. The worst is the double whammy of my beautiful younger brother - my other best friend for life - passing one year later also from cancer. My brother, my angel, and I reminisced and cried and supported each other after Papa left, and now I cry all alone and I keep looking for my beautiful brother's hands and his hugs, but there's just still air. I am sick with grief and have no outlet. Therapists can't handle my grief and you cannot medicate grief. There is a constant yearning for them and an incessant despair that is with me all my waking hours and during my sleep. If I am lucky they visit me in dreams but always very quick and disappear. They say the extent of your grief is equal to the depth of your love. That means I will suffer like this endlessly till my last breath. I do zumba and work full time. I distract myself with movies and music and books on grief and afterlife, but I am always back to the intense sadness. No one in my family or my friends wants or has the capacity to listen to me anymore. The therapists I went to - even the bereavment specialists either told me to get over it or they were yawning and looking at their watches. I am done with that. I'm here because I really need to learn how others live with this. Thank you for listening.
     
  6. Sara K Hatch

    Sara K Hatch Well-Known Member

    Hello Tzina,
    You stated that your father is an angel. Indeed he is, I believe, and he is "closer than your life vein"! I think he and your brother are so very close to you and guiding and protecting you every moment. Yes. There is a veil between this world and the hereafter but just like we can't see an electric current or know how in the world a signal can come all the way from space to our phones and TVs etc. but they all work beautifully. We can see the results of that current.
    I agree that you can't medicate grief and just have to go through it. In less than 2 years I have lost my brother-in-law, my husband and my niece's husband. we three widows live in the same town and are supporting each other as best we can.
    I am in a grief support group which meets once a week. Plus I am able to view Ted talks on U-tube about grief, death, coping with losing someone and other related topics. This has helped me a lot.
    I lost my husband last Dec. There is not a day that goes by when I don't miss his physical presence. Then I remember how he suffered 7 years with Parkinson's disease and was so disabled the last 3. The other two men in our family had cancer and also suffered so much before they passed. Now I personally feel their presence and have had so many confirmations that they are protecting and caring for me. I am very certain that I will be with them again when I die.
    It sounds like you are doing better than you think if you are able to work full time and keep up with exercise. That takes a lot of energy!!!!!!!
    Even though it's hard I try to reach out to someone who I know may be lonely or needing help and that helps me cope with my own loss better.
    I'm glad you have joined this group. I think it will help to share your feelings with us.