hi everyone I’m new here and just trying to find some support and maybe some ideas on things that will help me. I lost my dad a little over a year due to a heart attack. It was a very sudden things he had always had problems but he coded while having an angiogram done and spent 2 days in the CVICU( cardiovascular icu) where I was less then 3 feet when he finally past. They did 45 minutes of CPR while I was so close and I had to make the call to stop. Everyone was so shocked doctors and all because he was doing amazing and was going to start thinking of taking him out of the medically induced coma. I have struggled with this so much over the last year and I don’t feel like it is getting any better/ easier but just harder. I look at my mom and husband who are doing great and I just feel like I’m going through the motions. I’m just wondering if there are anyone else out there that is going through somewhat of the same thing as I am, or anyone that has any advise for me.
Your experience reminds me somewhat of my own. My beloved mother’s death over 5 years ago was so hard to believe because she went from being seemingly very healthy, to gone, within just a few short weeks. It felt like she had simply vanished off the earth. She had stage 3 or 4 cancer, but it was not diagnosed (till just before she died). I do believe that out of everyone who knew her, my uncle and I took it the hardest. It both disgusted and amazed me to see how easily others appeared to “move on” from losing their loved ones. I was in very deep depression for about four years, with barely a ray of sunshine able to break through the blackest clouds of grief. I really just wanted to die, as we had been always so close, and I was in horrific emotional pain. I actually began to feel mentally and emotionally fragile and unstable. Finally, and rather suddenly, the darkness started to lift all on its own. I really don’t believe we can direct the course of grief, as it seems to have a mind of its own. I just existed during those days as I drifted through it. Finally, I was starting to feel stablized and found that I was capable of enjoying moments of peace and happiness again. The moments became longer, with much help from my boyfriend of many years who was subsequently also diagnosed with cancer. It was a different kind of cancer than my mom’s, though, one that many people survive. He was doing so well after the cancer treatments and he was up and walking around. During one of the final test procedures (a biopsy and pet scan) something went very wrong. He went downhill right after. I had wanted a different outcome, but now I’ve lost him, too, and feel like I’m right back to square one again on this excruciating journey of grief. I don’t want to walk this path again, but there is no other choice. My condolences to you for the passing of your father. I understand!
Hello, I'm sorry for your lost. I lost my father 16 years ago and I can relate to your story. I had a very hard time with his passing for almost five years and I also felt like my family was "over it" and yet I couldn't move on. One day my mom sat me down and told me "you need to stop mourning, it's been 5 years... and stop wearing black!" I hadn't even realized it but every bit of clothing I owned was black and a full room in my house had become a "memories of dad" space. To please my mom I went to counseling and I learned that I had gone from grieving to full depression. I'm no expert but one year of you grieving doesn't seem excessive, everyone handles loss differently. Just try not to sink into depression, even though progress is slow, it should get slightly better with time, not worse. If your pain is getting worse, maybe you are depressed, and that can be a downward spiral. I lost my mom recently and I've found websites like this one really help, I wish I would have had this tool 16 years ago! Reach out anyway you can, get counseling, find support groups, see a specialist...do whatever you have to do but try not to go that that dark path. I wish you the very best and I don't stop trying, it will get better!
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father suddenly to a heart attack about 2 months ago. We were all very shocked because we didn't know he had any heart trouble. I can't imagine what you must be going through for this past year, but I think can emphathise with you because I lost my father in a similar way. I am still feeling numb sometimes after a couple of months, but also get waves of really bad grief (crying, sadness, anger), I think as the shock is wearing off I'm feeling it more. For myself, after such a shocking and traumatic experience it is still taking a while to even process what happened and accept, I know I haven't fully accepted it yet. If you can, try to be gentle with yourself and remember that there is no timeline for grief, everyone goes through it in their own way. There's no right or wrong. When the moments of feeling like it will never get better are overwhelming, try to share those feelings with a trusted person, or a counsellor etc if you can (I know it's not easy), or just let yourself cry if you need to. For me it is hard to believe sometimes, but I try to remember that things will get better, though I can understand the heartache of having no idea when things will get better. It makes me feel desperate to truly smile or laugh again, and I wish I knew when that could happen. But I try to keep hope that it will. Because it will at some point. Know those times are ahead. I wish you all the best and truly wish you some moments of comfort during your difficult time, I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
