Loss of my daddy, twice. Complicated situation. Am I alone in this?

May of 2020 I lost my daddy after an ugly fight with cancer. Life was ugly and extremely hard growing up due to mother being mentally ill and a hard core meth addict. We grew up poor because of her addiction and constantly walking on egg shells just waiting for the next physical or mental berating. My dad was mine and my brothers rock, our saving grace and our hero. As I grew into my late 20’s I started standing up to my mother and kept her at a distance because I was tired of her bringing pain to my life, unnecessary pain. All the while I still kept a constant relationship with my dad. I knew that our relationship was strained because of me not wanting to have anything to do with my mother though, and it got worse when at 33, I got married and my dad didn’t come to my wedding. I had not been married before and he promised me he would be there to walk me down the isle. He didn’t show. He made several excuses as to why but I knew it was because my mother was not invited to our wedding. When I expressed to him how much he hurt me by not showing, he got mad at me and said I was being selfish. I stopped talking to my dad for about 4 years and I felt like he was gone. I was grieving his loss even though he wasn’t deceased. In 2019 he was diagnosed with lung cancer so of course I reached out to him and started talking and visiting him as much as possible (many miles between his home and mine). His cancer went from his lungs to his brain and in a few short months, he shrank and shriveled and decayed in front of our eyes. His wife, my mother, who was supposed to take care of him, spent more time using and selling his pain pills and being abusive to him than anything. He passed in 2020 and I can’t get over the pain and guilt and sadness and any other negative emotion you want to plug in here. I miss him so much. Every time my kids do something exciting I can’t enjoy it to the fullest because I realize I can’t send the picture to my dad or call and tell him what happened. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to feel the ache in my chest anymore. I want to smile and laugh when I think about him and talk to him. I want to stop wondering why a man who was like an angel on earth, would be allowed to go out in such a horrible way. I want to know why he chose a horrible mean person over his kids for all our lives. I want to know he didn’t feel abandoned by me when I stopped talking to him for those 4 years. I want to stop feeling like I let him down when all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. Will I ever feel normal again?

 

I lost my mom to cancer 21 days ago and I always would send her pictures of my garden and my kids and now i stop to think who can i send this picture to? She was the only one besides junk calls that called my landline. The house is so quiet and i feel like I am in a daze and I have lost track of time. I cannot go to her house since she died i feel like vomiting if i think of it. That is my childhood home for 50 years and my mom was always there. Now no place feels
Like home

 

I am so sorry for your loss. And I don’t even know what to say to make you feel even an ounce better, but you are not alone. And there are so many that know exactly what you are feeling because they feel the same. Everyone heals differently and mourns differently but I did find that once I shared my loss here and had read stories of others, I felt a little better. Share pictures of your garden with your kids, or family members, friends or even on this website! And don’t be afraid to ask the Lord to help you through this time. It’s never selfish to pray for something for ourselves. I wish you peace in your mind, heart and soul.