Loss of my boyfriend and my only friend

Hi, new here. I'm a 24 year old female from Bismarck, North Dakota. On January 17 I got a call from one of my girl friends asking if I had heard what happened. I was then told, while at work, that my on and off boyfriend since December 6, 2018 had been found unresponsive in his apartment. He was being rushed to the emergency room. Three days later, I sat in a large lobby waiting room with his family and numerous friends of ours the entire day, waiting to hear the news from the EEG. I came out of the bathroom, his mom pulled me next to her as she was preparing to give everyone the final update. He was declared braindead. In that moment I swear you could feel every person's heart in that room crush. Two days later he was taken to the operating room to be taken off of life support and hopefully donate his organs. He died January 22, 2020 at 8:09 PM. His liver, both kidneys, and his corneas were able to be donated. I know it's what he would have wanted. To help others one last time.

He had struggled with many things in life. A very rough childhood with a stepfather that had fallen victim to addiction. He lost his close cousin to a drunk driver when she was 16. Along with several close friends passing due to numerous reasons including substance abuse and freak medical conditions. He never properly dealt with any of the trauma in his life. He turned to drugs and alcohol to numb his depression and hide his anxiety. Despite battling his own demons, he was one of the most thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. Any one of his friends were more than welcome to stay at his place whenever they needed. He was many people's best friends. Always helping everyone but himself. Denied his substance abuse because he didn't want others to worry.

Many of his family members seem to think he intentionally took the amount of drugs in order to kill himself. I think he was very very very sad and was taking drugs to numb everything...and without realizing what he was mixing and how much.

I miss him every single day of my life. My entire life has changed. He was my person. My rock. My everything. I don't have many friends that I feel that I can truly rely on but he was. Every day I'm reminded of him. Every day is a struggle to keep living. I just wish my family and friends understood that there is such a huge gaping hole in my heart, my soul, and my life. I wish they knew how many times I cry myself to sleep. How many times I hold his blanket, sobbing, screaming into it because the pain is so overwhelming. I turned to a grief blog in hopes of finding someone to relate to. Someone who can recognize my pain and stand next to me with it. Maybe no one will read this and it's pointless. But I hope someone does and I hope they respond and we can be each others rocks. Because I miss mine more than anything in this world.

 

Hi .....

I lost my boyfriend April 17th 2020 to suspected fentanyl overdose. Im here

 

Samantha,

I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. What makes this loss so hurtful is the senseless way it has come about.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is now to you. You are the one who is left behind, and the one who must pick up your life and continue. I hope you will take the time to allow yourself to grieve the sorrow.

Please seek professional help, with a counselor, a psychiatrist, and even a priest. They can help a lot.

Also take care of your own well being and watch out for depression. Please do not blame yourself. I hope you will find some comfort soon and not give up hope.

-david

 

Ktzim07,

I am deeply saddened by the loss of your boyfriend. The picture of you both was one of a happy couple. That was a wonderful smile you both had.

The scene of every one of you waiting in the hospital for word is sorrowful. When I was in Okinawa in the service one of our friends was told his girlfriend has just been killed in a crash. It is a time when no one wishes to ever face, let alone help him face his loss, like you had to with his family.

Being an organ donor is the most giving thing a person will ever do.

This song by Lewis Capaldi depicts it



That moment you all were told is so sad. Of course you can feel them all and your sadness. It has torn your heart apart. It has taken the one you loved, just as much as the family. It is truly a tremendous moment that unless others have shared a loss similar they can't feel how crushing it is to you.

It is awful he never had the chance to deal with his losses in life. When I lost two friends in Vietnam, sure alcohol helped during those times I was not working, but it never truly helped me beyond their loss. Both losses were heartbreaking, and as I stood in a military ceremony on a basketball court for one of them, your senses are deadened to everything, You have no reason other than war and its' results, but there never will be any good reason for why, ever.

I know this loss has deeply affected you. There will never be any answers that ever be good enough. You can cry a river of tears. You can feel so bad each time you think of him. I wish I could take the awful pain you feel away, and allow you to remember all the beautiful times you shared with him.

Try to remember those moments you held one another. The moments you kissed. The special talks you had with each other. Sure we all have times that are hard to overcome, but please never give in to this despair. While it may seem so stupid for what has happened, it is you, and you alone that has to find a way to move forward with your life.

Whatever reason he passed does not matter anymore. It will serve no purpose to know.

Loss of any kind is hard to move beyond. There are no easy ways to accept what has happened. Of course we can feel your pain in your words. When you love someone and they are no longer with you, it is a period in each of our lives that is hard to ever accept.

Please know you are never alone. You need to talk with professionals - like a counselor, a psychiatrist, and even a priest. You also need to reach out to your family, his family, and your friends.

Lastly, talk with us, share anything you wish, and feel comfortable with it. Collectively we have seen loss through many lenses. There are people from all walks of life among us who may be able to offer you more comfort. But, please whatever you do, keep talking, keep sharing, and never allow yourself to give in to despair. Watch out for your well-being. I hope you will find some peaceful rest.

-david

This is a poem for you



Lindsey Stirling created this melody

 

Thank you for your reply David. Your words mean so much. They made me very emotional. I'm somewhat speechless right now because of the fact that you shared a Lindsey Stirling song with me. My boyfriend and I were huge music fans and were supposed to attend a music festival this summer. Among hundreds of artists, Lindsey Stirling was going to be there. We had even talked about how talented she is and making sure we see her play.

 

Ktzim,

I hope this finds you being able to face more days better. I know this pain will be with for a very long time. I hope you embrace what you shared with your special one, the love of your life. Think of all the beautiful times you shared together. All those precious hugs and kisses, and pictures you talk of one another.

When our hearts are taken by another it will always be something amazing. You just keep doing the best you can. You reach out to us, to others in your times of need. Loss takes us all to a place we don't wish to ever be. But I will ask you to remember, you are still with us. Your life is important. You can keep his memory alive. Please never forget, even though that pain is intense, it was for the one who was important to you. Keep those sad moments close, those tears will drop as you learn to move forward in time. Keep him with you in your heart, mind, and soul.

-david

Here is another song for you

 

I just joined this site. Sending positive vibes your way! You’re not alone, I recently lost my brother. My heart hurts everyday. I just wanted you to know your post isn’t pointless! Reading your post helps me realize I’m not in this alone. Thank you for your words and I’m sorry for your loss! Hugs

 

My Thoughts and prayers are with you... I lost my youngest son to a fentanyl overdose on May 11.. he was 29...an amazing person.. being cooped up at home flipped him out it looks like.. TAKE CARE of yourself!!!!