Loss of my best friend- my grandma.

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by melmur, Jun 10, 2018.

  1. melmur

    melmur Member

    My grandma was my best friend. We had a special bond that was obvious to others. She could be difficult with her dementia, stubborn/sassy ways and old fashioned ways but she was the glue to our family. She was the most selfless, caring, giving, most wonderful person in the world. Even though she was so traditional and old fashioned, she was the most understanding, accepting and loving grandma I could ask for.

    I grew up with a small family, my mother having an interesting up bringing. Her biological mother abandoned her at the hospital. Her biological father's sister (my grandma) took it upon herself to raise and love my mother as if it was her own. See, that was her character. She couldn't have kids of her own and with such a nurturing quality, she raised kids who didn't have family. My mother, my family would not be the people we are today without her.

    I feel greedy and unappreciative when I say I didn't want my grandma to pass. She passed March 17th, 2018. Only twelve days aways from her 95th birthday. She had a long life. But I want and need more of her. She lived a long, healthy, fulfilling life. We needed her in our lives as much as she needed us.

    The hardest part was seeing her die in front of me. Slipping so quickly from my arms. After a few serious falls, weakness, no appetite causing harsh decline, we all knew, including her that it was time. Fortunately, my mother and I work in the healthcare field, so we knew a lot. The image of her not being able to do things on her own (as she was completely strong and independent up until halloween of 2017. Just 5-6 months up until her death.), the image haunts my every day- every night.

    We put her on hospice, she knew she was going to hospice. Even though she live 94 years, it was freaking difficult to do this. I can't imagine a life without her. It's been 3 months and I still can't believe she isn't here with us. I find it so hard to visit my parents (as I moved 1.5 hours away for school) because I won't be able to stop in a visit her. The first time I could get the courage to go to my parent's was Mother's Day.

    I have so many voicemails on my phone from my grandma. I can't get the courage to listen to them. It will make it too real that she's gone- but at the same time, I miss her voice so much. Her words of encouragement and the unconditional love.

    I find it a lot harder at work to care for elderly people. It hurts. I've spent my whole life knowing I want to work in the healthcare field with the elderly population. Is that what I even want anymore? It's too heartbreaking.

    This is my first time saying these things to people. I thought I would give it a try. Maybe it will help with my grieving.
    ophelinha and griefic like this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it was a help to you to be able to say it "out loud". You're not alone with these thoughts. Only a griever understands what it feels like to want more time with a person, to know deep in your heart that no time would ever be enough. I always say there's never a good time or good way to lose someone we love. Those who have lost a loved one who was an advanced age often tell me that they feel misunderstood in their grief, that they should somehow be doing better because their loved one "had a good life". As if losing an older person is somehow less sad. But it's not true. All loss is hard, and for some people they find that the longer they had someone in their life it just means the less they know how to live without them.
    I can see how work would be challenging right now. I find this in my own life when things get hard personally and I'm still trying to care for others. There can be a balance I think, and I think from some perspective working with the elderly could eventually have you feeling closer to your grandmother. It's just a very new and very raw loss right now. But be patient with yourself, and one thing we typically recommend is not to make too many major life changes especially during the first year of grief. So go to work if you can, take the breaks when you can, find the "boundaries" that make sense and make a point to take downtime during breaks and especially when you get home from work. I'm glad you have found us and hope we can be a support to you. Please take care~
    justjoe and melmur like this.
  3. melmur

    melmur Member

    I appreciate your words so much. I’ve felt this overwhelming selfishness and unjustifiable grief with my grandmother passing at such an old age, that it’s been tough for me to talk to others about my struggle. Thank you for allowing me to realize that it’s normal to feel unbearably sad about her death, to grieve like any other loss.

    Thank you!
    griefic likes this.
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    You are very welcome :) If we can be of any further help or support just let me know. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing...and please take care!
  5. ophelinha

    ophelinha New Member

    Today marks the first month withou my beautiful grandma. I use to call her when she was in the hospital ‘zëmira yme’, my heart, in her dialect. She raised me, when my father decided to bail on us and my mom was depressed/ overworked. When I had a child at 18, she didnt judge: she helped me raise him. When my marriage was coming to an end and I was sick and depressed, she took a plane for the first time to come to me, sleeping at the feet of my bed. When my relationship with my mother took a turn for the worse, nana took it upon her to speak with me once a day during my lunchbreak.
    She was the most decent, tenderest person on heart. She was not even sick and she’s gone. I miss my partner in crime. I feel lost and empty and so alone.
  6. melmur

    melmur Member

    I apologize for such a late response!

    I'm so sorry about your loss. Grandmas are so very special. I am still feeling so lost and empty and so alone just as you are. I keep catching myself trying to call her on my way home from work. It's tough and honestly, life has been hard without her- everyday my heart hurts. Fortunately, I got a dog a few months before she had passed and has helped me cope. She even got to play therapy dog and visit her in rehab and even in hospice just a few days before she passed. My grandma and her instantly connected as my grandma has such a nurturing nature. But I am still feeling so alone.

    Have you found anything to help you cope?

    Best wishes.