Loss of My Partner and my inability to accept her loss.

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Doc Furious, Nov 26, 2019.

  1. Doc Furious

    Doc Furious New Member

    I have never used or joined anything like this before, but I am will to try anything. On September 28th 2018. I awoke to find my partner never made it to bed the night before. I went into the living room to find her dead on the couch. I started to apply cardiac massage after I phoned for an ambulance, they arrived and my lovely wife never woke up. For the last year I have been trying to deal with this. I know she is dead but she is still alive in my head. For over this period I have grieved, tried to accept and maybe move on. But I don't want too. I want my sweet kitten back. I even refused to go to the funeral. That wasn't my Lilli in the box, just dead meat. I am sorry if this is heavy for anyone. I am starting to think the best thing would be for me to join her. Unfortunately I don't believe in any God, not really, so if anyone does want to talk please don't bring God, Jesus or Vishnu into it. I don't believe I kill myself but...... I am a moronic idiot sorry to annoy people.
  2. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    Hello, my darling P left 1 year ago today......I'm hiding out trying to figure what this new life means to me. I have tons of family "rooting" for me but I just don't WANT to. I want him back - the end. I want him to come get me. Why do I have to stay behind. He fought multiple myeloma for 10 years to stay with me....ONLY for me. He fought fought fought. 10 years of chemo everyday, and developed MDS from chemo at the end. SCT's didn't do much to fight the evil clone of MM he had. I'm so lost without him.
  3. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    PS I know how bad you're hurting b/c I'm right in the pits with you.
  4. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    I am so so sorry for your Lilli's death. Peter died 11-27-18 & I'm just exactly where you are in dealing with my loss. So I'm an agnostic & find it difficult to deal with well wishers, those who have the answers for me, those who feel if only I would repent, accept Jesus/God - all my problems would be over. I was recently thrust into a situation at a car dealership - where a woman - sat & prayed for me b/c she knew best. I bawled as she explained that Peter "may have repented on his deathbed & I need to repent" just in case. This was after telling her I was an agnostic. AND telling her that if her faith condemns Peter to hell - I want to go to hell TOO.

    You are not moronic OR and an idiot. You are grief struck, lost & trying to get through the holidays like the rest of us on this site. Please know there are many of us out here that feel the exact way you do. I want Peter to come get me even though I'm not actively suicidal - I don't care about the tomorrows. WTF......come get me Peter!