Loss of my best friend- my grandma.

My grandma was my best friend. We had a special bond that was obvious to others. She could be difficult with her dementia, stubborn/sassy ways and old fashioned ways but she was the glue to our family. She was the most selfless, caring, giving, most wonderful person in the world. Even though she was so traditional and old fashioned, she was the most understanding, accepting and loving grandma I could ask for.

I grew up with a small family, my mother having an interesting up bringing. Her biological mother abandoned her at the hospital. Her biological father's sister (my grandma) took it upon herself to raise and love my mother as if it was her own. See, that was her character. She couldn't have kids of her own and with such a nurturing quality, she raised kids who didn't have family. My mother, my family would not be the people we are today without her.

I feel greedy and unappreciative when I say I didn't want my grandma to pass. She passed March 17th, 2018. Only twelve days aways from her 95th birthday. She had a long life. But I want and need more of her. She lived a long, healthy, fulfilling life. We needed her in our lives as much as she needed us.

The hardest part was seeing her die in front of me. Slipping so quickly from my arms. After a few serious falls, weakness, no appetite causing harsh decline, we all knew, including her that it was time. Fortunately, my mother and I work in the healthcare field, so we knew a lot. The image of her not being able to do things on her own (as she was completely strong and independent up until halloween of 2017. Just 5-6 months up until her death.), the image haunts my every day- every night.

We put her on hospice, she knew she was going to hospice. Even though she live 94 years, it was freaking difficult to do this. I can't imagine a life without her. It's been 3 months and I still can't believe she isn't here with us. I find it so hard to visit my parents (as I moved 1.5 hours away for school) because I won't be able to stop in a visit her. The first time I could get the courage to go to my parent's was Mother's Day.

I have so many voicemails on my phone from my grandma. I can't get the courage to listen to them. It will make it too real that she's gone- but at the same time, I miss her voice so much. Her words of encouragement and the unconditional love.

I find it a lot harder at work to care for elderly people. It hurts. I've spent my whole life knowing I want to work in the healthcare field with the elderly population. Is that what I even want anymore? It's too heartbreaking.

This is my first time saying these things to people. I thought I would give it a try. Maybe it will help with my grieving.

 

I appreciate your words so much. I’ve felt this overwhelming selfishness and unjustifiable grief with my grandmother passing at such an old age, that it’s been tough for me to talk to others about my struggle. Thank you for allowing me to realize that it’s normal to feel unbearably sad about her death, to grieve like any other loss.

Thank you!

 

Today marks the first month withou my beautiful grandma. I use to call her when she was in the hospital ‘zëmira yme’, my heart, in her dialect. She raised me, when my father decided to bail on us and my mom was depressed/ overworked. When I had a child at 18, she didnt judge: she helped me raise him. When my marriage was coming to an end and I was sick and depressed, she took a plane for the first time to come to me, sleeping at the feet of my bed. When my relationship with my mother took a turn for the worse, nana took it upon her to speak with me once a day during my lunchbreak.
She was the most decent, tenderest person on heart. She was not even sick and she’s gone. I miss my partner in crime. I feel lost and empty and so alone.

 

I apologize for such a late response!


I'm so sorry about your loss. Grandmas are so very special. I am still feeling so lost and empty and so alone just as you are. I keep catching myself trying to call her on my way home from work. It's tough and honestly, life has been hard without her- everyday my heart hurts. Fortunately, I got a dog a few months before she had passed and has helped me cope. She even got to play therapy dog and visit her in rehab and even in hospice just a few days before she passed. My grandma and her instantly connected as my grandma has such a nurturing nature. But I am still feeling so alone.

Have you found anything to help you cope?

Best wishes.