My grandma was my best friend. We had a special bond that was obvious to others. She could be difficult with her dementia, stubborn/sassy ways and old fashioned ways but she was the glue to our family. She was the most selfless, caring, giving, most wonderful person in the world. Even though she was so traditional and old fashioned, she was the most understanding, accepting and loving grandma I could ask for. I grew up with a small family, my mother having an interesting up bringing. Her biological mother abandoned her at the hospital. Her biological father's sister (my grandma) took it upon herself to raise and love my mother as if it was her own. See, that was her character. She couldn't have kids of her own and with such a nurturing quality, she raised kids who didn't have family. My mother, my family would not be the people we are today without her. I feel greedy and unappreciative when I say I didn't want my grandma to pass. She passed March 17th, 2018. Only twelve days aways from her 95th birthday. She had a long life. But I want and need more of her. She lived a long, healthy, fulfilling life. We needed her in our lives as much as she needed us. The hardest part was seeing her die in front of me. Slipping so quickly from my arms. After a few serious falls, weakness, no appetite causing harsh decline, we all knew, including her that it was time. Fortunately, my mother and I work in the healthcare field, so we knew a lot. The image of her not being able to do things on her own (as she was completely strong and independent up until halloween of 2017. Just 5-6 months up until her death.), the image haunts my every day- every night. We put her on hospice, she knew she was going to hospice. Even though she live 94 years, it was freaking difficult to do this. I can't imagine a life without her. It's been 3 months and I still can't believe she isn't here with us. I find it so hard to visit my parents (as I moved 1.5 hours away for school) because I won't be able to stop in a visit her. The first time I could get the courage to go to my parent's was Mother's Day. I have so many voicemails on my phone from my grandma. I can't get the courage to listen to them. It will make it too real that she's gone- but at the same time, I miss her voice so much. Her words of encouragement and the unconditional love. I find it a lot harder at work to care for elderly people. It hurts. I've spent my whole life knowing I want to work in the healthcare field with the elderly population. Is that what I even want anymore? It's too heartbreaking. This is my first time saying these things to people. I thought I would give it a try. Maybe it will help with my grieving.