I have never used or joined anything like this before, but I am will to try anything. On September 28th 2018. I awoke to find my partner never made it to bed the night before. I went into the living room to find her dead on the couch. I started to apply cardiac massage after I phoned for an ambulance, they arrived and my lovely wife never woke up. For the last year I have been trying to deal with this. I know she is dead but she is still alive in my head. For over this period I have grieved, tried to accept and maybe move on. But I don't want too. I want my sweet kitten back. I even refused to go to the funeral. That wasn't my Lilli in the box, just dead meat. I am sorry if this is heavy for anyone. I am starting to think the best thing would be for me to join her. Unfortunately I don't believe in any God, not really, so if anyone does want to talk please don't bring God, Jesus or Vishnu into it. I don't believe I kill myself but...... I am a moronic idiot sorry to annoy people.