Loss of my partner

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by kate73, Nov 16, 2016.

  1. kate73

    kate73 Member

    I lost my partner freddie last year to sucide. There were no signs or previous attempts. He left to go fishing and committed sucide. Im so lost .things were good between us. He had paranoid schizophrenia but was on anti psychotics which were working. Things seemed to be so much better. I supported him fully and was there for him. I simply am broken .he left no note nothing to say why he did what he did. I go over all our conversations over and over again, looking for a clue, what should i have said , maybe i said something wrong. How can i ever get over losing him.he was the love of my life
     
  2. Kalola

    Kalola New Member

    I know how you feel. My husband had lupus and one nite he told me he wanted to go to the store to get something to sleep and never returned. He took his life. That was 3 aug 2014. We were married 35 yrs, he was my best friend. He was so against suicide so it was difficult for me to accept. No note, no sign nothing. I have major survivors guilt. So days are ok, others the tears wont stop. I wanted life to freeze on 3 aug but life goes on and the futher time moves, the futher I feel like Im moving further from him. I hate making new memories without him, I put on a string front but deep inside Im crumbling. I want my old life nack, I want me back
     
  3. kate73

    kate73 Member

    Im sorry for your loss, the survivor guilt is so horrendous. . I felt so guilty that i didn't see his pain, its hard to see that life does go on, but you will always have him in your heart. Be gentle with yourself, a friend gave me sone advice that helped me, she said freddie wouldn't want you to be sad forever, he loved you and would want you to be happy again. Its not easy to think of life without your husband , take it one day at a time, sending you healing hugs xx
     
  4. Kalola

    Kalola New Member

    He use to tell me that if was no longer on this world, he wanted me to find someone and be happy. He was in so much pain, I knew that but i never thought he'd take his own life, he was against it. I am moving forward but I still miss him and still have major survivors guilt. I dont know how to make it go away. My life is moving forward, one grandson anothet on the way and i wish he was here. We talked about retiring and enjoying our gradkids and now he isnt here. And he should be. I just miss him, i miss us
     
    Gloria J likes this.
  5. Gloria J

    Gloria J New Member

    I understand where you are at. I lost my husband of 40 yrs September 1. He was in constant pain and didn't like to take pain pills because he had been clean and sober for 35 yrs. He lived in pain everyday. The day he shot himself we had had an argument for something petty. He went upstairs and shot himself. I had no idea that he even had bullets. He had not been able to hunt for years because of the pain it caused. I feel so responsible for his death. Everyday I tell him I'm sorry and that I love him. We have a daughter that had substance abuse issues but has been clean and has gotten her RN now. She is in terrible shape because she says she had lost the only person that understood her. The holidays are not easy. He always did the cooking and always carved the turkey. I am lost. He was my only man in my life since I was 16. My soulmate is gone. I am diabetic and was woke up from a dream of both of us. The first dream I had of him. I woke up crying because finally I had a dream of him. Then I realized that my blood sugar was extremely low. It was 31. Which is very low. I guess he woke me or at least I think so.
     
  6. Kalola

    Kalola New Member

    I feel your pain. Wevwere married 35 yrs, he was my best friend, shoulder to cry on, provided words of wisdom and gave motivation when needed. He played guitar and sang well. He'd keep friends and family entertained at hidays, parties, bbqs, campouts. If Rene was there, you knew you were going you were going to have a great time. I wadnt a singer but he taught me harmonize and I did it well. I miss that so much. He was also a comedian, made folks laugh. We have two kids who are adults. My sons child is named after my husband. My son and his son are so much like my husband that I cry sometimes. I should have volinteered to dry my husband that nite, I didnt. I thought he was going to the store and I would have an hour of me time, something I didnt get. He never returned home. I hate myself that I ws so selfish for just an hour of me time. I lived him so much. I went thru all the holidays alone, even my birthday, our anniversary in the first 4 months, so U volunteered. It felt good to make someone else smile all the while dying inside. No one knew cause I hid it. I had to get help and did for almost a year. I needed to understand, i needed someone not emotionally involved with me. Now I live to be someone he would be proud of znd that truly helps. I talk to him daily and although I still have bad days, I learning to live and be heppy. I know I will grieve forever but either i grieve in a negative or positive way, so i cose positive. Time doesnt heal, it just makes it easier to deal with the pain. And now on a bad day, i ask god to guide me and thats has helped too. Im so sorry for what youre about to go thru, iv
     
  7. Thankyou so much for sharing. My husband was also a musician. He played guitar and sang. He was a professional and I sang with him many places. I only had 7 years with him and I miss him so much. It has only been a month and it's tearing me apart. I have had a tremendous amount of loss in my life. I think this is the hardest. He was my soul mate.
     
  8. Nancy JC

    Nancy JC New Member

    I lost my husband of 43 years in Oct. None of us saw this happening. He had retired two years ago to work the ranch full time which is the dream we built as a team. He spent a few days a week at the ranch and came home a few days. I wasn't able to help them because our son had been hurt many years ago and I took care of him and my mother. But he understood that and when he needed help I was there or found others to go. Then one day he didn't answer his phone and I went to the ranch and found him. We don't know if it was the herbs and supplements he'd been taking or maybe the dental implants he was having done. He had lost weight but we joked it was because he retired and didn't have snack machines. But as we look at pictures we see the weight lose happened in the dental work was being done. I don't know if I'm just grasping at straws so as not to blame myself or not. I can't see him doing this to our son. We rebuilt our lives after our son's accident but I just don't know that I can go thru that much pain again. I think of all the things I could have done different but to blame me is to also blame our kids and I won't do that. I'm lost, hurt and scared. After the service I heard my brother doesn't remember being at the service, going home or the rest of the afternoon. I wonder as I prayed for answers, if God was telling me Jim had blacked out. It may have been his physical body but I know it was not his soul.